I’ve got a cold you guys. Nothing’s funny when you have a cold because when you’re all of a sudden a mouth breather you can either breathe or you can laugh, but you can’t do both.
Welcome to Worden, Montana. And ohmigawd Eric just pulled his Chevy over to pick up roadkill. And then he smelled it!!! I have a feeling that this just might be the most awesome MBRW evah!!! Emily looks appropriately grossed out and announces his activity as “fucking gross.” Also, I think she’s the cutest redneck bride this show has ever had.
Why Do I Love Thee?
Emily is 21 and Eric is 22. They met back in high school and he was a redneck and she was a Montana punk rocker with the liberty spikes in her hair and safety pin body jewelry. He was not her type at all, but apparently he was because she’s no longer rocking the bad attitude and awesome hair. Instead she’s engaged to marry a fishin’, huntin’, carcass sniffing, skull collecting redneck who is also fond of raccoon penis bones. She says it’s because raccoon penis bones are ivory, and in a minute I’m going to google that because really? We get a shot of them shooting guns and Eric moseys over to the barbed wire fence and sniffs some rotting piece of hide.
We’re in someone’s kitchen and Eric’s rinsing the brains out of a skull. I’m grossed out, and then I’m intrigued because I know of no woman who would let a man rinse out animal brains in her sink. In fact, most of the southern women I know – who may or may not be rednecks – are so very anal about the state of their kitchens, that no man would dare consider plopping a skull of any sort in her sparkling sink. My uncle is a fisherman who lives right along the bank of a great fishing lake. My aunt made him install his own “man’s kitchen” on the back porch just in case he was tempted to use hers. Anyway….
It’s time to weld the archway, which per Emily’s design isn’t so much an arch as it is a doorway. Fortunately, Eric is a welder and gets the job done. After they make the archway it’s time to design their cake. Emily wants tiers and she wants the the supports to be beer cans. Her mother and I are appalled, but then I remember the couple who wanted chocolate shaped horse poop as their top layer and I realize there are worse things that beer cans on a wedding cake. Emily says it’s the one time in her life that she’ll be able to make a beer can pyramid and I’m inserting a PSA about going to college. Plenty of beer can pyramids there. Also, Emily and Eric are planning to use a handsaw as a cake cutter. Well, that’s new.
Bachelor and Bachelorette Parties!
Eric tells us that he and his boyz are going to go kabrewing down Yellowstone. My husband just reminded me of the time that we went kabrewing down a local river and I am going to wait until he finishes talking about what a good time it was, especially when we pulled the canoe over to have sex on the shore, to remind him that he and I have never been kabrewing. That was his girlfriend prior to me and this will be the third time he’s relayed this story and confused me with her. Because he’s stupid. Anyway, Emily and her girlz are going to get tattoos instead of a traditional bachelorette party. I’m pretty sure I’d rather be kabrewing than getting a tribal horse head tattoo on my leg. Emily is bright red and about to cry, but she likes the end result. If I were into that sort of thing, I’d like it too.
I’m not sure why Eric and his buddy are setting off a miniature cannon, but they are. It’s cool, but why? And now Emily is having Eric weld her some flowers (her bridal bouquet?) out of barbed wire and Copenhagen lids. They’re pretty cool, actually – especially for a former punk rocker. I think given the right opportunities Emily would have been kick ass in art school.
And now Eric’s fishing Yellowstone and he catches one big fish. It’s monster. Like… as tall as Emily. He cuts it open and is all, oooh, lucky me! Caviar. And then he eats it and Emily throws up a little in her mouth, and so do the rest of us. Dude. That wasn’t caviar.
It’s the night before the wedding and Eric and Emily kiss goodnight and she drives away. And… scene.
It’s the big day!
Emily’s mom wakes her up and Eric goes over his to-do list. Then we’re helping Emily get dressed. She mentions having forgotten to shave her armpits. Sweetie, that’s not redneck. That’s French. Then we’re setting up the reception area, complete with animal skulls. And finally it’s the wedding proper. Emily has a beautiful gown and her bridesmaids’ gowns are pretty as well. Their dresses have the same slip part, but each one has a different colored sheer fabric covering it. No one, not even the fellas have camouflage. There is not one speck of hunting gear in sight and I am tha-rilled! Emily looks happy as her dad walks her down the aisle and even happier to speak her vows. The wedding ends and some hick guy fires off a cannon which explains why they were playing with explosives before.
It’s reception time and feeling constricted by his tux, Eric has shed it in favor of more casual wear: a dirty t-shirt and shorts and a baseball hat. If I were Emily, I’d be pissed. Unless Emily has changed into daisy dukes and a t-shirt tied at the waist. Anyway, Eric offers his guest some paddle fish caviar and they pronounce it, “not good at all.” There’s a homemade slip and slide, a toilet seat horsehshoe game, and a bobbing for pig’s feet contest. When the pig’s feet have all been bobbed, it’s time to cut the cake and… Emily has changed. They’re not cut offs, but she has changed into a spaghetti strap tank top and her favorite jeans. Hey, I’m not judging. I would have killed to have been able to get out of my cumbersome dress at my reception, but I was thinking more of a bridal suit, not my gardening attire. I also have issues with their wedding cake. I’ve seen worse, but I expected more because Emily was a punk rocker, right? Their wedding cake looks like someone sliced a tree into cross sections and propped them up on beer cans. Moose are kanoodling on top of the cake. I’m disappointed. It’s not that it’s horrible, but I think Emily could have done better in terms of wedding cake edginess. It feels like she went the direction she did just to make him happy and I hate it when brides do that. It shifts the balance of power, and ladies, once it’s shifted it’s virtually impossible to get it back. S’all I’m sayin’.
The reception ends and it’s gift time. Like the wedding cake it’s a bit of a letdown. Eric gives her a saddle which he unwraps for her. It’s for if she wants to go moose hunting with him. If, not when. She gets him a raccoon penis. From a raccoon she shot herself.
To be honest, this was not the best episode EVAH. Not even close. However, I did learn that raccoons have an actual bone in their boners (as do seals and whales – but I’m not sure if any of them are actually made of ivory like Emily stated), and knowledge gained is never time wasted. Or whatever.