Welcome back y’all!!! Oh, Tom Arnold and Tom Arnold’s glasses, how I have missed you! We bring the new season in with Tom promising more explosions, more drinkin’, less stinkin’, fewer teef. And beer. And mud. And no clothes. The necks are redder and everything’s better!!! Lawsy Tom, you do know how to get a gurl hot under the coller.
This episode’s about Anna and Bo. Bo is into (all together now) guns, trucks and mud. Anna is into skinny dipping. Oh boy. It’s not that she’s not cute, but really? You’re stripping down? On camera? This isn’t Cops, girl. Putcher clothes back on! She’s also into her wedding dress which ISN’T camouflage and has a red ribbon across the top much like Renee Baio’s prototype wedding dress had. Anna’s mom does not like the dress and is worried about what kind of birth control these too crazy kids are gonna use. This becomes even more relative (heh… relative) in the next scene when we learn that Anna and Bo are brother and sister. Holy crap, y’all. This. Is. AWESOME!!
Welcome to Verbena, Alabama. Seemingly there’s not a whole lot of Verbena, a few stop signs, a country restaurant, a high school, and like every other town featured on this show, inexplicably large pits of mud. Bo decides it’s a good idea to drive his truck through a mud pit. Surprisingly, it doesn’t make it. “I’m stuck,” Bo announces leaning out the door. “I’ll just pull it out with mah other truck.” Anna does not like this plan at all, telling him that instead of playing in the mud he needs to be helpin’ her with the wedding. They argue like all brothers and sisters do, and Bo walks to this huge ass white truck with monster tires which he promptly breaks. I don’t know cars, but it appears that the right, rear passenger tire is no longer a part of the truck. “I tore it up good!” Bo exclaims.
Next scene: Anna and Bo are sitting on the bed of yet another pickup (this one red, which totally brings back memories of my college boyfriend) explaining that they’re only legal kin since Bo’s parents adopted Anna when she was sixteen. I have to tell you that I’m a little let down. “I don’t think there’s nothin’ illegal to it,” Anna says. “Hope not,” says Bo. Uh, yeah, you might wanna check that out. Anna jokes that they’re just keepin’ it in the family. “That’s what rednecks do,” Bo says and then we cut to Bo helping Anna hold a hunting rifle. Which segues nicely to Bo carrying 4 or 5 shotguns (the wrong way I think) out to some men in the front yard. He shows them the wedding arch and then I think he implies that they’re going to decorate it with spent shotgun shells. This is where Bo and I must part ways. 1) Shotgun shells? Seriously? JOHN used beer cans and fairy lights. That was awesome. Spent shells does not = awesome. 2) I hate this mockery of the wedding arch. I just do, almost as much as I hate the use of camouflage in nuptials. But it is what it is, and John and his buddies start shooting watermelons off of some junker car and putting the spent shells (a.k.a. decorations) in a five gallon bucket. At one point someone is shooting a pistol and at another point someone’s rifle falls apart and a few guys giggle like it was some great practical joke instead of you know, dangerous as hell. Even my boyfriend Tom Arnold doesn’t approve.
Moving on. Anna is modeling her wedding dress for Momma Bear (their mother), and like I said, it reminds me of Renee Sloan Baio’s dress so I don’t have an issue with it. I wouldn’t have chosen a red ribbon, but
at least it’s not camouflage – but you know what? Even with camouflage ribbon I’d be okay with it. I’ve seen worse. Momma Bear, apparently has not because she says Anna’s dress is pretty ugly. She complains a little more about it as she ties Anna’s corset. “Camouflage bra and a red and white wedding dress. I feel like I’m dressing a horse for slaughter.” Momma Bear repeats about three hundred more times that she does not like the dress, but to her credit, Anna handles it well and keeps a pretty upbeat attitude. In fact, I think she’s one of the sweetest brides we’ve seen on this show. I like you Anna, but I’m worried about your safety.
And holy crap it’s bachelor/bachelorette party time!!! My favorite time next to the nuptials!! It’s all about having a good time Bo informs us and we cut to someone hooking a truck cab shell to a four wheeler. It’s swung around for a few minutes and then flips over and paralyzes some guy in an orange t-shirt. I think it’s the same guy who they gave the faulty trick gun to earlier. They really must hate him. Also? Why does being a redneck = trying to kill someone in the name of fun? You can have fun without death or paralysis. I promise!! Then there’s this shed in the back that needs knocked down so they run some sort of car through it a few times. At least one of them’s wearing a helmet so I feel a little better about it, but really, as a mother and a non-idiot, I must protest.
Back at Anna’s the party’s getting so wild that the “cops” have been called if you get what I’m sayin’. Momma Spears swills her beer and yells, “We’re not payin’ you to keep your clothes on! Take ’em ah-offf!” She is missing the majority of her teef. That’s all I’m sayin’. Except that she has two on the bottom – what’s that term used in bowling? Grandma’s teeth? 7 – 10 split? Also? She reaches over and touches Officer Krumpke’s ass when he’s grinding into her neighbor’s face. After using their teeth to take money off a thonged man of the law, Anna and the girls decide to go skinny dipping and are nearly caught. Oh, these wacky redneck girls!
