But I am not a good mom because she’s making me watch Hi Skool Muzackal 2 with her.
Why can’t I be addicted to meth like all the cool moms?
Okay so it starts out with our hero Croy and his posse in class having a countdown until SUMMAH. Not Meryl Streep the drama teacher is droning on insanely about FerTILE young minds. One asshole kid asks her about her favorite summer memory and she goes on and on and the students are all Summer! Summer! Summer! until the bell rings and they get to throw papers in the air and dance. What time is it? Time of our lives!
Croy’s all, my girl’s where it’s all about and Blabriella is – well, to tell the truth I stopped listening because she’s dull. Cut to Sharpie and her twin brother Bryan signing autotgraphs and looking like a queen and his hag. Then the basketball team does whqat bb teams so often do in the middle of the hallway – dance. Dudes, this is one freakin’ long song. Ooh, we’re in the commons and the marching band is now jamming with the rest of the student body.
This never would have happened at my high school. We had a distinct lack of rhythm.
Okay, song over and Croy and his boyz are talking about how they have “to make bank” because college/cars/girls are expensive and their parents were poor planners. Get that? THEY NEED JOBS.
Somewhere down the hall Sharpie and Blabriella are peeing in their corners. “I hear your mom moves you every summer,” Sharpie says hopefully. She hates Blabby because of Hi Skool Musackal 1. Blabby is all, “Not this summer. I’m here unti graduation bizzotch.” Sharpie’s smile falls and she turns back to her locker. Foiled again! Then Blabby does the only cool thing she does the entire show and thanks her for helping her score a spot in the winter musical (HSM1).
Next scene Marta, Saylor and Chelsea are walking the halls bemoaning the fact that they don’t have summer jobs. Get it? THEY ALSO NEED JOBS.
Hmm. Wonder if they’re going to get jobs.
Croy and Blabby meet up at her locker and Croy gives her a necklace and they almost kiss but are interrupted by the rest of the gang and a freshman who wants an autograph? Okay. Sure. They laugh and walk down the hall passing Sharpie who mocks them then gives Chelsea a job as their hotel pianist. Oh, because Sharpie and Bryan’s parents own this resort. Because they’re rich. Got it? THEY’RE RICH.
“Who’s the hottest guy in our school? Sharpie asks Bryan. Bryan looks longingly after Croy. “Croy Bolton,” he sighs. “And who’s the hottest girl.” Bryan looks thoroughly confused because he totally doesn’t swing that way, but then remembers his line. “You?” Turns out Sharpie wants Croy. And I think Bryan does too.
Meanwhile the b-ball team returns from practice. Obviously the coach is showing favoritism because there are only 4 players in his kitchen and one of them is his son Croy. Coach is all, “you boys stick together and practice your moves,” and somewhere Bryan faints in delight. Then he asks them about jobs and they’re all jobless and sad about it. And then!! Then the phone rings and it’s Mr. Fulton from the club!! Would he like a job? Croy accepts and then suggests Blabriella as a lifeguard.
Next scene Sharpie and Bryan are driving her pink car to Lava Springs and we learn that she arranged for Croy to be hired. We also learn later that the entire Wildcat team and Blabriella has been hired as well and Sharpie is NOT PLEASED. But first she has to sing about being fabulous. I die a little inside.
Next we’re in the kitchen with WHAT TEAM? Wildcats!! and they’re unhappy and Croy gives them team captain spirit talk! Chad ain’t havin’ it so they have to dance and sing some more. I think living in this world would make me tired. They’ve got to work! Work! Work it out! You know, I’m not sure what kind of resort this is, but I don’t think I’d be too happy with the ENTIRE staff being 17 years old. But that’s just me. Also Z’ak doesn’t look as orange in this song. Anyway, Croy convinces them to stick it out and we’re onto….
The end of the day and the plunking guitar of impending romance sounds. Croy and Blabriella are picnicing on the golf course – which is members only. They talk about college and scholarships and how this is the first time Blabby hasn’t been uprooted blah blah blah – tossing grapes in each other’s mouths. Turns out Sharpie and Bryan are spying and Sharpie instructs Fulton to turn on the sprinklers. Does this stop our indomitable young lovers? Oh hails no! Much to Sharpie’s consternation they frolic. Sharpie tells Bryan to keep an eye on the twosome and Bryan’s eyes linger a little too long on Croy for my comfort. Cut to Mr. Fulton on the golf course chewing out Croy and Blabby and this is strike 2, don’t let there be a 3rd. Croy, being all gentlmanly is all, “This was totally my idea,” and Fulton is all, “I hate my job.”
