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Tivo? Right now you can kiss my tired ass.

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Olivia woke up at 5 mutherphuckin a.m. after being up and down at least 4 times between midnight and then. “Watch E-eggo, Mommy?”  The only thing that mommy wanted to watch was the inside of her eyelids because, d-yamn! 5 mutherphuckin a.m.  Of course Diego (and Dora, and Thomas the Train, and Blues Clues) had deleted itself from TIVO last night which did not go over well at all. Temper tantrums are my favorite way to start the day. 

Seriously, why would TIVO delete those things? Was it a conspiracy? Does sleep deprivation make me sexier somehow? How come there are still 10 episodes of Mission: Organization? Why couldn’t it have wiped that show out instead?! WTF is all I can say.

At 5:15 I’d nuked some leftover chocolate pancakes and took last night’s unfinished strawberry milkshake and let her eat breakfast in my bed and watch South Park (don’t judge me!) just so I could get 5 more minute’s sleep. 

At 5:20 I started a load of laundry – specifically our comforter and sheets. Because I’m an idiot who gave her child chocolate CHIP pancakes and a strawberry milkshake. Without a lid.

South Park did not hold her interest and her demands for Diego and Dora Explorah or Blues Stews or OH MY GOD SOMETHING, ANYTHING, in her Nick, Jr. repetoire grew louder and more plaintive and by 6:00 a.m. I’d officially lost my shit and considered locking her in her room to scream until at least 9 a.m. when good little girls and boys wake up and greet the well rested adult world. Instead I decided to distract her with the laptop and some Weird Al videos which earned me a nice smack across the face and an eye gouge because DAMMIT, MOTHER, THAT IS NOT DIEGO! ALSO: I WANT MORE SHAKE! AND A POPSICLE! AND I HAVE TO POOP, BUT NOT IN MY DIAPER AND NOT IN THE POTTY, AND OH MY GOD YOU ARE SO STUPID I HAVE TO SMACK YOU AGAIN AND THEN PUT ON MY CROCKS AND RUN MY PLASTIC CLAD FEET DOWN YOUR BARE LEGS!

I’m sure the day can only get better.


About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

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