First, a lesson learned.

The thing about vacationing with family is that you never know how it’s going to turn out. You have an idea because – well, they’re your family and you know the dynamics, but I don’t think it’s possible to ever know. I spent a month dreading this vacation. Not the gigantic house situated right on the beach. Not the sunsets or my children laughing and wave surfing or digging holes that fill with water from the bottom!   That stuff I was looking forward to. It was the other stuff, the extended family stuff that had me worried.

They aren’t bad people, naturally. When there’s a little bit of space between visits I actually look forward to seeing most of them. This whole week together thing? In one house? Yeah… we probably should have thought it through a little better.  Learn from my pain people. When you are contemplating sharing a house – no matter how huge – for an extended period of time, consider the following.

1) When do the little fuckers wake up? 

It is important to REALLY understand the parents when they say their children are early risers. Define early. Clearly. Early to me and my children is anything before 8 a.m.. Early to my sister-in-law’s spawn is… are you ready for this? I don’t think you are. You should probably sit down. My nephew and niece wake up at 5:40 a.m.. IN THE MORNING! Throw in a time change and you’re looking at 4:40 a.m.. Every morning. On vacation. When it’s the law that you have to sleep in.

2) Quiz your potential vacay partners thoroughly concerning their morning habits. Especially when they claim to be “pretty quiet.”

When someone says, “We’re pretty quiet in the morning,” it’s highly probable that what they’re really saying is, “Compared to a train we’re pretty quiet in the morning,” or “Compared to the roar of a tornado, we’re pretty quiet in the morning.”  Little Niece wakes up with a screech that sends me out of my skin every. morning. At 4:40 a.m. I am convinced someone is killing one of my children or quite possibly a sea gull right outside my bedroom window.  From 4:45 a.m. until about 5:15 a.m. the children start fighting and screaming and the whining (“MOM-meh!!! Shee’s not lissenennnn to yeeeeewwww!”) begins.  And then the running. A-thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-thump-thumpthump. Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! “Vauuughn. Kennnnnaaaaa. Uncle Jackie and Aunt Rosie are sleeepppppin’. You want some ceeeeeeereal? You want some Caaaaapppp n’ Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunch?” Squueeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! A-thump-thump-thump-thump-thumpthump!  Meanwhile Uncle Jackie and Aunt Rosie are suffocating themselves and crying, “For the love of God, will you please take them outside?!”

3) Make sure you really do like their children.

Yes. I’m a hateful, terrible, horrible person. But I don’t really like their children.  Strike that. Their kids are okay. It’s the way they’re being parented that just makes my sphincter pucker.  I have a few parenting pet peeves and the biggest of these few is, “Ooooh nooooo! Mommy, Vaughn’s not eating his beans! Ooooh nooo! You better eat your beans Vaughn because if you don’t Aunt Rosie’s gonna eat them! Don’t you eat those beans, Vaughn! Don’t you daaaaaaaaaaare eat those beans! Don’t you wanna eat your beans, Vaughn? Don’t you want to have hair on your chest and be big and strong, Vaughn? Ahhhhhhh! I’m eating your beans!!!”  Meanwhile Vaughn whines and giggles and scoots down in his chair and turns into a jerky little kid and just soaks in the attention. Eventually he will eat the damned beans but not before I’m ready to shove a fork in his father’s and mother’s eyes.

OH MY GOD!!!! 

 3) Pee on your territory early and often.

We should have hauled ass to get here first because then it would have been “our” house.  The way it turned out Jack’s sister was giving us the grand tour when we got here and pointing out how generous they were to give us the room we have. (Our room has an awesome view of the gulf. Just this evening I sat on my bed and watched six dolphins playing. Very stunning.) Their generosity stemmed from a dark place, however. Our rooms might lead directly to the gorgeous beach, but their rooms are sheltered from the noise of an open house that HAS NO CARPET TO ABSORB THE SOUND OF THEIR CHILDREN SCREAMING AND RUNNING AND FIGHTING AND WHINING AND GIGGLING AT 4:40 a.m..