Today’s afternoon movie – Return to Paradise. Okay, I enjoy Vince Vaughn and loves me some Joaquin Phoenix, and yeah, Anne Heche is intriguing and insane and her part could have easily been played by pre-surgery Meg Ryan, so I think, why not watch? I’ll tell you why not. Because it doesn’t freakin’ go anywhere. Will Vince Vaughn go back to Malaysia and save his buddy from a hanging death or won’t he? Granted I started watching this movie about an hour or so into it, but the last hour has been a Ground-hog’s Day of the same exact scene. Except for now. Now he and Anne are having sex. And nooow they’re on a plane back to Malaysia to save Joaquin’s life so I guess Vince decided that yeah, he’d go. Took long enough.
You know what I miss? I miss the days when Anne played the twins on that
soap opera daytime drama. There was a good one and a bad one and the bad one got pregnant and tried to get an abortion? Oh… wait.. she and Vince are in a Malaysian bathtub having sex. So now they’re in love? Also? The sex in a tub thing? I don’t care that it’s a claw foot tub, has that ever worked out for anyone?
Now were in jail and jail in Malaysia is kind of… grim. Not at all like Bridget Jones portrayed it. Strangely no one’s singing Like a Virgin. This is kind of a downer. But there’s Joaquin and I’m all better. Except he’s really sad and a little addled. Let this be a lesson to you kids! Don’t do drugs…
Okay we’re in the car again and oops, Anne has just let it slip that she’s not only Joaquin’s American lawyer. She’s his sister. Vince is not pleased. Hey, I get why she did it. I would, too to save my nerdy brother. But I’d also feel betrayed – and look at me getting emotionally invested in this movie I thought was kind of crap. Vince is leaving and addled Joaquin is going to die. Let’s place bets on whether or not Vince actually gets on the plane. Running through the airport… on the tarmac… and Vince … isn’t getting on the plane. Instead he will serve 6 years in a Malaysian prison and to save Joaquin’s life.
And OH NO – it didn’t work. Oh no ohno oh no oh no oh no. The American press screwed things up. Way to go Jada Pinkett-Smith. I love Joaquin, and I blame you and your Scientology. This movie is full of surprises, isn’t it? You know, Colin Firth would have gotten him out. He got Renee Zellweger off. (Hehehehehe) Anyway, Anne Heche is there and Vincent is telling her about how Joaquin died and I think they’re going to release Vince in six months and then they’re both walking in the rain and the end?
Okay. Joaquin died, Anne Heche fell in love with Vince, and the other guy who I didn’t mention because he really wasn’t that interesting, flew back to the states and instead of 3 years Vince had to serve 6 (reduced to 6 months).
Not a feel good movie.