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Scott Baio is 46… and PREGNANT Epi. 2

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Right… so… previously Scott waves his drama queen flag high and proud announcing his and Renee’s pregnancy to his posse at 4:00 a.m., he gets engaged proper, and he finds out Renee’s having a girl.

Y’all, I used to think Renee had something not right with her to put up with all the self-indulgent tantrums Scott throws, but this episodes and the extras shown at VH1 kind of make me like her.  She’s got a backbone.

Anyway, this episode starts with cartoony Scott telling us that he’s easily upset by little things and then he tells this charming story about how this one time in band camphe wanted to throw Nicolette Sheridan out a window. Stop trying to get on my good side cartoony Scott Baio.  And blah blah blah he’s once again taking steps to change himself for the betterment of man.

Moving day is upon them and rather than shell out the money to hire professional moves in snazzy coveralls, he and Renee are using two college guys they found at a gas station.  So, the college guys who are busy moving heavy stuff get snitted at by Scott for letting the security gate bang shut every. single. time, and normally, I’d agree with Scott, but he uses a tone that neither the college guys nor I appreciate. Then he starts calling for Renee. Then he realizes Renee has somehow warped outside and is now carrying a box and he gets all up n’ her grill about how he told her not to carry anything. He takes her elbow and leads her inside their 7,632 square foot house, but doesn’t even offer to unload the box from his pregnant fiance’s arms until she’s like, “then you carry this.” The dressing down continues, and I guess it’s how he shows he cares? “You’re gonna go into labor, and I’mnot ready for labor.”  Got news for ya Chachi. Ain’t no one ready for labor.

This part would otherwise be dull, but they fuss over what rooms to unpack first and it’s here that I first see that Renee has a little bit of a bossy streak to her – which he totally deserves and which I think is exactly what he needs. Renee is good for him y’all. Of course, he’s a whiny 12 year old who just wants to go play with the guys so he pretends to pull a grenade pin with his teeth and then toss it into the room his pregnant fiance’s in and once again I want to do something passive-aggressive towards him. Also? He totally packs like my husband – everything in one big box. Drives me (and Renee) insane. “This is not the way we pack, honey,” he is told and I heartily support her assertion.

Then 13 year old Scott Baio says he has to pee and goes upstairs and unpacks his Playboys and remember old times. I will say that he does look cute in his t-shirt. “Back in the old days,” he reminisces, “I was king of my castle.” Production makes me giggle as Love Shack plays while he contemplates the time he got quietly banned from The Playboy Mansion. Another thing that makes me snort and curse myself for liking Scott Baio right then is when Renee pages him on the intercom and he pushes the talk button so she can’t get through. It’s funny because I used to do the same thing to my brother when we were kids running around with our walkie talkies.

Scott escapes to his Daddy to Be class where his new age freak teacher implements the cursing and disconnect jar.  You know the drill; say something negative or swear and you owe the jar a dollar. Scott makes the obvious move of dropping his credit card in there, which would usually annoy me because he’s making a mockery of the jar, but c’mon. Any of those punishment jars are just bullshit, right? It is right that we should mock them.  New age freak teacher asks how they’re doing on last week’s to-do lists and boring white guy with newborn daughter says he has to fix the heat, Des wants to go to Cancun and get his drink on, and cute executive guy in glasses wants to get started on his organic garden so he can make his own baby food and both Scott Baio and I line up to smack him.  Scott calls them out on their lameness and says he’s havin’ a girl and wants to fucking die. Feed the jar, Scotty. New age freak teacher advises Scott to share his feelings.  When is Scott Baio NOT sharing his feelings?

Daddy class ends and Scott needs butching up so he and the guys go to a boxing gym to get off on guys beating each other up.  “Besides,” he says. “It gave me an excuse to avoid Renee for a couple more hours.”  And just like that I want to smack him again. Way to be there for your woman.  Tool. And speaking of tools, heeeeeeeeeeeere’s Johnny looking all smarmy in his hat. Johnnnny announces that he’s getting married. “What did you just say?” “What’s the joke?” are a few of the responses. In a nutshell he’s not really getting married, but that’s the way he wants his life to go. Well, Johnny, in that case? I just made my third million.

