Episode 2. I’m still in love. I have got to get Jack some Tom Arnold glasses.
Meet Phil and Jeanne. Phil is a welder who likes to be nekkid and toofless. Jeanne needs a bleach intervention and has daddy issues. She’s also a former city girl. And while the show never really specifies what city, I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s not Uptown Manhattan or Chicago’s Miracle Mile or Hotlanta proper.
We are shown a pretty, flat field, a few sheep, an anxious looking steer (we’ll get to that later), an 18 wheeler, some farms and their lands, and your standard mid-mid -to low income houses and are welcomed to New Midway, Maryland. Not too far from our nation’s capitol. We’re double timed down the roads to la casa de Phil and Jeanne. It’s a nice house – very similar to the one I spent my formative years in – minus the bleached steer skull hung over the doorway. My parents had no decorative sense of adventure. A bleached steer skull and horns would have been awesome.
Phil is weedeating. In his thong. Insert montage of dogs looking shocked and people driving by again just to make sure they saw what they thought they saw. Yep people. You really saw nekkid Phil’s shiny white hiney. I know. I wish you hadn’t too. In the most dulcet of tones Jeanne hollers out the window, “Phil! What you doin’?!” Toofless, nekkid Phil tells her he’s workin’ on his tan for the wedding. Jeanne pronounces him “sumthin’ else!” and the world and I agree. Phil has saggy man ass. He wants to know if his endeavors to tan his hide has worked and pirouettes and shakes what the good lord gave him. Jeanne and I both look like we’ve smelled poo and then Jeanne tells him to keep workin’ on it. I can’t help but think the neighbors might wish differently.
Why do I Love Thee?
Jeanne and her peroxided hair and brown eyebrows interview that she and Phil met on the Internet in a BBW chat room. BBW stands for Big Beautiful Woman. She looks at us all and dares us to comment. Cut to some tape of Phil helping Jeanne onto the back of a tractor. She reminds him that she’s going to be in a dress and he says something skeevy about having “easier access” and I throw up a little bit in my mouth and desperately wish for a shower. Back at the interview Jeanne tells us they were both married when they met on line, but not to each other. Apparently Phil showed up at her door and she was taken aback, wondering what exactly she’d let into her house. I skeevy, toofless, nudey is what you let in your house, Jeanne. I ain’t gonna lie atcha. “I guess she thought I was a mass murderer comin’ in,” Phil explains. Jeanne chimes in with the thing between them being “an instant chemistry attraction. Maybe not looks so much-” “I wasn’t the stud of your dreams?!” A taken aback Phil and his scruffy beard demands. And just when I thought nothing could top Phil in his thong Jeanne says, “They say every little girl wants to find her daddy. Well, I found him. ‘Cause my daddy didn’t have any teeth either.” I’ll hold your hair back while you vomit. Jeanne reminds him that he did promise to wear them for the wedding.
12 Days and Counting:
We’re on tractors, people! Red tractors, and I can’t remember what kind of tractor a red tractor is. I used to know these things back when I was going to marry a farm boy and live on his parents’ property (i.e. probably their basement), but that knowledge thankfully fails me. It’s not a John Deere and it’s red. That’s good enough for me. Anyway, Phil looks like he’s ready for business and Jeanne and either Phil’s mother or ex-wife are on another tractor and Jeanne looks afraid. They are going to pull down a barn, and to be honest, I’m a little afeard for them myself. This one time? On this property my parents once owned when I was in high school? We had a red tractor that was older than God, and my dad, who is not a farmer by any stretch of the imagination and therefore had no bidnessowning a tractor, had me driving it to help him clear some brush. Long story short, I got into a fight with the brush and nearly flipped the tractor back on me. Had it not been for one lucky, desperate slamming of my foot on the right whatever? This recap would not exist. So yeah, I don’t trust tractors. Anyway, Jeanne looks frightened, Phil looks intense and the barn looks like it’s about to be torn down. Run away barn!! Run for your life!! They succeed in killing the barn without killing themselves and then head off to meet their friend Charlie who will preside over the wedding.
At the Woodsboro Tavern they meet up with Charlie who used to play bass for ZZ Top. Oh, there’s nothing like a ZZ Top joke. And that was nothing like a ZZ Top joke. Ba dum dum. I like Charlie. I might want Charlie to be my great uncle. Heck, Charlie probably is my great uncle. He reads over the vows and teases the happy couple a little bit and then we find out that this wedding is tractor themed. Everything is red and white and Phil has to stay sober until noon.
