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What exactly is it that you do?

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Remember when you were young and planning how fabulous you were going to be? Married life was one big jewelry commercial. Life as a stay-at-home mother? Downy fresh. The reality is more of a Talking Heads’ video with pre-Nanny 911 thrown in the weird things up a bit. 

Just now I’ve decided that Jack and I are going to flippin’ connect if it kills one of us. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m a little title of this Mommy Uniform that I NEVER CHANGE OUT OF. It’s a metaphorical uniform, but now that I think about that,  I think it’s time to go buy some slutty fat clothes. 

I want a little bit of that jewelry commercial vibe in my life.  Dang it, he schedules time to coach and I eschew most household responsibilities to watch Noggin and blog, there is no reason on this earth that he and I can’t schedule in each other.  It will, of course, require me hiring a sitter, which will, of course, require Jack loosening up the knotted purse strings. In 11 years we have had exactly 4 sitters who were not genetically related to us. Makes me nervous otherwise.  I simply can’t imagine anyone but her seasoned aunts and grandmothers convincing Olivia to do anything. But, for the sake of my sanity I am going to bound outside my comfort zone and let a 14 year old girl I’ve met once care for the center of my world. Hold me.

Now, for those of you with experience in the spicing up of the marriage arena, how exactly does it work?  What do you talk about? I’ve read that anything child related is a no-go. It seems weird, as the children are my job, and he’s allowed to talk about his job, but whatever. I’m throwing convention to the wind with this wacky-assed plan of mine and nary a whisper of our progeny will pass my lips. 

Do you go out on a week night? (gasp!) Or do you snag a weekend night? Weekends are usually pretty packed here with those who shall not be mentioned. That might be something we’ll need to work around.  What if he’s tired and really just wants to come home and chill? How do you motivate?

What if you think you look sexy and good and then upon entering the ladies’ room at the chosen establishment where you will not under any circumstances talk about your loin fruit discover that in fact you look like a fat slut in ill-fitting clothing with a mom’s hair cut? How do you salvage your self-esteem? How do you salvage the night? An speaking of – should I spring for the whole brow wax/trim thing at the Curl Up and Dye salon before? Should this be “an event” or should I keep it low key?

C’mon. Help Rosie. Give me the low down on keeping the umph in the marriage.


About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

4 responses »

  1. Do up as much as you need to feel a little sexy about yourself i’d say. Because if you feel sexier you might walker or 😉 talk sexier…

    And walking down memory lane b.c. will help you remember what brought you together and encouraged to keep it fresher.

    And I am the pot calling the kettle…

    Try it anyway…just might work.

  2. don’t put too much pressure or expectation on yourself or him

    Talking about the old days is great idea

    Talk about things he doesn’t have to “solve”, “manage”, or “reprimand”

  3. Wear whatever you aore that had Wierd Al looking at teh twins

  4. Yay, have fun. Don’t get too over done…might freak him right out, lol. Easy going on a Wed. night -that way you have an excuse to run home – school, work, sitter has school etc…BUT if you’re having fun, eh, none of that matters, right?

    Memory lane, for sure…also…Scott Baio.


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