Back in the day Scott Baio’s family didn’t have much money so he had a humble upbringing. That, my friends, is what kept him grounded.
Renee is 34 weeks pregnant and they’re on their way to their last ob-gyn visit before she pops. That’s weird y’all. Why is this their last visit? My visits didn’t stop until I squirted my babies out. Anyway, Scott Baio tries once again to endear himself to me by imitating Renee’s southern accent and exact words when he says it’s their last visit until “the Saint Bernard tries to come through the cat door.”
They’re doing the third trimester ultrasound and I am immediately jealous because it’s one of those 3D machines. I’d get pregnant again if I could have one of those cool ultrasound pictures. Right away Scott asks what an episiotomy is and upon hearing the gory details seriously looks like he’s going to barf. Or faint. Or barf then faint. Right there with ya, Scotty. They are not pleasant. At least none of mine were. Sometime, when we have a few minutes I’ll tell you about the slice and dice job I got with Olivia. The ultrasound technician immediately distracts him with a picture of his daughter’s face, and as far as freaky 3d pictures of fetuses are concerned, she’s adorable and Scott looks fascinated and totally surprised by how it’s affecting him.
Driving home he talks about how unprepared he still is, then he starts worrying about Renee’s episiotomy. It’s for the reason you think Scott Baio would be worried about one. “Can you spell episiotomy?” he asks. “I can. L.O.O.S.E V.A.G.I.N.A.” Oh, okay. I’ll give it to you. Heh!
At the Daddy to Be class crunchy, new age teacher is giving them the straight poop on how much it costs to raise a child from 0-17. Up to $250,000. No shit. Kids are expensive y’all. Diapers. Clothes. Vaginal reconstructive surgery. Scott is again flipping out and says he’s going to have to cut costs or get a part time job. Or… you know… sell his story to VH1. OR! He and Erin Moran could pitch Joanie Loves Chachi 30 years later. OR Taking Care of Fonzi! Oh what a laugh riot that would be.
Back from commercials we’re golfing with Chachi and the boyz. Only it’s putt-putt because we’re saving money. Johnny V is dressed up like an asshole. We learn that Renee’s having a shower, so the boyz decide that it’s only fair that they have a “Man Shower” in Vegas. Just by that suggestion alone I’ve come up with half a dozen more ways for Scott Baio to make some extra scratch. Scott makes a good show of not wanting to leave Renee since he just got back from Brooklyn, but we know that he’s going so feh. Whatevs.
Back at Chez Baio Scott meets Scott the wedding planner, a big, bald guy in a shirt that I mistook for tattoos. He’s toothy and totally on Renee’s side. They want simple and elegant at sunset with the lights of LA behind them. On a budget. Scott makes me like him even more when he voices over that the wedding planner and Renee were basically the same person: the both loved cake, they both wanted to spend his money, and they both probably had crushes on him in high school – which… hehehehe. Stop it Scott Baio. I want to ridicule. Bald Scott the wedding planner wants to go to the flower market the upcoming weekend, but Renee nixes it because it’s her baby shower and Scott takes the opportunity to announce that he is having man shower. In Vegas.
Renee’s not having any of that. She thinks it’s ridiculous and wants to know who’s paying for it. Automatically she knows it’s not Johnny V. “Johnny has never paid for a piece of bread in a restaurant since I’ve known him,” Renee says with wonderful disdain. Scott nags her to let him go without guilt and Renee promptly pours a glass of water over his head. I *heart* Renee. But, she lets him go.
Scott’s excited about 2 days in Vegas – showering with men. 2 days away from bossy, little pregnant women and their gay, bald wedding planners. Along for the ride are the usual Johnny V, Jason, and Steve, plus some slick lookin’ gangsta with hair exactly like Jack’s uncle and Jason’s HOT lawyer brother. Seriously hot brother. It must’ve been hard growing up with such a good looking brother. I’m hot for his brother y’all.
We’re in Vegas, in Scott’s hotel room drinking the mini-bottles from the mini-fridge and Scott is a little pissed because he’s going to have to pay the mega-bill that will result from the elf-alcohol that Johnny V passed out. Johnny V says he’ll make it up to him. “With cash?!” Scott wants to know. I giggle. Staged or not, it’s cute. Johnny knows this restaurant. It’s so good they’ll all be bowing down to him. Cut to…
A diner. It. Is. Awesome! The milkshakes and the ketchup are flowing. “J.J.,” Johnny says to Jason. “This is Vegas, baby.” “I know it’s Vegas, baby,” Jason responds, annoyed. “I’m eating chili-cheese fries, baby.” Jason needs to get a series. Johnny promises a night they’ll remember the rest of their lives. All Scott wants after the diner is an antacid and a good night’s sleep. Instead of gambling Scott decides to hang out at the bar where he could at least double his vision (ba dumdum!). Getting himself good and drunk, Scott trades his $10,000 Rolex to slick gangsta with Jack’s uncle’s hair for a $5,000 chip, then puts all of it on his birthday. He promptly loses. “Hey Scotty, that was the first year of pre-school,” Steve helpfully informs him.
Johnny V announces that the shots are on Scott, which pisses Scott off. Rightly so. Scott storms off to strip down to his skivvies in the casino because of that annoying static cling, then he goes back to his room to video conference with Renee. In his boxers. On his bed while eating macadamia nuts and chips. Renee compares him to David Hasselhoff. Love. Her. He confesses that he lost $5,000 and Renee is a lot sweeter about it than I would have been, especially after he’d complained about the price of a crib. Then Drunk Scott Baio endears himself to me again and makes her show her belly so he can say goodnight to the baby.
Next week Scott Baio is 46… and a DADDY!