My favorite part of the show arrives and much to my disappointment Phil and Jeanne are having their bachelor and bachelorette party together. While much safer than last week’s driving through a building party, it’s also much less exciting. If the party doesn’t require a crash helmet, it’s not worth attending. A flush faced Jeanne burps in a smoking redneck’s face and apologizes for it. Like a lady does. Then we’re totally treated to a game of strip poker. Being a woman of substance myself, I celebrate a positive body image. However, coming in on a table full of middle-aged obese people playing nekkid poker? Not the whirligig of fun you’d think it’d be. I consider blinding myself when Phil loses the hand and slowly strips off his boxers (no thong?!) and then decides to streak.
Back from commercials Jeanne is in the middle of picking out Phil’s wedding present. Jeanne hobbles over to the pin, picks out a pretty red headed longhorn and instructs handsome farmer guy to cut off that longhorn’s head and have its skull and horns bleached and ready for her to present to Phil on their wedding day. And all I got Jack was a stupid watch. I know Phil will appreciate it, but damn. It just seems like an unnecessarily cruel gift, you know? Also, is she buying the beef of the steer she had slaughtered for decorative purposes?
Back at the casa de toofless, nekkid guy Phil and the boyz are building a 40′ x 60′ dance floor where I think the barn once stood. Jeanne told him that if wasn’t finished there’d be a funeral instead of a wedding. Phil looks like he believes she was serious, and I think she was. I think Jeanne is someone to fear. I dunno – something about her eyebrows. This dance floor however, is pretty darn sweet and actually one of the best things I’ve seen on this show, especially when they put the white tent over it. Yeah, it’s plywood, but it’s cool and apart from not finishing the floor with a tile or laminant, it’s decidedly unredneck.
While Phil is sweating over the dance floor, Jeanne and her gurlz go to the “salon” to have their mani/pedis. A Korean woman works on Jeanne’s um… previously unattended? feet and says that they “look like shit right now” but that she’ll make them pretty. Normally, when I see people getting a pedicure I totally covet and obsess about wanting one for days, but not now. I went to a “salon” like this when my brother got married. I got my nails painted an edgy purple that was almost black – very cool. I also got this terrific toenail fungus that took me two years to clear up. I no longer go to “salons.” Anyway, Jeanne asks these sassy Korean ladies if they have any marriage advice for her and they tell her to change her diet. At first I thought it was a fat reference, you know? And I think Jeanne did too because she comes back with the not racist at all question, “To what? Noodles?” No! No noodles. Hot dogs. In daytime you eat hot dogs. At nighttime you eat banana and drink milk. Lots of protein. What are these women talking about?
18 Hours and Counting:
Sexy porn music plays and candles are lit bringing us into… the hot tub with Phil and Jeanne. Phil’s wearing a cowboy hat and Jeanne’s wearing a smirk that says she’s going to take the hot dog advice to heart. Production saves me from attempting suicide by adding fart bubble noises as Phil settles down into the water. Phil and Jeanne snuggle and talk about their upcoming nuptials. It’s been 8 years coming, Phil informs us and then nearly makes Jeanne cry when he compares having her in his life to the time he won his first tractor pull. Then Phil shows us his vulnerable insides and tells her that he’s not going to sleep tonight without her by his side. Jeanne assures him that aside from tonight she’s going to be with him for the rest of their lives. I could make a joke about how that frightens Phil into tears, but it’s really a sweet moment between the two of them – even if they are naked and toothless. Phil cries as he tries to tell her how much she means to him and they hug.
The Big Day:
The big day is here and the folding chairs are set up. Phil instructs them to keep the aisle way open just in case he decides to bug out. Tractors are lines up, hair is cut, Phil freeballs it, puts in his teeth, and actually looks very nice all cleaned up. If you don’t think about the fact that he’s not wearing underwear. Meanwhile Jeanne is getting her hair done. Her hairdresser asks what she thinks Phil is doing, and Jeanne says he’s probably peeing somewhere. Cut to Phil peeing behind one of the tractors. Class!! “He did have a few drinks,” the stylist says, and we cut to a drunk Phil holding a bottle of whisky and proclaiming loudly to some frightened children, “Don’t I loook guuud?!” Which, yeah, but really? In front of the kids? At least he’s dressed.