The next day Bo takes the fellas fishin’. With guns. You can imagine. While this is happening, we settle in with Momma Bear and Anna at the sewing machine. They are in the midst of a discussion concerning birth control. Apparently there are things you can use – some homemade remedies- if you’re without a box of condoms, according to Momma Bear. Then she asks for a Ziploc baggie and a banana so she can demonstrate. I just might have to die, and kids, there are so many things about this episode that you should not try at home or just ever. The Ziploc condom is just the tip of the ice burg.
Back with Bo we’re in the midst of a pig slaughter. What is with all you rednecks and killing pigs for weddings?! I get the lure of a good barbeque, I just don’t understand the THA-RILL of the blood sport. I also don’t appreciate the gratuitous shot of the pig all spread out and skinned. Dah! It’s a busy day for all though. While a handsome pig is sacrificed to the nuptial gods signs pointing the way to the wedding are made and posted, Anna huffs some spray paint fumes, and pews made from discarded tires and boards are built. The day is full and it plum tuckers Anna and Bo out. We fade to black with them snuggling in bed and then Anna asking for a Ziplock. Oh, the genteel humor….
The next day we get to see Bo practicing his vows. They go a little sumpin’ like this: “As the Lord and friends are my witness, I promise to be good to you and your gabby friends, not make you do too much housework, and come back every several days even when I’m out muddin’.” I shake my head because I think he can do better. Where was the Hot Pocket reference? Vows simply aren’t vows without a Hot Pocket reference. Oh well, humor’s always good and at least he’s being honest when he basically tells her it’s muddin’, then food, then her. I love that his friend calls him a dumb ass prior to reading these vows though.
While Bo’s getting all teary-eyed over his vows Anna is getting pissed because she’s doing all the lifting on her wedding day, and I have to say that I totally have her back. The only heavy work a bride should have to do on her wedding day and prior to her wedding night is get her ass from the hair dressers to the church or outdoor venue. Period. We’re treated to a montage of wedding preparations which includes shoving a beer can up a dead chicken’s cootchie (drunk chicken), more slaughtered pig, a man blowing snot out of his nose and to the ground, and tables being covered with red plastic table “cloths.” Bo meanwhile is washing is pit bull in the bath tub.
Finally Bo (dressed in ohmygod jeans, dress shirt, black suit jacket, cowboy hat and boutonniere) loads his boyz (all dressed the same as Bo) into the back of his huge white monster truck that has the huge monster tires one of which fell off about ten minutes into the show. There’s a small glitch in that it won’t start, but a little muscle power gets them on their way and they roar to the wedding venue where Bo walks his rott weiler/pitt bull/ mean lookin’ but recently bathed dawg down the aisle.
Back at the trailer Anna (looking lovely) gets into a red monster truck and her ladies in red (hehehe – although, despite the material choice – a bit too shiney for my tastes – these dresses are way better than most of the other bridesmaids dresses or, uh, cut offs I’ve seen on this show) are loaded into the back of the red truck – where like the groomsmen they perch on the side while Poppa Bear drives them to the astro-turf covered aisle. Guys, that is sooo dangerous. Seriously. This entire episode is a lesson on how to kill yourself and others. Oh, they’re also flyin’ a rebel flag.
The music (Amazing Grace instrumental) starts and even though it’s a redneck wedding, I get a little goose pimply because that song? Is one kick. ass. song. Anna looks very pretty and even Bo looks kind of Clint Black handsome. They also both look scared to death as the minister marries them, but Momma Bear is smiling up a storm. Also smiling? Toofless Momma Spears. Finally they are pronounced man and wife (and brother and sister) and some kind of aggressive kiss ensues. I’ve also waited this long to inform you that my college fiance? His parents shared the same last name prior to being married. Yeah, noodle that. Anyway, Anna and Bo drive off, rebel flag a wavin’ and Anna informs us that she’s got to go tinkle.
Reception Time!!!!! In the mud pit. Yeah, it’s what you’re thinking. Dirrty, dirrty fun! Not much to report – the usual food (beer, green beans, corn, dead pig), the usual activies (mud wrasslin’, 4 wheelin’, being pulled behind a pick up in a boat shaped sandbox), and a man with a KILLER mullet!! The party ends all too soon, but don’t fret because that only means it’s gift exchange time. Anna gives Bo a scrapbook. He seems unimpressed at first, but then Anna says, “The further you go back, the tighter your pants might get.” Because I am pure of mind and heart I at first thought she was talking about style of clothing. It wasn’t until Bo jumped and said, “Oh! Naked pictures,” that I realized how naive I really am. Bo gives Anna a funny car or something. It’s for muddin’. It’s not up and runnin’ yet, but it will be soon! And that’s it. Anna and Bo everyone! Brother/sister/husband/wife.
Welcome back My Big Redneck Wedding! Welcome. Back.