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Scott BAio is 46… and Pregnant. And married. With Children

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Previously – everything happened. What? That’s not enough? Okay… Scott flipped out and over-reacted emotionally to EVERYTHING. EVER.

The show starts proper with Scott telling us this charming story about how all his gigilo friend’s ex-lovers showed up at his wedding. Awk.Ward. Then he says some stuff that I can’t hear because Olivia won’t stop. talking.

Fade In: Scott and Renee are at the altar about to get married, but production is telling us that Scott is having a difficult time getting the words “I do” out.  Whatever.  Rewind.

Six days before Scott’s wedding and Scott is feeding Baily and she’s adorable with the littleness and the lima beam shape and the pink and the burp. Her head fits in his hand y’all. Awww. The color of the nursery isn’t good y’all. Steer clear of fresh cut grass.  Scott rubs Baily’s back and murmurs her to sleep with all of his insecurities about getting married.  He loves Renee, blah blah blah ratings, blah blah blah the idea of being legally committed to someone scared the hell out of him. Production plays Simple Minds’ All the Things She Says which hurtles me back to high school where our lesbian gym teacher (and I’m not saying that because it’s a stereotype. I’m saying it because it’s true) made us to “gymnastic routines” to music of our choice.  Mine was a clever little mix of The Chicken Dance, Simple Minds, and Phil Collins. I think I got a C. I know I got laughed at because of my matching yellow Esprit sweatsuit.  Anyway….

And what does Scotty do when things get tough? He takes the boyz and goes golfing. I’d be pissed if Scott Baio took my husband golfing as much as he takes these guys. How do you deal Mrs. Hervey.  So the boyz smoke and drive golf carts and Johnny V  is almost tolerable. Except for the light weight fedora he’s sporting. He’s excited about helping Scott plan the wedding. Most specifically, the centerpiece. It’s Johnny V’s favorite part of the wedding. Well it certainly wouldn’t be the throngs of women spitting on him, would it?  They drive the carts some more and Steve swerves wildly and they exit the paved cart drive. This will be important in a few minutes. Johnny bugs Scott to get him a date for the wedding, an we’re driving again, annnnnnnnnd now we’re putting, and noooooooow we’re getting busted because someone saw someone doing donuts on the golf course.  Scott and the boyz play dumb as the course marshall is all, “yeaaaaaah, we don’t know who it was, but it looked like they had clubs in the back.” Yeah. That’s helpful. That’ll narrow the suspects down. It’s like the court marshall at the tennis club saying, “the perp had a racket.”  Anyway, the boyz play dumb, the camera focuses on a smiling Steve, and Jason doesn’t want to point any fingers, “But he [sic] thinks it was this guy in the blue hat.” And then Johhny V who is so used to being their patsy apologizes.  Yet another reason I have no respect for guys like Johnny V. Yeah, it’s scripted and all, but still…

Johnny asks Scott about the pre-nup and Scott is all “I forgot” and even Jason looks nervous. Scott goofs with them for a few more minutes, then they laugh and frolic in the course sprinklers. Of course he remembered. Scott loves his money. I’m curious to know what the payout is. I really do think that Scott and Renee are 4-eva, but you know… how much bank does Scott make?

Berlin’s The Metro brings us back in… production needs to make me mixes… and Scott and the boyz are at a Pier One looking place and Johnny and Steve are making a center piece.  Jason Hervey knows a lot about wedding planning. Scott and Jason lounge and talk about sex (no. Renee’s still recovering from her c-section), if Scott and Renee are going to spend their wedding night at a hotel (NO! The sheets are one big petridish of grossness! GACK!), and Scott says he’s going to rehire Bald Gay Scott. Like, duh. Like we were even fooled. What. EVER. Steve and Johnny show Scott and Jason their creation and it’s a big tall red and white floral thing. It’s pretty, but too tall for my taste. I agree with Jason that its height will hinder across the table conversation.

