It starts with a Previously On…
Basically, Scott Baio is not the boyfriend you want. And I have reservations that he’s even the husband you want, but then Renee seems to like him….
Okay, scene 1. Scott is sitting in a golf cart at 3:30 a.m.. It is presumably the morning after the eve that he tells Renee he’s ready to get married and that she tells himthat good, because she’s pregnant. So Scott follows her out to the driveway – and ohmyGod I just noticed that the illuminated ice sculpture says, “Congratulations Scott Baio” like they need the Baio on there. Like he or we will ever forget that he is mutherfuckin’ Scott Baio, mutherfucker!! Anyway, stunned Scott BAIO follows a nervous Renee to the driveway where he proceeds to say things like: “You’re pregnant? What does that mean?” and, “It took me 46 years to go from A to B and now you want me to go from B to Z in the blink of an EYE!” And my favorite, “I can’t deal with what you’re feeling right now. I have to deal with what I’m feeling!” Christ, what a sphincter.
So he runs, attacks a valet, steals a car, breaks into his country club and then calls his posse John the hanger on and Jason not the star from the Wonder Years and some other guy. They run to him at 4:00 in the freakin’ morning and I gotta wonder just how much they’re getting paid to be Scott BAIO’s friend. Scott tells them the news, Jason’s excited (Jason is a father and “family man”), the other guy is happy for them but secretly wondering why this had to happen at the ass crack of dawn, and John Hangeron immediately advises him to have Renee checked out in order to protect Scott BAIO’S assets. Scott admits to thinking at one point that Renee might have trapped him on purpose which makes him an even bigger ass in my book.
An aside: If you’ll remember last season Doc Allie suggested strongly that Scott BAIO break up with John Hangeron and I totally agreed. He is the only guy besides Bob Saget who fills me with insta-rage. So throughout this entire meeting the groins John is trying to get Scott BAIO to talk about why he broke up with him. It’s amusing. Also? They’re all smoking cigars.
Then Scott BAIO calls Doc Allie and she sets him up with a Daddy to Be class. She makes a point of saying she’ll call him back at 9:00 a.m. with the number, and I am all ‘no shit’ – unless you’re suicidal, let your go to person sleep. Unless of course you’re a freshman at college and having “boy troubles” because more than one guy wants to
sleep with date you and you’ve never had this problem before and aren’t sure how to respond. Then and only then is it okay to call. But if you’re 46 and just gotten your 35 year old girlfriend knocked up? It can wait until 9:00 a.m..
The next thing we know Scott BAIO and Renee are in the car driving to her ob-gyn’s office to find out the sex of the baby which confuses me because that would mean that Renee is a lot farther along than the 9 weeks Scott BAIO had suggested to his sleep-deprived buddies. I don’t trust doctors who say they can accurately give you the sex of your fetus before 15 weeks. I’ve seen a 15 week old female fetus and neither my doctor or my nurses or I could give you an accurate genital reading. But whatever, since Scott BAIO’S life isn’t based in reality anyway…. Johnny Hangeron calls while they’re driving and Renee is not pleased. “You were supposed to have a time out from him. I didn’t think he was supposed to be talking to you.” Scott BAIO explains that they’ve reconciled. Renee’s lips grow a little thinner and she looks away. Sista, share my insta-rage with Johnny Hangeron. The man is an even bigger narcisist than your baby daddy.
Renee isn’t stupid so she stears the conversation back to something Scott BAIO is comfortable talking about. “Are you nervous?” she asks which gives Scott BAIO a chance to say one kind of funny thing that doesn’t relate to this or anything other then recruiting young men to join the armed forces. “Do you know why 18 and 19 year old guys are in the army? Doyouknowwhy? Because you tell a 19 year old kid to take that hill, he’s gonna go take that hill. You tell a guy my age to take that hill? He’s gonna say, ‘hey. What’s on the other side of that hill?'” And yes, he’s nervous and freaked out and is scared that it’ll be a girl and he’ll have to sit through tea parties. Renee scoffs that girls are interested in more than tea parties. Renee? That is the least of your worries.
