Meet Christy and Kevin. They’re from Florida. I wasn’t aware Florida had rednecks. Huh. Learn something new every day. Anyway, Kevin likes playing in the mud and hunting hogs and eating hogs and raising hogs and, well, Kevin is fond of hogs. Let’s just leave it at that. Christy likes to… well, I’m not sure because they show her mud wrasslin’ in her wedding dress and then dragging a bridesmaid who’s clutching the sides of a mattress behind a 4 wheeler. I guess it’s safe to say that Christy is into bucking convention.
The day dawns hot in Lithia, Florida and we’re introduced to Christy and Kevin proper. They met, according to Christy six, seven, eight years ago. Kevin was funny and smart and outgoing, and “so was I.” “I wouldn’t go that far,” Kevin interjects and right away I know that he’s one of those guys. You know, they confuse mean for funny. Not unlike myself. They were boar hunting together one night and Kevin just happened to have the ring with him, and he was so hopped up on the kill that he got down on one knee in the middle of the pasture and proposed. Christy gives him the stink eye, but I can’t tell if that’s just her or if she thought he might have put a little more effort into the proposal.
I’d like to say that I would have been all, “Oh no you di’n’t just propose to me in a field surround by mud and a dead hog!” but I think I would be lying because my first fiance proposed to me in a field of cows, and I said yes. We wound up not working out, but there you have it: field, cows, cow shit, and a proposal.
We’re at Christy’s house later and a quick look around tells me that Christy loves animals. She has a cat and a birdcage and I think a few pictures of animals hung on the wall. She also has that I like animals better ‘n peoplevibe about her. There’s a knock at the door and her sister enters and Christy shows her a denim mini-skirt and dear lord, smite me now camouflage spaghetti strap stop. I know without being told that this has to be the bridesmaids outfit. Christy’s sister Sherrie and I are shocked. Well, I’m not because nothing surprises me about rednecks anymore, but Sherrie sure is. “What kinda wedding is this?” she asks – and I gotta ask, is it just a redneck thing, or do all women south of the Mason/Dixon line just not have vocal or facial expression? Surely some of you are animated. Right? Please? Anyway, Christy clarifies that this is a country redneck wedding and that there’s going to be mud wrestling and that she’s coming down the aisle in an ATV. Sherrie says it best, “Ooooh, mah gahhhhsh.”
Out at the ranch d’amour Kevin, Christie, and Sherrie are checking out the venue. The ranch hand pauses when Kevin brings up mattress surfing and a blow up pool for the wrestling. Sherrie tries not to roll her eyes too loudly. Sherrie, the ranch hand, and I both adopt an attitude of ‘whatever, dude’ and let them go on with their plans even though deep inside? The three of us are weeping. When they’re finished Christy goes in for a kiss good-bye but Kevin puts her off for a minute. Then she refuses his kiss and he calls her a butt hole. Awww. Sweet nuthins.
Next we’re headed to the Southside Farm and Pet Supply Store to pick out Kevin’s wedding jacket. At the Farm & Pet Supply Store. For his wedding jacket, and apparently, camouflage onesies with ruffles across the but and around the collar. I don’t think Christy is pregnant, but I’ve got it paused and from this angle it looks like there mightbe a baby bump under her scrubs. I can’t say for sure. Christy is not a big girl, but she isn’t tiny either. So… anyway, she’s excited about the camo onesies and I’m sad because I’ve exhausted my camo jokes. (Where’s the baby?!) Kevin cracks wise about whatever and then finally we get to see him try on his jacket.
Now, as far as this show is concerned, this is one of the better jackets. Not a stitch of camouflage. It’s obviously a dress suit, something you might see on someone next to Carrie Underwood or Faith Hill or Loretta Lynn. It’s black, which I applaud. It isn’t traditional, but I think it says exactly what it’s supposed to. It holds true to the “country” in the wedding party without freakin’ looking like you snagged someone out of the hog huntin’ field to come hold the real groom’s place while he takes a piss next to the fence pot a few yards down. So yes, while not to my taste, Kevin’s suit is nice and he looks nice in it.
