Snore-ku

Sleep, interrupted

Heavy snoring, then no breath

I have apnea

 

Dear God in Heaven I am getting old.  I went to the doctor today because 1) I snore like a mutherfo’ and wake up feeling the exact opposite of rested and 2) I can no longer smell the coffee when I arise from my slumber and 3) when my kids stress me out so my chest gets all tight and yeah, that’s a typical reaction to stress but add in my weight, my sonorous night music (which, in some cultures is probably considered freakin’ sex to the ay!), and a whole host of other things that will just depress me if I talk about, I thought, hey, Rosie! You’re gonna have a heart attack and die in front of one of your children. Way to be! Mom of the year award goes to YOU!! 

So yeah, I went and my doctor was very kind and listened to me grouse and scheduled me for an MRI (smelling thing), a stress test (chest thing), and a night at the sleep center (snoring/apnea thing). Then he sent me downstairs to have blood drawn so he could exclaim, “OH My ALLAH! You have yogurt in your veins!” when the results come in.

*Cute kid story: So we’re at the lab and Olivia is very nervous for me. I tried to distract her from the straw the phlebotomist was jamming into my delicate veinery but to no avail (normally she would not have been there, but when you can’t leave her alone in the very heavily trafficked waiting room or in the van for a few hours what can you do?).  “Dat hurt Momma?” she asked. “It pinches a little bit,” I said and smiled at her. “But I’ll be okay.” She nodded, but did not look away. When the blood started flowing her baby browns instantly filled with tears and sobs shook her tiny shoulders.  “You got blood!” she cried and then with the most pitiful, heartfelt voice ever whispered. “I will miss you Momma! So much! You are dyin’!”  My baby loves me. Irrefutable proof!  She’s also probably scarred for life now. Well done, Rosie. Well done.