Ooh, Daddies to Be class! This week is show and tell.  They all bring their babies (except for Des because his wife/girlfriend hasn’t popped yet). Even crunchy granola teacher joins in the fun – and his son looks just like him and his name is Tristan.  Next is Daniel  from Braheel with his cute nugget Stephen. Then there’s Organic Dave with his daughter… wait for it… Rainne/Rain/Reign? Cute little fluff of pink, but I’m not lovin’ the name. They probably call her Stormy when she fusses. And then there is Scott with Baily.  They chat about what it’s like, Daniel’s bonding, Dave doesn’t want to leave the house, and Scott (who has been making adorable faces at his daughter) after talking about nothing for 5 years says that it’s wonderful and Production needs to call me because using Eurythmic’s It’s Alright (Baby’s Coming Back) was inspired. Des is still afraid of becoming a daddy, but Scott and the rest rally around and help him “get on the ride.”  Scott leads us to commercial with the following voice over, “There was no doubt that I had become a father. The only question remaining was whether or not I was gonna be able to become a husband.”

George Michael brings us in with Faith and Scott and Renee are at a precana class with Paster Charles (in charge of my day and my night).  They talk and blah blah blah and Renee hates Johnny V.  Even God can change Johnny Pastor Charles (in charge of my day and my night) says.  I’m not so sure about that.  Renee hates that Johnny is disrespectful to her and that Scott never stands up for her.  Yeah. I’d be pissed.  I’d be hurt. I’d be kicking some ass.  Scott uses the word “prideful” a lot, but basically, when Renee hurts Scott’s feelings by speaking ill of his friends Scott reacts out of pride. He sees it’s a problem and Renee smiles largely when Scott says he’ll work on it.  And then Scott asks Renee to set him up with one of her friends. “I love my friends,” Renee says. “I wouldn’t do that to my friends.”  Renee eventually says she’ll think about it.

Up next is the rehearsal dinner which Scott is late for because he had to go buy mints.  Scott tries to fool all us into thinking that he’s forgotten a caterer. Whatever. Let’s get to the good stuff.  Scott Baio’s brother Stephen  looks like a mellow Scott Baio with a fro, goatee, and glasses.  That was the good part. The rest of dinner is Renee pimping for Johnny V.  She is successful and Cheyenne has agree to be molested at Scott’s wedding.

 Then we’re putting mints in tiny lingerie bags, Johnny V shows up with the centerpiece and Bald Gay Scott shows up to make fun of Johnny and Johnny’s centerpieces and pretend to save the wedding.  Johnny V’s a tool. I would give him the wrong date for the wedding. Production plays Sting and we’re to commercial.

It’s now 3 hours before the wedding and Scott is dressed in a sharp grey suit thinking of all the relationships that were ruined by weddings.  Then he talking heads into a video camera that he’s Scott Baio and he’s getting married today. Renee talking heads how she knew that Scott was the one despite people’s warnings. The wedding starts and the bridesmaids look lovely and very normal in their red gowns. Not at all Hollywood. I think that says a lot about Renee. Scott’s manager is a groomsman and so is his brother who, not that it matters, is working the Italian Fro. It’s looking exceptionally fluffy is all.  He walks Kaylan (and all along I thought it was KayLA. Enunciate people.) down the aisle and Scott says, “Nice job, Kaylan,” which makes me giggle because it’s such a nervous reaction. And now it’s Renee’s turn. She looks lovely and the sash that was green at the bridal salon d’ennui is now a red. I’m guessing it’s Valentine’s Day or thereabouts.

The ceremony begins and the pretty music gives me goosebumps and we’re back to where we started.  The question is asked, Scott pontificates, and… says, “I do.”  Renee looks triumphant and happy.  They are announced husband and wife and Renee says, “You’re not single any more.” Van Halen’s When It’s Love takes us back own the aisle, and some very pretty country song takes us to the first dance and the cake cutting.  Then KaylAN gives a speech and calls Scott her Poppy which is … weird, but whatever.  She then drops the bomb that she got a one-way ticket from Nashville and that she’s staying with them. She kisses his cheek and Scott can’t believe his good luck.  He compares his house to the set of Steele Magnolias – being surrounded by a bunch of twangy southern women.  Very cute. Very true

The song Only You (yet ANOTHER good one) starts as Scott starts stressing out about Kaylan being cute and 18 and hopped up on hormones and how long it’s going to take Johnny V to start hitting on her. It’s a fitting ending with Scott more or less embracing his role in these women’s lives, stating that he lived through being 45 and single, 46 and pregnant, so 47… and married… with children might not be that bad.

Stay on the ride, Scott. It’s worth it!


About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

One response »

  1. Hmmm… maybe I should start watching more TV. I gave up with the strikes. What channel is this one on?


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