RSS Feed

I might be PMSing but

Posted on

I nearly cried when I followed a link to this page . Before you go there I’ll be upfront and tell you that it won’t be sad to you – no dead/missing children/pregnant women or abused pets or foreclosures or diseases. It is, in fact, for this woman, a happy page.  You know when someone does something that you desperately want to do but somehow never end up doing because you’re too inept or lazy or overwhelmed with other stuff or just plain (if you believe in luck and the lack of) unlucky? You know how you feel jealous and sad and not quite up to snuff? Well, that’s what I feel.

I don’t even know this woman, this Julie Kenner, but she? She got what I want (but you say he just a friend… biz markie 1987) , at least motivationally. Plus? I got that unpleasant rush of Heyyyyyyyy, I totally would’ve wanted to write that if I’d come up with the idea!! She stole an idea that I wanted to have!! Buffy the Vampire Slayer turns soccer mom?! Brilliant! And it could have been mine if only I’d thought of it!

Today’s been like that though. I woke up feeling jealous and petty and fat, and Jack, poor guy knew it from the moment he opened his bedroom brown eyeballs.  “Ooh no,” he said.

“I’m fat.”

“Oooh no,” he said again.

“I eat too much and I hate to exercise and I’m afraid to take Alli because I just know I’ll just Alli-oops in public and that’s the last thing I need.”

“Alli-oops?”

“It’s what all the cool kids are calling that pizza grease discharge that shoots out your ass when you least expect it.”

“I’m not even awake yet,” he said.

“It’s humiliating being fat,” I went on. “Skinny people don’t ever have to shit themselves in public.”

“It’s not even 9 yet,” he said.

“I’m just a fat, lazy loser with maggots in her basement.”

“You’re beautiful,” he said. “And I’d love you if you weighed – wait. How much do you weigh?”

He withered under my glare. “I’m sorry. I’m still waking up. I don’t know what I’m asking. You’re beautiful and you’ll always be beautiful to me.”

“Just not to other people,” I sniffed.

“I’m taking a shower,” he said, throwing the covers back.

“I’d join you, but I don’t think we’d both fit,” I called after him.

“Water’s on,” he yelled. “Can’t hear you. But I love you.”

I haven’t seen much of him today. I think he’s hiding from me. But the day didn’t improve because I found that site about the successful writer who not only had a full time job as a lawyer, but 2 kids and 3 cats as well and still managed to write and get her bramillion books published. Also? My feet hurt.

Advertisements

About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

3 responses »

  1. collectionofmemories

    Don’t make yourself feel bad over someone else’s life. Just because she is a lawyer/writer/mom doesn’t mean that she is good at all three. She has the same 24 hours in her day as you do – she can’t fit in everything. Unless she is some kind of pod-person who sleeps like two hours a day and still manages to be pleasant and energetic – and who would envy that?

    Reply
  2. You can come alli – oops at my house – it’s only fair having gotten your couch. That was the full strength prescription dosage, so maybe you won’t, maybe. I haven’t oops again with just the otc dosage, yet.

    ALways, in your darkest days and mornings, when jack doesn’t say the right thing and you feel every bit of your 132lbs and your feet throb, remember – Weird Al looked down YOUR shirt!

    Reply
  3. Ah, Rose! Collection of Memories is right — my kitchen table is currently buried under three days of mail, the girls’ bathroom is essentially a science experiment in progress, and we’ve eaten take-out for four days because I’m on deadline. Plus, I had to ask my mom to help me figure out how to make a Caveman costume for my 5yo. Maybe the guy from the Geico commercial will come after me, but I gotta say … if a caveman could figure it out, surely I shoulda been able to manage? Right? Right?????

    I’m thrilled you like the premise of the demon series, though! If you want to drop me an email with your address, I’ll pop a copy of the first in the series in the mail to you. (And hopefully — from my perspective at least — you’ll like the execution as much as the idea)

    Julie (clearly procrastinating on the killer deadline since I’m following trackbacks to my website)

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: