Previously: blah blah blah Johnny V. Blah blah blah Bailyfishcakes. Blah blah blah insecurities.
Scott Baio has frozen sperm. So does Steve. Now you know, and knowledge is power.
Scott and Renee are in the throes of planning their wedding with Bald Gay Scott the wedding planner. Today their task is to register for crystal and china. Bald Gay Scott and Scott and Renee and Baily are all there and Renee says something I don’t quite catch and Bald Gay Scott calls the shop they’re in the anti-thesis of Target. Both Scott and I get a little defensive and say, “I like Target.” Stop it Scott Baio. I can’t mock if you win me over. Scott has a problem with the $400 colored crystal goblets, saying that he’s going to pick up a glass that someone’s peed in. Dude, what kind of Thanksgiving parties do you have? He shows Renee a $30 glass. She correctly identifies it as looking like a bee hive and sends him away. This is boring. Bald Gay Scott senses that Scott Baio is uncomfortable and gives Scott and Renee time to chat. Renee asks Scott if he feels threatened by Bald Gay Scott, and basically Scott says he doesn’t, but would the two of them stop poo-pooing his suggestions. Then he wins me over even further by saying that it’s stupid to register for such expensive stuff that they’re only going to use twice a year when they could be registering for stuff that’s more functional. Word. Although… if I never had to worry about money and my friends didn’t have to worry about money? Yeah. I’d be registering for the $400 champagne glasses. Because I’m shallow like that, and so, apparently, is Renee.
Bald Gay Scott returns with a sample of china and rips a little on Scott’s Target tastes which does not go over well. Scott calls him on it. “I feel like you’re making fun of me,” he says. “I am!” Bald Scott Baio says gleefully. “‘Cause you’re fun to make fun of.” Then production wins my heart forever by playing Room at the Top by my bi-polar boyfriend Adam Ant. Shout out to Rosie? I think so. Scott starts talking to Baily and he calls her cute and I have a feeling that they are going to have a wonderful relationship. He’s going to groom a daddy’s girl and it suits him.
Scott rejoins Bill’s Daddy to Be class mostly because it’s being hosted at Bill’s house that week and Scott wants to see where a crunchy freak like Bill lives. Crunchy freaks like Bill live in very nice homes with outdoor fireplaces. Dean’s wife had their baby and he’s thrilled and organic and has reached nirvana. Scott is jealous that Dean “gets it” and that he doesn’t. He wants to know when he’s going to get it. Bill tells him to lighten up or his kid’s going to be a nervous wreck. He’s… not wrong, but he’s crunchy Bill and I’m pretty sure I get a weird keep my young sons away from him vibe, so… yeah.
Scott decides to take Bill’s advice and lighten up. Which means, of course, going to a race track and driving race cars? Okay.
Meanwhile Renee and Kayla are shopping for bridal gowns and Baily is beautiful and sleeping. Damn! Renee doesn’t even look like she ever had a baby. Ever. Kayla asks about Scott’s bachelor party, saying that he’s definitely going to have a stripper. “His slippers are underneath my bed at night,” Renee says. “I don’t care.”
Back at the race track Johnny V scores himself a free tire that he rolls around everywhere. Because he’s a gigantic ass. If China had an ass? It would be Johnny. Screw it. It is Johnny. Johnny V is China’s ass. Scott, Jason, and Steve agree that whoever has the slowest time has to drive Johnny and the tire home. The instructor starts instructing and makes a joke no one really gets.
Back at the bridal salon Renee comes out in a huge bridal gown and a skull dew-rag (do rag?) on her head. Kayla cracks up. “It’s like if Bret Michaels were to get married.” Kayla is a mean girl. But a funny mean girl. I like her.
Back at the track the boyz are all suited up and Johnny is still rolling around his tire. Johnny V gets called to race. Boring race stuff. Scott gets in to drive and they strap him in and everything’s tight and blah blah blah boring race car stuff. Scott’s afraid and I don’t blame him and I wish to God this was over. Can Johnny V just crash now? Jason races like a pro. Steve races with puffed out cheeks, Scott races like my dead grandma. “Take your foot off the break!” his instructor yells. But Scott says he can’t because when he looks in the rear view all he sees is Baily and if he died right now the only memories she’d have of him would be this show and Happy Days reruns. I think Scott’s finally getting it.
Back at the salon d’ennui. Renee finds her dress and it’s… okay. It’s definitely a BRIDE’s dress from a bridal salon, ya know? I’m not wowed, but it’s certainly not ugly. It just doesn’t seem like something a C lister would wear. Oh, and it’s $800. Scott is rubbing off on Renee.
Back at the track the boys are settling up on their bets. Johnny drove 130 mph. Steve drove 170 mph. Jason drove 140 mph. Scott? 115 mph. Scott however can’t drop John off ’cause he’s got a “thing.” A few days later Scott is picking up wedding decorations and somehow ends up at a… strip club? Huh? I He sees Johnny’s SUV in front of a strip joint that has the best sign EVER – Lunch and Lap-dance Early Bird Special $5.99. Bret Michael’s needs that sign for House of Syphyllis.
Johnny is as you probably guessed it, alone in the strip bar eating lunch and watching a stripper work the pole. Scott gives Honey Dewdrop a $20 and asks her to leave so he and Johnny can have a little heart to heart. Johnny calls Scott on bailing on him at the race track. Same old same old. Everyone’s going one way, and he’s not included. The pot tells the kettle that at a certain point he has to grow up. “Is it just a little party that maybe you enjoy just a little bit?” Johnny asks indicating the wild and awesome life he’s living now. “You know what I enjoy?” Scott asks. “I enjoy going home and seeing my little girl.” He gets a little choked up, and realizes that that guy in the maternity ward was right. Scott has an epiphany about how good he has it. Without Renee and Baily he realizes, he’d be the loser at the strip joint at 11:00 a.m. on a Tuesday morning.
Then? THEN? THEN? Scott Baio secures his spot in my heart forever and ever by singing my all time favorite happy song by Firefall to Baily. “You are the woman that I’ve always dreamed of. I knew it from the start,” he sings and Baily is entranced and I am forever Scott Baio’s champion.
Next week? The freaky looking Baldwin brother, Scott doing a voice over, and the bachelor party.