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Scott Baio is 46… and PREGNANT epi. 3

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Previously Scott tells his hombres, is a jerk, gets engaged, finds out his x met with her xx to create an xx, Renee is awesome, Scott waved his drama flag, Daddy to Be classes, and Johnny V is an idiot.

Scott tells us about this time in Brooklyn when he and his friend Richie thought it’d be fun to ride their trikes to Manhattan via the sewer system. Long story short, Richie got his fingers wedged in the manhole but that’s nothing compared to the beating little Scotty got when he got home. ‘Cause you know, losing your fingers vs. a spanking by a father who’d never spanked you before or since…..

Anyway, Scott’s dad knew that by doing such an effective job at spanking him the first time Scotty would never do anything so stupid again. And he was right. Or was he?  Scott is worried that he won’t be as wise as his father was. That is a valid concern Scott. Let’s address it, shall we?

Welcome to The Daddies to Be class, says the crunchy teacher Bill. We’re exploring parenting styles today. You’re either green (authoritarian), orange (consoler), or purple (nurturer).  Scott’s dad was green and orange and his mother is purple and by that reckoning Scott is certain that he’s going to be brown.  Then Scott starts talking (hmm… that’s new) and for once he actually makes sense to me. Basically, he figures no one knows what kind of parent they’re going to be in any given situation. Which is true. Sometimes I’m DO IT NOW!!!! And then the next minute I’m all, I understand that you need time to do this your way Sparkle Mary Sunshine Blue.  It’s okay. I’ll wait. And then next I’m, I went ahead and did it for you because I love you and I didn’t want you to have to worry about it. God. No wonder my girls are screwed up.  But Scott Baio doesn’t care about me, so I’ll get back to him.  Brazilian daddy Daniel says a vahation bahk to Brahil reminded him of how he was raised and therefore pointed him in the direction of the way he wanted to raise his son. Scott thinks that idea is stellar and arranges a trip to Brooklyn.

Batting cages with the homies.  Scott tells his buddies his plans to return to Brooklyn. Also he smokes a cigar. I’ll bet his suffers from halitosis.  Jason asks if he’s cleared this with Renee. Scott hesitates like it hasn’t occured to him that he should. Steve says he’ll go with him to scout out wedding locations ’cause Steve’s engaged. I hope she’s from Brooklyn. Then Johnny V asks if he should get ready to go. Dude? Does this hangeron not have a job? Scott and Steve share the same expression and say, “N-no.”

“But I wanna go. Maybe I’ll go. Just maybe I’ll go and you won’t know,” says Johnny who I’m thinking had a too “friendly” uncle.

“Well if you go and he doesn’t know, what’s the point of goin’?” Jason points out. I think I might have to hang out with him.

Then Johnny kinda pulls at the strings of my dead, stone heart by saying again that he wants to go, and it’s then that I realize that he’s Michael Scott and that’s why no one’s shot him yet.

Jason, who is normal and pays attention to the world around him even if he’s not directly involved asks if Renee can even fly at this point. Scott says yes and because her knowing what kind of an idiot child he was will make her shoulder more of the burden of raising their daughter, even if she can’t, he’ll put her in cargo. Was that a fat joke? I think it was. But I really can’t get too irate because I’ve fast-forwarded and near the end of this episode Scott latches onto another near dead heart-string of mine.

Scott makes some more derogatory voice over remarks about the mother of his child and her ability to make good decisions ending when she got pregnant. He brings up last week’s choosing of the nursery color fiasco, and… well… he has a point. Fresh cut grass – I’ll let Scott explain it to you. “I felt like I was in front of the green screen forecasting the weather….” It’s a bold, spring color is all I’m sayin’.

In the nursery, still painting Renee asks how his classes are going. He tells her about his plans to visit Brooklyn and asks if she’d like to come with him.  She looks and sounds a little offended because helleeeew….very, very, very pregnant.Scott claims he forgot, but Renee makes me fall in love with her just a little bit more when she calls him on it and asks what his agenda is. People, she is so goood for him! She asks who he’s going with and he says Steve. She gives him the patented mom stare and he goes directly into, “Johnny’s not going.” She has absolutely no problem with him going, then she gets horny and production plays “Don’t stand so close to me” which makes Jack laugh because he knows how this is going to end.  Scott tries to beg off saying he’s gotta finish painting, but Renee reminds him that he “got busy” with fat girls before. Then she hugs him and I think she’s blushing and Scott gives in and says they’ll “git ‘er done,” but if he can’t perform don’t get mad at him because it is what it is, and I don’t hate him for that because yeah, that far along in pregnancy? It is what it is.

