Glenda and I are in a frenzy of joy. Three of our favorite things all in one place: Sharon Osbourne, the sluts from Rock of Love, and Charm School! Dude! In the immortal words of Rachel Zoe: “I die.”
L.A. traffic, classical music (la la ti di daaaaah… dundun… dundun), whores on a bus, and La Sharon’s dulcet, cultured, upper class britishvoice tells where we’re going on this wild ride as we get shots (heh… shots) of the 14 contestants. “These 14 girls need a lot of help… because millions of people around the world watched their disgraceful behavior.” Cue shots of Dallas flipping us off (Dallas, as we’ll be reminded many, many, many times was the black girl who let Skanky Lacey push her buttons – ewww!!! Not like that!!! – and as a result was NOT Bret’s Rock of Love, or Lust, or even Like), Brandi M picking her nose (I don’t remember her, but I like her already), Heather adjusting her boobs in her slutty stripper outfit (we alllll remember Heather, right? She lost to Daisy De La Hoya who lost to Ambre the Hombre?), Rodeo (remember The Laugh and how she wrote songs and was INTENSE and Bret was like, I’ll be your friend, but I won’t go near dat!), that French Tranny Wreck who jest lahked zee streeeping and zee sex, Destiney (whose sweet daddy died of cancer last season and who I thought was better than this), Megan (who seriously would EAT Hugh Hef’s ex-gal pal Holly Madison for a snack [and not like that eewww! God!!], and likes to stir the shit), that bipolar Kristy chick, Inga Tuna (who is all sorts of awesome), and then some black girl who isn’t Dallas but thinks she might be Storm from the X-Men. “In spite of what they might think,” Sharon tells us as we flash to Brandi C with pink hair like zee freench streeper who likes zee sex (Angelique), and OHMIGOSh! Courtney who got too drunk to attend the first elimination (hee!) ceremony. “These girls desperately need to change their ways. They need a place where they can learn the life skills to turn them from cheap, old, tart, groupies into women. of importance….” And that’s why they’re headed to Charm School.
“It’s Charm School! Get ready baby, ’cause Rodeo’s back in the house! Wooooooooooooh!!!” Rodeo interviews. You know that song Redneck Girl by that Gretchen chick? Yeah. Rodeo.
Next is Courtney who is allergic to penicillin. That might be a problem. We get treated to a montage of Courtney drinking too much last season and Big John trying to wake her up (also, shout out to Big John who is from the Cincy area!). She wants to learn to conduct herself better in public and to know when that last drink isn’t a good idea. Aim high, Court.
The bus pulls up to the Halfway House for Whores and Sharon tells us that the girls are going to learn about teamwork, style, business savvy, etiquette, and how to find love via personality instead of boobs. Sharon then tells us that she was born into the rock world. It’s true. She was. Her dad’s like this big time something or other who managed Ozzy until Sharon took Ozzy away. She then married Ozzy, almost got strangled to death, got the lap band, lost 100 pounds, had kids, adopted a zoo, managed some more bands, had a reality show, and I don’t care. I just love her and want her to be the aunt I visit on holiday because she’ll let me do anything I want, buy me anything I want, and talk with me late at night over hot cocoa about what a bitch my mom has always been and how never to go down on a guy unless he goes down on you first. Sharon then interviews that dealing with these 14 bizarre sluts is going to be one of the toughest challenges of her life.