It’s bachelor party time! Wooh!!! And, yes!! Another hog hunting party!!! Complete with hounds. I never did research to see if there really were hog hunting reserves, but I’m thinking there might be. Someone let me know. Kevin can’t think of a better way to celebrate the ending of his bachelorhood days. I’ll bet you Kyle could, and it would involve explosives! So we’re along for the ride and some man in a neck brace (I think) is explaining exactly what it is we’re doing. “We call it hog huntin’ because you have to hunt them in order to catch them,” Jackie the best man informs us. “The ones that we are after usually have big teeth,” he clarifies. “that are… in their mouth. As opposed to those wily foxes who have a set in their asses.” I may or may not have added that last sentence.
The hunting commences. A hog is sacrificed. Pictures are taken with the kill, and I feel really bad about wishing Fern hadn’t gotten up early that spring morning to rid the world of injustice. Admit it, Wilbur was a whiny bitch. “Just what I wanted for my bachelor party,” Kevin says while crating his dogs. “A strawberry blonde.” “Yeah,” Jackie the best man agrees with a chuckle, “but he ain’t nekkid.” Everyone looks around uncomfortably and wonders if maybe Jackie just outed himself and when exactly they should kick his ass. Or not.
The next night or so Kevin orders Christy into the kitchen to help him with the wedding favors. “Git in here, woman,” he says, but we all know he doesn’t mean it. He’s just being a funny redneck. Christy’s in on the joke but nips that crazy “git mah dinner, woman” talk in the bud. “Shut up, Kevin.” Kevin tells her that filling miniature flower pots with corn kernels was her ingenious idea and Christy gets offended thinking that he’s calling her dumb. “No,” Kevin corrects her. “That’s dufus.” All the while what might possibly be the ugliest puppy in the world looks on. Seriously, it looks like it’s been skinned.
We car conference with Sherrie and find out that Christy’s not a girly girl, but that she’s going to let Sherrie fem her up with a day at the spa. Yay! I love days at the spa! All of it. The massages, the pumice stones, the herbal teas and the robes. I can be bought people. I can be bought. Christy also thinks it’s neat and to prove it she burps in appreciation. First up is the pedicure. Y’all? If men had any sense at all they would learn how to give a pedicure, am I right? Christy again burps in appreciation and Sherrie’s expression is classic big sister. I’m kinda loving Sherrie. Wedding talk ensues and the two pretty, petite blondes who are working on Christy and Sherrie’s feet try very hard to keep their expressions neutral as Christy regales them with tales of hog hunting and future plans of mattress surfing and how she’s going to be riding a horse down the aisle to meet her groom who will be waiting on a 4-wheeler. “Not your traditional wedding, huh?” asks the pedicurist. Oh, there have been worse, Madame Pedicurry. There have been worse.
Meanwhile Kevin and his Best Man Jackie (who is no longer in a neckbrace) are going to try out mattress surfing before the reception. Back in college to mattress surf meant to be a big slut and go from guy to guy (mattress to mattress). Here it means to ride a mattress being pulled by a 4 wheeler across a field. Yeah, it’s as safe as you’d think it’d be and I have several mini-heart attacks while watching these two jackasses try out the mattress.
Kevin returns to Casa de Christy and yanks her chain a little bit here and there about having the ranch hand put some cows in the mattress surfing field so it’s good ‘n ready for the guests tomorrow night. “Kevin,” Christy says evenly her tone brooking no shit. Christy is going to be an awesome mom to boys. Ain’t nuthin’ they gonna git by with. Kevin also wants to know if maybe they should practice up on the wedding night. “Safe sex?” Christy asks. “Well,” Kevin replies. “Whatever kind.” And seriously, it’s the best line of the night.
