First off? Bret Michaels and Rock of Lurve 2? It’s kinda gross to see him kissing my brother-in-law’s ex-wife. Yeah, Bret is totally around my age (older?) and I’mtoo old for him, so I’m not sure why Catherine and her Elvira hair (DEAD ON BIL’s ex) are still there. Now I haven’t seen the end of this episode, so don’t spoil it for me, but c’mon. Please release Catherine. And Peyton. And PLEASE let there be a Rock of Herpes 3. Please. *
Anyway… onto Scott Baio and his new bebe!**
Previously… Birthing pictures, quitting Daddies to Be, offers to pimp for Johnny V, Renee has the baby and makes me and Scott Baio cry.
His name is Cartoony Scott Baio and once upon a time his sister asked him to babysit his niece. She’d left him instructions to apply ample amounts of diaper rash cream and Scott fucked that up. Also? If his sister has kids, why wasn’t Scott boring her with his crisis?
Production brings us in with Every Breath You Take… and y’all, Bailey is A to the DORABLE! Renee and Scott are resting and Scott goes downstairs to have a smoke and unwind. Helen, the baby nurse Renee hired arrives and RINGS THE DOORBELL whichs makes me question her credentials right there. You don’t do that! Ring the doorbell of a house that just had a baby! THE MOTHER might be SLEEPING. Don’t worry about waking the baby. Pop a boob in baby’s mouth and zzz city. Worry about the mother because Dyamn. Hello? Just had a baby….
The next thing that makes me uncertain about Helen the baby nurse is her in and out “English accent.” Are you from England or aren’t you? Mary Helen Poppins via Indiana does not approve of Scott smoking in the house and calls Scott on that immediately. Scott offers her a drink, a beer or something and she’s all Dude, I don’t drink on duty and did you notice how clipped my “accent” is as I respond in the negative to your offer? Mary Helen Poppins gives advice on breast massaging to help stave engorgement and that gets Scott’s interest. She does not look impressed. Then MHP asks to look in the fridge to make sure there’s … enough food for Renee? I dunno. It doesn’t meet her standards unless being fully stocked on beer is essential for breastfeeding. She suggests they make a list: diapers, wipes, mother’s milk tea. We find out that the nurse will leave as soon as Scott’s ready to take care of Renee. Oh. So she’s never leaving.
You’ll be STUNNED to find out that Scott calls Johnny V (Wha?), Jason, and Steve to help him go shopping. He wants MHP GONE. This will require a trip to Cost-co. Johnny shares a little too much information about how he still uses baby wipes, but you know what? My baby’s 3 and we still buy them in bulk. They’re good for EVERYTHING. And hee… even though physically, Jason’s not my kind of guy he’s really kind of cute when when he’s talking about diapers with secure fit and clumpy and chalky formula. “Is it the kind that gets clumpy and chalky?” he asks. “How should I know?” Scott demands. “Well just pick up the thing and read,” says my newest t.v. best friend. Fortunately for all of us a woman with a baby comes by and helps Scott. Then Scott practices putting a diaper on a baby by using Steve’s hand. All for my amusement, and for that I thank you Scott Baio.
We return from Cost-co with our truck full of diapers to find people have delivered food. Scott’s confused and Johnny’s excited and starts using his fingers to eat right out of the casserole. I liked him better when he was despondent and eating cat food. To thank his friends for helping with shopping Scott heats up a doorstep casserole and feeds them on the front porch. Hope Renee wasn’t hungry. MHPs sticks her head out and asks if they’re going to have enough room for all those diapers since she likes to keep the nursery tidy. Johnny gets irate and tells Scott that the nurse is working FOR SCOTT. Jason agrees. Scott’s like that sounds good, but how?
Next thing we know Johnny’s moving in because his apartment is infested with fleas and Scott is working of aggression on some golf balls in the backyard. The camera zooms in through the kitchen and we see MHP helping herself to 3rds (according to Scott) of the Mexican casserole Scott liked so much. No bueno. He calls for Renee and complains that the nurse is constantly eating and Renee is all, “SO?! THE BABY IS SLEEPING! ARE YOU INSANE?” Johnny V wanders out and asks them to be quiet because he’s trying to sleep and Renee loses her shit. “What the HELL are you doing here?”
I just noticed Renee’s pajamas. Love them. Flannel skulls. Johnny and Renee start going after each other. “Talk about an extra mouth to feed,” Renee tells Scott. “At least she’s doing something.” “Renee why don’t you give me a break here? You know what kind of bugs are in my house right now? Bugs this big!” Johnny yells across the balconies. “It’s the company that they keep,” Renee says and Scott races upstairs. This is awesome y’all. Staged or not. Awesome. Meanwhile Mary Helen Poppins continues to eat.
When Scott reaches Renee she turns on him. “It’s going to be me, the baby, and us as a family, or are you going to go back to that life?” Scott kicks Johnny out. Johnny leaves in his pajamas. Scott calls Doc Ali who agrees to come the next day. Unfortunately she brings Crunchy Bill with her. Ali asks Scott how he’s doing with being a father and Scott just doesn’t know. He says everyone is blocking his access to THE RIDE. He can’t get on the ride. On cue MHP pops in to interrupt that Scott forgot to buy baby shampoo and they really need it if Baily is to have her bath that night. “She’s up my ass,” Scott says as MHP leaves.
Ali tells Scott that his communication isn’t happening. “No one listens to me,” Scott whines. “You’re not saying anything,” Ali tells him and I smile broadly. Then Bill starts in about emotional safety and self trust and shut up Bill, but Scott agrees that he needs to communicate with MHP.
Later Scott takes Nanny Helen out for fried chicken. In his truck. Because he’s cheap. They talk. He apologizes. They bond? I don’t know. They both have the best interest of Bailey at heart and blah blah blah he needs to accept that MHP is there to help. They fasten their seatbelts and are off to let Scott participate in the parenting of his beautiful daughter.
We get the obligatory diaper changing scene and it’s cheesey, but it’s also cute and Huey Lewis sings us out as Scott kisses baby Baio.
Next week Scott changes more diapers, rejoins Daddies to Be, races cars, and registers for china.
*I got my wish. Catherine and Peyton are both gone.
** Does anyone know if it’s BailEy or Baily?