The bus doors open and slutty Heather emerges and stands next to snarky, dumb Megan who is a reality show veteran. Megan hates Heather, but then again, Megan hates everyone and uses everyone and totally doesn’t care if you find out that she hates and uses you. She also has a purse dog. The rest of the girls file out and oh! Hey! It’s Jessica! Hi Jessica! I was totally pulling for you last season. You seem sweet. Then a limo pulls up and the music screeches to a halt and dumb ass, skanky, sperm sucking Lacey emerges. Cue montage of Lacey being an evil bitch. I hate Lacey. I know I’m supposed to, and I know I’m playing into production’s hands, but I do. I kind of almost want her to get hit by a cosmic bus. Like, if she were in Final Destiny 17, I would watch it over and over again just to see her meet her gory end. Dumb Brandi C interviews that Lacey is her friend and isn’t evil and that she hopes people will see that. Brandi C will fall under the category of characters too stupid to live. She is the one who would investigate the noise in the basement in her panties and bra. Anyway, Lacey joins the girls, talks some trash and Drunk Courtney says, “Her hair looks like my period.”
The doors to Halfway House for Whores opens and La Sharon exits. The girls all cheer. “Sharon Osbourne, yeah baby!” Rodeo interviews and then she laughs that laugh that we’ll all grow to hate. Lacey loves Sharon Osbourne because she thinks they’re cut from the same mold. Not Even, Lacey. Not. Even. Sharon interviews that these women look bizarre and really need to be at Charm School. And yes, and yes. Then she tells them that they’re all hot messes that acted like “bitches in heat.” Ultimately, only one of them will be graduating C.S. and that lucky whore will get a check for $100,000. They all clap and Destiney headterviews that she’d use it to take care of her widowed mom. Brandi M would pay off her student loans. Angelique was preeety eexcited about it, but to be ‘onest, she could probably make dat in a couple of monthz streeping. Sharon hopes that they’ll utilize the skills they use here to become women of importance in rock and roll or wherever. Then she sends them inside to check out their new digs and new roomies.
Heather is rooming with Brandi C and Megan and damn. That’s pretty harsh. Her IQ just went down. Again. But she’s going to make the best of it. Brandi is in there too, and she’s allergic to Megan’s dog and Megan mocks her in her interview.
Dallas and Lacey are roomies. There will be blood. Almost immediately Lacey starts pushing Dallas’s buttons of rage. Dallas tells her not to talk to her. Heather thinks Lacey’s a lost cause. Brandi C introduces Lacey to Megan and Megan instantly realizes the value of this.
Down in the courtyard the “ladies” are smoking and drinking. Like ladies do. Courtney headterviews that she’s in it to win it this time and will not sabotage herself with her drinking.
Inside Rodeo finds Storm sitting by herself and asks if she’s okay. Storm says that she doesn’t fit in there, that she’s an anomaly, and then she has a mini-freakout over the concerned hand Rodeo had placed on her knee (not like that! Gah!!). Oh, and Storm’s name is Raven. Anyway, Rodeo headterviewsthat Raven has a bad attitude and thinks she’s better than everyone else. On their way down the stairs Raven tells Rodeo that she’s not like everyone else. She actually has talent. She’s actually smart. And she’s not being boastful of brashful, she’s just being observant and she’s meant for something bigger and better than this. To her credit Rodeo doesn’t punch her in the head.
Back outside, Dallas is eating an apple and Lacey is sitting at a nearby table thinking of ways to piss Dallas off. Lacey tickles Dallas’s ass (montage Dallas and Lacey fighting) and in return Dallas pours her Red Bill over Lacey’s period hair. Lacey splashes Dallas with her beer and then Dallas throws and apple at Lacey’s head. Wisely the rest of the girls clear out. Hmmm, might the ladies have been in the presence of physical altercations prior?
Commercial break – get your boyfriend to feed you Subway, buy you Metabolife, steal you a Blackberry, and make a porn to help you come up with that rent money. Oh, and then? You might need a First Response, and to celebrate the negative result take you to Pizza Hut.
Back in the Courtyard we’re reliving the Dallas/Lacey attack. Lacey headterviews that provoking Dallas into losing her temper was what she wanted – except for being hit in the head with an apple. Angelique headterviews that it’s all retahhrded and zis beech just wanst some camura time – and THANK YOU production for your awesome subtitles. “Dallas threw an apple in Lacey’s ear,” Brandi C tells us. “If that would have hit her in her brain, she could have died.”