The big day is here and while Kevin loads up the horses, Christy and her bridesmaids are at the salon getting pretty. When Christy is revealed Sherrie bursts into happy tears because her sister finally looks like a girl – if not a little bit reluctant to do so. Christy does look very pretty all made up and even prettier when she gives us one of her few allotted smiles.
A wood sign with Kevin + Christy WEDDIN’ 😦 points the way, and maybe it’s just me being pissy, but I would not appreciate the frowny face if I were Christy. We’re busy setting up bales of hay (*sigh*) and 4-wheelin’ the guests to and fro, and setting up Granny and Aunt Momma Sue on the back of the pick up so they can see, and Christy makes a last second dash to the Port-O-Shitter before the ceremony commences. Then it’s high noon and Kevin and his posse make the trek to meet with Bad Bart and settle this land dispute once and for all – oh. No. Oh, come. ON! Really? Camo? Again? You guys, the groomsmen are wearing camouflage vests, and while they certainly aren’t the worst I’ve seen, they just had to slip them in, didn’t they? Nothing says weddingquite like camo. You know what, though? I’m not even going to get upset about it. I’m going to go with the sunny side and be glad that while they are camo, they are a sort of a charcoal gray and olive green camo that’s refined and understated. Yes, that’s what I’m going to focus on as Kevin and his krew start their 4-wheelers and drive the jean mini-skirt, spaghetti strap wearing bridesmaids down the aisle. My glass is half full, people!
Next comes Christy down the aisle and she and Kevin really do look happy and relieved that their time is now. Christy especially looks pretty in the sunset lighting. The wedding vows are read and I think it is very sweet that their minister worked in their idiosyncrasies. I like when that’s done. It gives the congregation something to chuckle over and it says that the officiate took the time to get to know the bride and groom. Kevin agrees to take Christy and her tendency to bring home strays, and Christy agrees to take Kevin and his affection for all things swine, ’til death do they part. The rings are exchanged and Kevin kisses his bride.
NOW IT’S TIME TO KICK IT COUNTRY STYLE!!
The reception looks like a great party. There is a lot of good southern food and music and… a game called sausage ball – which… um…. Okay, guys have a sausage on a string tied around their wastes and they have to move their hips in such a manner that the dangling sausage must hit a ball and drive it across the finish line. I’m sure it’s a tradition that hails back to the days when fertility gods were worshipped. Anyway, there’s dancing and bouquet tossing and garter flicking and then everything just heads downhill from there because now it’s mattress surfing time.
Christy wants to pull Kevin around the field, but I gotta wonder if that’s such a wise choice. I guess nothing says honeymoon like paralyzing your husband on your wedding night. She gives Kevin a ride on the mattress (not like that) and nearly wipes out some guests, but does not kill nor does she paralyze Kevin. When she throws Kevin off the mattress she demands that Sherrie take a ride on the mattress express. Sherrie is all sorts of hails no, but eventually relents and agrees to possibly sustaining severe and permanent brain damage as a wedding gift to Christy. I don’t know. I might have gone with a Chinette place setting instead. Miraculously Christy does not kill her sister either.
Next we mud wrassle (in the her wedding dress), and someone tells Kevin that he’s got a good bride. Kevin agrees but worries about the safety of their guests. With good reason. More people join in the festivities and then we hose Christy off with a garden hose and the party ends. Kevin wants to go home and “constipate” the marriage. Oh Kevin, you’re no John, so don’t even try!
Finally it’s gift givin’ time. Kevin gives Christy a pair of snake boots. No, not these:
but these: Christy is very excited because now it means she’ll be able to hunt without getting bit. Just… oh my god.
Christy gets John a camo bag and a set of tools. So when he comes to her place he’ll have tools to change the tires on her truck like he’s been promising to do FOREVER. A few things: Christy, you’re married now. You’ll be combining households. He’ll be living with you and will therefore be bringing his tools with him. Guys do that. Also, way to keep him on track, girlfriend! If he’s promised to do something then you hold him to it because the minute you let him get by with an empty promise is the minute you lose the power. BOO-YA!
Congratulations, Christy and Kevin!