Quite possibly the most boring Scott Baio episode ever.
Well. Let’s get it over with. My boobs aren’t getting any firmer.
Scott tells this adorable little story about the time he got so drunk at Jason Hervey’s party and peed in his closet. Who hasn’t done that? There was this one time – okay. I’ve never done that. But I know people who have. College roommate number 3? I’m lookin’ at you.
Right, so the show starts proper and we’re scouting for a wedding location. They’re on a rooftop (26 stories high – above the penthouse) and the view is phenomenal. Scott has issues with Bald Gay Scott and Renee’s plan to hang filmy curtains so Scott and Renee can be framed in pictures. Normally in terms of Scott vs. BGS I’m pretty firmly in Scott’s camp, but this time I think BGS is right. The top of the roof is a little… sci-fi/sparse for the wedding that Renee wants. Scott wants to dump Bald Gay Scott. I guess the stats are true, most marriages do bust up over money.
Daddies to Be class: They’re learning to sing to their kids. Guys… just… really? You need to take a class to learn how to sing Itsy Bitsy Spider to your baby? Haven’t they ever seen Three Men and a Baby? It doesn’t matter what you’re saying as long as you’re singing it. I sang, “oh my God, please stop crying” for the first 3 months of Olivia’s life. Anyway, the leaders team up the boys in the class and Dean is Scott’s “baby” and Scott’s supposed to tap Dean’s face while singing Twinkle Little Star. Scott’s embarrassed and Dean’s embarrassed (as are the rest), but they do it, and Scott admits to actually not even caring that he looks like an idiot because it’s going to help him bond with Baily. That is called growth my friend. Babies make you do the stupid. I should know. I’ve been acting like an idiot for 11 years straight.
Back at Chez Baio Scott sings pink, fluffy Baby Baily to sleep. It’s a tender moment. With Baily asleep Scott decides to help Renee with the wedding invitations. He realizes that he’s blown his anxiety about being a father out of proportion and that maybe he might be doing the same thing about the wedding – or, you know, his entire existence, but whatever. Also he wants to make sure Renee’s not blowing all his money. Renee is a little on edge – made even more so by Scott’s gum snapping. Scott grabs a red tissue paper rectangle – the kind that brides wrap the invitation in (I’ve never understood the need for expensive tissue paper to wrap expensive card stock in, but whatever. I had a $5,000 budget for our wedding. I couldn’t afford tissue paper.) – and spits his gum into it. That was kind of awesome. Then he goes on some more about how all Bald Gay Scott is doing is encouraging Renee to spend more and more. “I got money,” he says, “But I’m not made of it.” Renee challenges him to do a better job and he suggests e*vites. She says there’s a difference between being cheap and being frugal. She’s frugal, he’s cheap. And then she hands over the wedding planning responsibilities to him. “Don’t make me cry on my wedding day,” is her only instruction. Oh, Renee. What have you done?
Next Scott is on the way to see his agent Harry Gold. Professional reality t.v. star pays diddly according to Scott. His agent has some stuff for him. Apparently people keep writing scripts with Scott Baio’s name in the title: Frankenbaio, Baiowolfe, Brokeback Baio. Then Harry pitches a script where Scott would be the voice of a squirrel from Brooklyn. Scott asks if there’s a role in it for Johnny V. Harry says for sure.
A few days later Scott and Johnny V are auditioning. It goes pretty much as you’d expect: squirrel voice and nut jokes, Johnny V acting like … Johnny V. Scott sends Johnny V away and then has to say, “My nuts mean everything to me!” in many different voices. Animated truth, people. Animated truth. After a particularly deep voice Johnny V gets all excited and pushes the intercom button, “That sounds like The Sopranos!” “Don’t touch my button,” the auditioner tells him. Enh. That joke is a tired whore.
It’s BACHELOR PARTY time – which we hope will be totally different from the MAN SHOWER in VEGAS, BABY. They’re going camping, a nice, quiet, non-stripper activity (unless Johnny gets drunk). Scott and the boyz leather up and jump on their motorcycles – except for Johnny V who takes the bitch seat behind Scott. Have I mentioned how much I do not love Johnny V? Scott kisses Baily and Renee buh-bye and says very sincerely that he won’t drive over the speed limit or take unnecessary chances. There’s a guy in love.
Now’s the time on Sprokets when we juxtapose the bachelorette party and the bachelor party. Renee and Kayla and Danielle and a Baldwin brother get pampered with massages and mani-pedi-facials. Scott and the boyz duct tape beer cans to their hands and have a beer fight. Renee relaxes by candle light. Scott and the boyz videotape themselves sneaking up on Johnny while he takes a dump in the woods. Renee is an adult and Scott is a 13 year old boy, which Scott totally realizes. The “fun” part of the bachelor party is over (and really, after filming your friend crapping in the bushes, where else can it go?) and that means it’s time for the introspection. Scott, Steve, and Jason miss their kids and step-kids and are curious as to when exactly it was that they “got there.” Scott says that planning the wedding is really scaring him. The boyz agree to help with the wedding and do “the money punch” and seal the agreement. Be very afraid Renee. Then, the only thing that made me laugh this entire episode happens, and it’s dumb and physical comedy, but I love those pure, dumb moments. Everyone’s settling down in their sleeping bags (except for that idiot Johnny V who is standing around in his boxers unable to find his) and Jason tries to step into his and out of nowhere just falls over and breaks the cooler……… I guess you had to be there. But it was funny. Maybe not so much on second viewing, but the first time? Good, wholesome, someone might get hurt humor.
Closing shot of Scott and the boyz pulling over on their way home the next morning to puke in the bushes while Scott looks on marveling that he’s the most mature of the bunch. My money’s still with Jason, but since he doesn’t have his own reality show (VH1, are you listening? Boy needs his own show!) and Scott does, Scott wins and gets to be the mature one.
Next week Scott and Renee tie the knot.