Raven and Dallas bond a little bit and something about JP Morgan and Raven getting screwed over by a black chick and Dallas is totally caring only about her yogurt and thinks she’s going home after taking Lacey’s bait. Megan and Jessica decide to “make friends” with them and mosey on over. I like Jessica, but her skirt is too damn tight, and that’s saying a lot given that she’s probably into the negative sizes. It’s giving her a little anorexic muffin top is what I’m saying. Raven isn’t having it. They have nothing in common. Intellectually, Raven tells Jessica, there’s nothing baking up there. Jessica can’t believe it and tells her that she works for NASA. Raven and Dallas and I are shocked and we all want to know in what capacity. Brandi C stumbles over and says that Jessica is like a mathematician. Raven tells Brandi C. to get away from her and then Raven runs away from them
Out in the courtyard my girl Brandi M. is tending bar for the masses. Like ladies do. Brandi M. headterviews that Courtney is a sweetie with an alcohol problem – an alcohol problem she fully intends to exploit. That’s my girl. So while she’s fixing the other girls vodka and Red Bull, she’s fixing herself water and Red Bull. Oh, I like her. Angelique warns Courtney against a repeat of last season. Then Lacey storms out and asks Raven if she was talking trash about Jessica. Raven says yes, and Lacey does Lacey stuff and interviews that she’s using Raven as an example of how not to treat her girlzand then says she’s building her empire. Jessica says that having Lacey on her sideis like having a pit bull on her side and that she’s going to roll with it for awhile.
Back in the action Raven is being psychotic and Lacey is in her face mocking her and then she totally reaches over and pulls at what both she and I thought was Raven’s really bad wig. Turns out it’s her real hair. Lacey is immediately “contrite” and repeats over and over that she thought it was a wig all the while laughing her ass off and in doing so has earned Megan’s seal of approval. In the midst of all this Courtney just falls over backward drunk as hell. Everyone laughs, and no one but Raven helps Courtney back into her seat. Then we cut Courtney stumbling across the lawn and then Courtney passed out on a huge planter that Rodeo’s trying to keep upright, and then it’s time to get ready to be admitted into Charm School and the “ladies” file in and they all bypass Courtney except for Raven who stops to help her inside. Maybe Raven isn’t all psycho. Maybe.
The girls all go in to the grand hall to meet Sharon where they’re introduced to their deans who will be reporting back to Sharon at all times. First up is Ricki Rackman from the RoL reunion shows. Montage of Heather attacking Daisy de la Hoya at the reunion and Ricki pulling her off. Awesome. Next is Daniella Clarke – one of the most well-rounded women in rock ‘n roll: entrepreneur, wife of some rock guitarist I probably should know, and creator and founder of Frankie B. Jeans. She looks kind of together and zen – or chill as the young people like to say.
Sharon calls the girls down one by one to show them some of their worst moments on RoL – not to demean them, but for ratings to fill time so that they can see themselves as the world saw them. First up is Angelique, and Brandi C. wonders if Angelique lurked her MySpace because they both look alike except Angelique’s ugly. Brandi C., Angelique shits bigger than you. Angelique’s worst moments are getting nekkid and bad pole dancing. She says she’s a very sexual person and Sharon tells her that she can be sexy without taking her clothes off. Angelique shreds her dvd of shame and is accepted into C.S..
Next is Courtney who is still drunk. Ricki brings her a bucket. Courtney bursts into acohol infused tears and Sharon sends her upstairs to sober up. Brandi M. smiles. Next is Brandi M.
I like Brandi M. because she looks like Jack’s bff’s wife. I’m shallow. They put in Brandi M’s dvd and we’re treated to burps and farts. “I need to be more professional,” Brandi M. allows. Sharon calls her a drunken pirate. Brandi C. says that Brandi M. gives all the Brandi’s a bad name and that is so not okay with her. Shut it, Brandi C. We hate you. Sharon says she can’t make Brandi M. out, but I think she likes her.