We get to the 0b-gyn’s office and hear the heartbeat which makes Scott BAIO and Renee and even me tear up. That shit always gets me. Then we get to the ultrasound, which chokes the 3 of us up again. I’m a sucker for a guy seeing his baby for the first time even if it is Scott BAIO. Then Scott BAIO goes and ruins it all for me by not wanting to look in the envelope to see what gender the doctor has written down because then it will be real for him, but mostly because he didn’t want to find out that it was a girl. God, what a douche.
Then Scott BAIO decides he needs to buy a new house to hold all the baby stuff they’re going to need. It’s a 7361 square foot house, which delights Scott because it means he won’t have to hear Renee and the baby. Clearly the realator thinks Scott BAIO’s a gigantic tool as he asks if the newborn has to be on the same floor and even then if the baby’s bassinet can go in the corner farthest away from their part of the attached nursery. (My husband would tend to agree with Scott BAIO’S assessment of the noisy newborn situation, but both he and Scott BAIO are wrong.) She continues to think he’s a tool until he agrees to buy the very nice and very big house even though Renee points out repeatedly that it’s TOO BIG, and seriously? Unless you’re a family with 6 kids? It’s. Too. Big.
Finally, with 10 weeks left to go Scott BAIO attends a “Daddy to Be” class. Forgive me if the last person I’d want in my Daddy to Be class is Scott this should be more about meBAIO. Then for whatever reason the guy who runs the class decides to terrify his 7 month old baby girl by passing her around to 4 random men – one of whom is Scott you are the enemyBAIO. None of these men look comfortable holding this poor little girl – except for the cute older guy in glasses, and they’re being coached by this new agey freaky teacher to say things like, “Would you be willing to let me hold you?” and “I hear you feeling sad and scared, would you like some comfort?” to this infant. Weird. Just weird. So anyway, one guy gives the baby to Scott BAIO and the baby just flips her shit. Smart girl.
Scott BAIO and the guys decide to go to the driving range so they can talk all macho and smoke cigars and of course, talk about Scott. The other guy who isn’t Jason or Johnny says that Scott needs to make an honest woman of Renee. Jason’s like tru-dat, and Johnny Hangeron says to run. Scott asks Jason if he wants to hurry home to see his kids and Jason’s all, hell yeah I do. Scott doesn’t believe him, but I… kinda do. Awww. Then we have to focus on Johnny (who has been offered a room in Scott BAIO’S house) who suddenly doesn’t feel included in Scott BAIO’s life and oh my GOD that man is such a freakin’ 11 year old girl. He gives it the old ‘it’s fine. I’m sad and alone. Don’t worry about me’ attitude that makes me want to freakin’ NOT WORRY ABOUT YOU. It makes me very happy when the guys minus Johnny Puberty decide to hit the golf ball with beer in hand and cigar in mouth and then decide to make Johnny pay for the next round because he was too busy pouting to enjoy the “challenge.”
Okay, so fast forward and Scott (Baio) and Renee are in the restaurant that he took her to when he had to stop seeing her in season 1. There are a few things here that impressed me. 1) that Scott actually took something away from his Daddy to Be class and 2) that Scott and I are both opposed to traveling magicians at restaurants. And just when I think that Scott and I have a connection? He uses the magician to set up his proposal. At the restaurant where he put their relationship on hold for 8 weeks. Renee agrees to be his bride. Then Scott pulls out an envelope which I thought was a pre-nup, and by Renee’s response, I think she did too. Unfortunately for me and my dirty laundry viewing habits, it’s the envelope that’s housing the Baio Spawn’s gender. Fortunately for me God has a mean sense of humor and is giving Scott Baio a girl.
Scott voice overs that he’s going to spend the next 18 years keeping her away from guys like him, which is sweet. He ruins it however by adding, “Unless of course she ends up being a lesbian. Which is almost as good as having a boy.”
Ladies and gentlemen, Scott Baio is 46… and a giant tool.