Ladies of size? We need to have a chat. Not about size, because I know the struggles of being obese, but rather about sizing. Buy clothes that fit. Especially your wedding dress. There are fewer things more demoralizing than to have someone tell you to “suck it in” on your wedding day. While I understand that you may really really really like the sleeveless look, and your inner you might look fabulous in a dress that showcases your arms, chest, shoulders, and back, the reality of it is the you you currently are might look better in something better designed to your body type. Something that covers or dare I say it, camouflages your upper arms, ginormous breastages, and back fat is always an excellent choice. I’m not saying it to be mean. I’m saying it because I’ve been there and I’ve seen the pictures and I’ve felt that crushing blow to my spirit when I realized that I didn’t look nearly as good as I thought I did. That said, Jeanne gets into her wedding dress (again, similar to Renee Sloane Baio’s dress), and Pastor Charlie looking ZZ Top meets Guy Goth meets God walks onto the property and mounts a tractor. “You ready?” he asks and then pulls a pistol out of his jacket and shoots it into the air. Because I’m a sucker for physical comedy I think it would have been awesome if a bird had fallen out of the sky. One doesn’t, but the wedding procession begins. “Let’s do this thing,” an excited and happy Phil says, while a classy bridesmaid bellows, “We’re going!” to the rest of the chatting bridal party who are lined up in the garage. Cue montage of tractors and bridesmaids and the wedding starts.
Phil is so excited he can hardly stand it, and his teeth gleam beautifully in the afternoon sun as he watches his bride and her father (although, I’m not sure if he’s her father or not because while he appears to have teeth, they may or may not be the ones he was born with) walk down the aisle (which is some red rose like carpet). The vows are short and sweet, and Phil is so elated that I almost forgive him for stripping naked at his bachelor party. He escorts his new wife over to the reception tent and joy ensues until the dj in a sleeveless t-shirt and worn baseball hat announces that the potato salad is tainted. Again! Step away from the potato salad! The camera cuts hilariously to people removing potato salad from their mouths with their forks, and then again to lots of people visiting the port-o-lets. Jeanne looks like she’s going to have to kill someone.
Now it’s toast time and a pretty woman wishes her youngest daughter Jeanne all the happiness in the world, and it’s wonderful, but I can’t appreciate it because youngest daughter? Man! I thought she was Jeanne’s sister! For reals. Either she’s held up really well, or Jeanne’s wild ways have taken a toll. I also think Jeanne may favor her dad. Anyway, dancing ensues, Phil uses his teeth to remove Jeanne’s garter, cake is cut and shmeared and then YES!!! TRACTOR PULL!!!!
Production makes me giggle again as they play the theme to Monday Night Football while the tractors are being chained together. Jeanne’s on one and Phil’s on the other. They -um- pull and Jeanne wins, and there’s not much more to say about that except that mud would have made it much red-neckier, and I think that’s why I’m not as excited about this episode. No mud. Phil and Jeanne get on the winning tractor (I think) and ride off into the sunset where they’ll exchange gifts after these commercial messages.
Eat Subway, get rid of your dandruff with Selson Blue, shop Target and love Tim McGraw, clean your bathroom with Clorox, eat Hamburger Helper, and go to Auto Zone.
The Gift Exchange:
Phil’s done a lot of thinking about what to get Jeanne for her gift. A sexy girl like her deserves something to make her tractor really freakin’ hawt! His words. He tells her to rip into the box before her and she does and there are all sorts of “size” jokes as she pulls out some large, phallic, metal thing that goes on her tractor. Phil is proud of himself. Jeanne accepts it graciously and then asks what we’re all askin’, “What the hell is it?” It is a big, shiny chrome pipe that replaces her muffler. Nice gift, Phil! Exactly what you’ve always wanted!! Now it’s Jeanne’s turn. Phil uncovers the bleached steer head and is really touched and excited about it especially since she had the MIA POW emblem and his farm’s name put on it. A lot of their guests wipe tears from their eyes and some things about Phil start to click for me. Jeanne says that they can put it above their barn and Phil tears up, and then he takes his teeth out and kisses her. He kisses her good.