Now we’re on the plane and Scott VO’s that it’s good Renee didn’t come because she’s so big they’d have to buy her two tickets and a seatbelt extension and fat jokes are just so much fun. There is of course the crying toddler on board which makes Scott declare that he’ll never be that annoying parent who brings their annoying kid on a five hour flight. Riiight. You say that now. I’d rant, but feh. He won’t understand until he’s there.

We get to Brooklyn where obviously everyone is a mobster and rides around in cabs. The radio is on, and dammit, Scott Baio, stop wooing me with Phil Collins (take… take me hooooooooome). Y’all, Scott Baio can’t sing, but a man who likes Phil? Can’t be that big of a jerk, can he? Scott’s still worried about his daughter not having a penis and not being a boy.  Anyway, the cab pulls up to Dyker Park and for a moment I wish Johnny V were there to make a crude joke so I wouldn’t have to.  It’s a nice park, with the old men playing cards, and kids swinging, and a Tony Soprano sitting on a bench.

Oh, it’s not Tony Soprano, but instead Scott’s old friend Anthony “The Philadelphia Lawyer” Italian last name. He’s got 3 kids now.  Then they stroll over to “the courts” when Anthony’s Uncle Robert is playing bocci ball with more old Italian guys.  Uncle Robert was a great guy that little Scotty and all the rest loved like a father – or an uncle if you’re Anthony. The man was wise and good with kids and his advice to Scott is to simply, “Justa grab and kiss ‘im and kiss your wife for givin’ sucha beautiful baby….An justa let ‘im grow and you watch ‘im.” Scott wants to know what to do because it’s a girl and not a boy and Uncle Robert is all, “A’so what?… You justa do the same-a thing. Watch her growing, love her, that’sa your job.”  If I might add? You will also need to change-a her diaper often.

Scott discounts “love it and watch it grow” as only working on a chia pet. Okay, that was funny.

Then we go to the deli and Scott busts Paul the deli owner for not putting his name on a sandwich.  A few more of Scott’s childhood friends join them at the deli. They all look like Tony Soprano except for their ring leader who … doesn’t.  They give Scott grief for asking for wheat bread. Paul leaves to fill their order and Scott’s skinny friend brings up colic and No. Shit.  Olivia had colic.  It was not a pleasant 3 months in our house.  Skinny friend also brings up menses, which freaks Scott out, as well it should. 

Scott’s not sure how he’s going to love the baby since it took him 46 years to find something about women that’s love-able. Besides the area between her neck and knees I’m sure he means.  And I’m right.  Back at the hotel he calls Renee and freaks out some more, but then proves that he already loves his daughter when he tells her to “rub the belly” for him. You can hear Renee’s smile. 

The next day we take a field trip to Scott’s childhood home which floods him with hundreds of childhood memories that thankfully he does not share. Next we go to say hello to Anthony’s mothah. “Hey Ma! Yo! You up dere?” Anthony yells to an open window. His mother, fresh from the salon I’m sure, comes to the window, congratulates Scott on his pregnancy, and sounds a lot like Carol Kane (Simkah from Taxi? Anyone? Anyone?). Then we cross the road and walk to St. Bernadette School where we meet Scott’s 5th grade teacher whom he tells us he had a crush on when he was a kid. She fits the mold really. She’s blonde and large chested.  You’ll be shocked to know that Scott tells her he’s going to be a daddy soon. His old teacher tells him that all his daughter will need is the love and understanding of her parents and him being him. This freaks both me and Scott out.  Scott is the most screwed up guy he knows and says he’s going to have to use different techniques than his parents did.

Scott tells us about his first day of school and how he cried and how his mother held his hand, and I’ll just bet that broke his mother’s heart. As Scott tells the story he realizes that it’s not his parents’ fault that he’s such a narcisist. He tells us that his parents supported him and loved him unconditionally. He decides to go pray on it, and here is where he gets me.

Right off, I don’t like having the cameras focused on him while he’s praying and lighting candles, right? It screams NOTICE ME BEING HUMBLE AND INTO CHRIST. But, enh, it’s Scott Baio. What gets me is when he finds the manly nun and talks to her, and he starts crying when he starts talking about his dead father, and I start tearing up because man, I have so been there.  I had a very close relationship with my birth-mother, and while I love my adopted mother fiercely, I miss not being able to physically share my life with my birth-mother. This is big emotional stuff – even if it is partly for the camera. The nun assures him that all will be fine.  Her advice? “The best gift you can give your child is to love its mother. Because love is going to hold it all together in the end. The real, true love that makes you cry.” And dammit, Scott Baio! Stop trying to be my friend!!

Scott heads back to Renee and his baby accompanied once again by Phil Collin’s Take me Home. Geddit? This time home is LA, where Renee and their baby are and Scott’s going to show Renee and his baby that he loves them more than he’s ever loved anything in his entire life.

Scott Baio is 46… and growing on me.


About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

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