Next morning Croy and Blabby enter work arm in arm and swipe their cards together and then they hear MUSIC! OOooh, it’s Chelsea and her new song and oh boy I hope they sing again!! Turns out Chelsea wrote the song for them! Croy and Blabby because they’re everyone’s favvy couple! She’s hoping they’ll sing it at the resort talent show. Croys all, nope, but Blabby knows how to handle him and viola! My wish is granted and they start singing. And dancing. Dudes? Those rumors about Z’ac F*ron being happy? There might be some merit there. Enter what team? WILDCATS!! More dancing. More almost kissing. Everyone loves the song and CROY IS IN!! Yes! There will be a talent show!!
Next we’re in spa with Sharpie and her mom and a rather frightening avocado mask. Seems Bryan was watching and is now reporting and Sharpie’s wheels are turning. She wants Croy in the talent show. And then she asks her mother when tee time is. Hmmm… I sense scheming.
Then they gayest scene ever in the kitchen. Chad: “How shall we deliver the food today?” Croy: “Skipping arm in arm?” And then they do and I giggle and start to say GAY!, but my daughter looks at me all offended so I don’t.
Now we’re on the golf course with the Ebans family and Croy and Chad are caddies. Sharpie’s dad arrives in a helecopter. Do people really do that? Besides Donald Trump. Boring golf ensues, Chad nearly gets groined by Sharpie’s ball and then nearly run over by Sharpie’s golf cart. Will someone die or make out or sing already? I’m bored. Croy gets just enough free time to ask Blabby out to dinner and an illicit swim in the club pool, but Sharpie comes by and fun is over. Sharpie arranges it so that Croy gets to golf with the family and… I hate this movie. Sharpie gets to the point. Daddy can arrange someone from some college somewhere to meet with Croy about a scholarship.
Cut to dinner with guy from college. Blah blah blah teammates feel slighted, he’s an hour late for dinner and swim with Blabby. Ooh, I hope this isn’t strike 3 because you know they’re going to get caught. So anyway, late for date with Blabby. Saylor is there to remind Blabby that being late for a date of any kind is nearly unforgivable. Croy runs and jumps in the pool and Blabby’s all, “hahahaha! You’re crazy Wild Cat.” Then Croy pretends to drown and Blabby rescues him and for two people who don’t want to get caught they’re yelling a lot. Annnnnnd almost kiss but then… Well, hello Mr. Fulton! This wasn’t Blabby’s fault, it was all mine and whoops. 2 strikes, don’t let there be a third.
We’re in the garage working on a car with Croy and Coach Bolton and Croy’s all it was weird pretending to be rich while my teammies served me. And Coach is all, life sucks for them. But Croy? It’s not sitting well with Croy but then Coach gives him the car and all is forgotten.
Next day Croy is promoted in front of his teammies. I think there’s gonna be trouble. And hopefully MORE DANCING! Don’t let me down Disney! Don’t let me down. Ooh, not only has he been promoted he’s been extended a club membership – but can’t have visits from WHAT TEAM?! WILDCATS!
We see Croy on the course teaching the kids how to golf. These kids suck. Although there is one great line. A kid is beating the ground with his club and Croy says, “Good job, Killer. Make the ball fear you.” I’m totally using that line if I ever coach. And oooh, his 11:30 has just showed up and it’s Sharpie! And now he’s going to be her partner in the talent show. Saylor sees it all happening and she’s got the look of malcontent. She runs to Blabby and blabs.
Croy is called to the lobby where players from U of A are waiting for him and he’s invited to play on their court and eat lunch with them, and while eating and discussing grip Chad comes by to serve Croy his burger and Croy’s all, “Uh, I ordered swiss on my burger.” OH NO HE DIDN! Cut to the kitchen where Chad, Blab, and Saylor are all, “Dude’s a dick.” Only Disneified.
Cut to Chelsea and her piano. Sharpie enters and forces her to change the Croy and Blabby lurve song to her key. Chelsea’s all, “But I … I wrote it for them….” Sharpie doesn’t care. Bryan is offended and wants to know what’s going to happen with the Oogie Googie song he and Sharpie were going to perform together, and what he’s going to do with his Tiki Warrior costume?! Tiki Warrior costume? For realsies?
Now we’re on the b-ball court and Croy is warming up for his big date with the college boys. Blabby makes an appearance and he’s all, “I gotta run but when I get back we’ll go to a movie. I promise.” Blabby’s all, “Promise is a big word.” And I’m all, well, 2 syllables – so I guess. “Like how you promised to play the baseball game today after work? You forgot, didn’t you?” She’s all, you’re totally different. I don’t know you anymore. Then UofA rolls up and the old Wildcats show up and Chad is all, “Hey Bolton! That’s my ball!” Ooooh.
