…ate a corn dog in the bathroom? Really. Mommy needs to know because whoever you are and I need to have a little chat about that. I don’t want to make a blanket statement that “WE DON’T EAT WHERE WE SHIT” because I’m not sure the other two have figured out that that was even possible and I’D LIKE TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.
… keeps using my toothbrush? I shared my body with you for 9 months. I shared my boobs with your for even longer. I shared my bed with you, my cold drink on a hot day, the last bite of me bagel even though it’s the best bite of all. I’ve shared my curling iron with you, my brushes and combs, and barrets. I’ve shared my chair and my “me time” and my wisdom. I don’t frackin’ want to share my TOOTHBRUSH with you! Also, there are fewer things more frustrating to me than not being able to find my toothbrush in the morning and resorting to having to use your father’s because fresh smelling breath is important! So stop and desist immediately!
…keeps getting into my hidden snack container? None of you will confess to it because none of you want me to know that my stash has been discovered because that means you will have to spend time finding Mommy’s newest hidey hole and that equates into less time spent snacking, but really, Mommy wants to know which one of you it is so your allowance can be docked accordingly. Fruit snacks aren’t free ya know! And neither are granola bars, crackers and cheese spread, and MY LAST BOX OF GIRL SCOUT COOKIES OHMIGAWD YOU SUCK! If one of you doesn’t step up immediately and own up to this I am not above taking money from both your allowances (and quite possibly your father’s account) to cover the cost of snacks. Are we clear?
…wedged Ducky Duck Duck between the window and the screen of your baby sister’s room. Yes, it was funny, but 1) it freaked her shit right out, 2) she hasn’t SHUT UP ABOUT IT since “the incident”, and 3) it stretched out the screen which sucks because even though it’s supposedly an easy fix I CAN’T FIX ANYTHING and you know that you little derelicts.