Scott’s friend who’s not Jason from The Wonder Years reminds him that before marriage he needs a second date, and I can’t help but like this guy. Johnny’s meeting women on the Internet and he’s there getting dates and has some pictures of himself posted and the rest of them screw with his self-esteem for a while before turning the subject back to Scott Baio’s spawn. Scott reveals the baby’s gender and Jason and Steve are totally excited for him and even Johnny looks sincerely happy for him. They all go in for a hug and wouldn’t it have been so great if Johnny had said something like, “You think I got a chance with her?” He didn’t say it, but we all know he was thinking it, right? Then Renee calls and tells him to come home for dinner just like his mom used to do. Oh, and bring a tomato.

Aside: How cute are the Manning brothers! For reals you guys. Am I the only one who thinks that Eli looks like John Krasinski?

And weeee’re back and on a double date with Johnny and his Internet date. And here is where I fall in love with Renee. She doesn’t like Johnny and has no problems saying so. She calls Scott a jerk in a very calm, matter of fact voice. I’ve built a shrine for her. So here’s Johnny and he’s very excited about this date. He asks Scott and Renee to follow his leads because there might have been a few things he wasn’t upfront about.  His date KRISTA arrives, and she is very pretty and seems smart enough. She also apparently smells good thanks to her Dior perfume. This earns an ‘oy vey’ from Johnny. I’m guessing KRISTA is jewish because Johnny starts using words like ‘mitzvah’ and requests that they all hold hands and pray before their meal. Okay. So I know that this was totally scripted, but Scott’s really funny here you guys with his expressions. Johnny’s going on about how excited he is that he met her on the Internets and even though her picture was fuzzy he’s glad she’s so pretty and not fat and ugly.  Awesome Renee suggests she and KRISTA go to the ladies’ room and Johnny grabs another hug before they leave the table. KRISTA totally wants to pepper spray him y’all. To Johnny’s credit he does not motorboat her breasts. The rest of dinner is kind of a wash – mainly because KRISTA doesn’t even make it through the salad. She’s had enough of John “Rabbi Schmuley” and his inability to 1) stop talking and showboating, and 2) remember her name. He calls her Crystal. You know Renee was all, “You need to run far, far away from here and don’t look back. Don’t ever look back. Change ISPs. Change your name. Do whatever it is you need to do to get away from this man” when they were in the ladies room. I respect that.

Dinner’s over and it’s sometime in the future and Renee awesomely opens the bathroom door while Scott’s sitting on the toilet, smoking a cigar, taking a dump and reading the paper. The guy can seriously multi-task. She wants him to help her tape off the nursery. Scott says he’ll help, but after he wipes he heads out to the church to talk to a priest about his misgivings about growing up.  He wonders if it’s a sin to sometimes hope that his fiance and unborn child are in a fatal car pile up on the highway. That is a good question. Also? What a tool!! He’s advised to talk with God and Renee and to get this squared out. So he heads home to give Renee grief about choosing paint colors.

Admittedly, Jack didn’t have an opinion on how we decorated the nursery for any of our children. All he wanted was for me to spend one afternoon telling him where to move the furniture and to have the paint ready for him to go. It simply wasn’t high on his priority list, and me asking him to choose between light pink and even lighter pink was physically painful for him. I get that Scott Baio. BUT he listened and pretended to be interested while I weighed the pros and cons of twilight shimmer and palest bubblegum. He did not sigh loudly. He did not try to steal my joy. He saw that I had a nursery vision and that vision was very important to me and he responded with patience and he let me dream. He let it be about me. That is what you should have done. Instead you tried to pick a fight so you could feel comfortable airing your concerns because God told you to.

Renee, bless. She lets Scott get upset and rant and just goes about her business and basically holds her ground and then when he finally admits that he’s terrified (finally? Like he hasn’t been SCREAMING this for months?) she stuns him with the truth. “It’s alright.” “It’s perfectly normal to feel like that.” And it is. Everyone freaks out when a baby’s on the way. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or third. There are tons of things to worry about. There are tons of sacrifices to be made. It’s supposed to be this way. And when you’ve been an insecure, spoiled little jerk for 46 years it might even take you a little longer to adjust to the fact that once that baby gets here, it’s no longer all about you.

Scott goes a long way in redeeming himself by admitting that he’s been mean to Renee and basically he can’t believe he’s been such a jerk. Then he waxes poetic about the past being the past and makes a big show of throwing away his Playboys – which we know is totally staged, but cute nonetheless.

Next week Scott goes back to Brooklyn and cries to a masculine nun.


About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

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