Cut to Blabby and Saylor in a golf cart and Bryan walking across the road. They don’t speed up to hit him but instead offer him a ride to the baseball game. They get there and Chad’s all, “You’re gay and dancing’s gay and I’ll prove it by dancing on the baseball field with my posse.” A dance off ensues the result of which is…. I’m not sure. They’re both gay? Chad wins and now he’s gonna dance in the show? Ok.
Ooh, now we’re back to practicing with UofA – this kid is good, coach likes what he’s seeing. Taking a break, Croy calls what team? WILDCATS! but no one answers because Chad and Bryan and the rest are too busy bonding over hot dogs. Next instant Bryan sneaks up on Blabby as she’s cleaning the pool and starts flirting. Oh, Bryan. Bless your heart. It’s not working for me. Sorry. But it seems to convince Croy who has walked up on them. Bryan compliments Blabby’s mom’s brownies and Croy is all, “I know. I’ve had them.” Words remain unspoken, but eyebrows are furrowed and Croy walks away.
Next day at work, Croy and Chad come to near fisticuffs because Croy won’t ask the UofA players if the WildCats!! can practice with them, captain, and because he’s jealous that Croy’s getting all this special attention. Croy is all, I didn’t ask for this, but I gotsta get my college on. And I don’t answer to you. Croy looks like he’s going to cry and I totally want him to.
Okay, now it’s time for the rehearsal with Sharpie. And, okay, I like this one. Assley T can’t sing very well, but she’s funny sometimes. Stop looking at me like that. Plus? I do enjoy a good monkey move. Oh you had to realize there was dancing. Croy is overwhelmed and wondering just what he’s gotten himself into. Dude, its called college. Sing with Sharpie for the scholarship. Don’t be dumb.
Ooh, we’re back at the hoop. Croy hears music and follows it to find all his buddies practicing for the recital. Aww – he’s feeling left out. He misses his buddies. Uh oh – Sharpie has also followed the music and she’s not happy with Bryan. Bryan’s switched sides you see. And not like that. He’s still boycrazy, but he’s also a part of WHAT TEAM?! Wildcats! This does not sit well with his sister and she sets about ruining their fun.
Uh-oh!! It looks like employees aren’t permitted to perform in tonight’s recital. They’re all bummed and Blabriella’s got something to say about it. Sharpie is not impressed with her guilt trip and it’s boring and no one slaps anyone or pulls anyone’s hair. Sharpie leaves, Blabby quits, and lays into Croy. She also sings because her heart is broken. She’s got to do what’s best for her you see. The gods are smiling because there is no dancing. Guys this is the most musical break up ever. He does however touch her boob.
Next day after four days of soul searching or whatever Croy returns to his job where he finds out about the employee ban from the recital. This does not sit well with Croy, who has figured out that his friends are more important than a full ride to college? Okay. Whatever. If those are your principles. Annnnd cue… the angry dancing. Croy has a score to settle y’all. Bet on it. He’s also auditioning for West Side Story.
He quits the show, Sharpie freaks. Croy doesn’t like the way she’s treating his friends and he doesn’t like who he’s become. And Sharpie says the 2nd best line of the night, “Oh we call all hold hands by the campfire tomorrow! We’ve got a show to do.” You mean you have a show to do Shar. Croy’s gotta kitchen to clean.
Annnnd RECITAL TIME! Finally. God! This is the longest movie ever. Backstage – Sharpie’s freaking out because Bryan won’t perform with her. Croy and Chad kiss and make up. Kitchen gets clean and Croy feels badly about leaving Sharpie in the lurch so he goes to sing with her but ONLY if the WILDCATS can do the show. Of course they can.
Soooo, for whatever reason Bryan tells Croy that Sharpie wants him to learn a new song, and Croy’s all the hell? But he does and ohmigosh, Blabby starts singing from the audience. There’s also wind and a cloud backdrop and I start singing Beauty School Dropout and my kids throw things at me. Looks like Blabby and Croy are back together. With dancing!!! Sharpie has been foiled. And have I mentioned the dancing?
The crowd including UofA LOVES it. Forget b-ball practice aspiring young pros! Practice your scales instead if you want a b-ball scholarship.
In the end Sharpie redeems herself by giving this years award to her brother! Who is overwhelmed and so so so so so very gay.
But’s not over yet.
We need one more group sing.
Kill me now. This is never going to end.
“Here’s to the future,” Blabby says. ”
“No,” says Croy. “Here’s to right now.”
And finally they kiss, and ha ha ha the sprinklers go off!
Annnd it’s still not over. More beach blanket wackiness, singing and dancing. And… is Z’ak F*ron wearing… capris? Dude. It’s not helping.
Everybody 1 for all… and all for 1!!!!