Next is Kristy Jo. We’re only treated to the infamous “I’m still legally married/restraining order” dinner with Bret. Also, her dvd cover is a picture of her crying. Awesome.
Jessica is a lousy drunk and sometimes has bad hair. Shredded.
Destiney is gullible, but she wants to move on. Shredded.
Megan and her dog come up. Megan admits to being a bad girl. Brandi M. just wants Megan to die. Daniella asks her what her goals are. Suffice it to say, it’s not working. She wants to be a trophy wife. Shredded.
Brandi C. – nothing much there. At all. Shredded.
Rodeo – montage of her laughing, being intense, being insane, crying ugly. She cries again and tells Sharon that Sharon is such a wonderful person. Sharon says, “I know” and then gives her her C.S. brooch thing and wishes her luck. Shredded.
Raven wants to become a new age talk show host. Sharon doesn’t know what to say to her. She calls her as mad as a box of frogs. Shredded.
Next up is Ina Tuna. She’s doing naughty I’m fucking the floor splits for Bret, stripping for the elderly. She says it’s terrible and she’s embarrassed, and she’s in my top 4. Shredded.
Heather is up. Heather pole dancing, getting a tatto, beating up Daisy. Sharon is impressed, but Heather is embarrassed and starts crying. She wants to learn how to have social and business etiquette. I want these things for her, too, and I think she’s really got the potential to so something. I think she gets in her own way by choosing what she knows rather than what is best in the long run. Sharon is rooting for her and tells her not to fuck up. As Heather returns to the group Megan looks horrified to see her crying. Heh.
Is Dallas ready for Charm School? She is beyond ready. Cue montage of Dallas and Lacey and Lacey looking evil and delighted every time she sees Dallas sinking to her level. Sharon senses anger issues, and Dallas admits to fighting with Lacey and then she gets tearful as she says she came for an education and not for drama. Lacey mocks her in an interview.
Lacey is next and a big bus comes out of nowhere and my pain ends. Oh… wait… that’s my secret inner life. Lacey brings the apple with her as proof of her being a douche I guess. Lacey says she has passion and isn’t afraid to speak her mind. Lacey’s dvd of shame proves that she’s the waste of sperm and egg and I hate her. Dvd shredded.
And it’s still not over. They all head outside to a mixer where Sharon kanoodles with the girls. Lacey realizes she’s on thin ice with Sharon and the Deans and does damage control. Ricki and Daniella are talking to Dallas and Raven. Dallas is from Hollywood and Raven is from Long Beach. She hates L.A. and she wants to go home. She reiterates that she doesn’t belong here. Sharon’s moved onto Brandi M. who is jaded and Sharon wants to teach her to love and respect herself a little bit more. Upstairs Courtney is passed out in her bed. Sharon’s worried about her. I smell a stint in rehaaaaab. And vomit.
Back in the courtyard Sharon tells them all to shut up and then tells them that one of them will be eliminated that night. Lacey wants Dallas to leave. I want Lacey to get a flesh eating parasite. They’re sent upstairs to change into their sexy schoolgirl uniforms which Brandi M. awesome says she knows she’s going to look hawt in. Dallas is glad Courtney is wasted because it totally saved her ass.
After commercials Courtney pulls her shit together and makes it down to elimination. She looks cute for a bloated alcoholic school girl. She denies her drinking problem over a(nother) montage of her being drunk.
The girls file into the grand hall and Sharon and the Deans are sitting there. Ricki interrupts Sharon and calls Raven out on Raven wanting out. Sharon grants her wish and kicks her out. The other “ladies” are relieved, but it’s fracking Sharon Osbourne, it’s not going to end there. If she said someone’s being expelled, someone’s being expelled! Lacey, Dallas, and Courtney are called down. Daniella thinks Lacey is a very strong woman who is lacking in people skills. She thinks Dallas’s throwing something at someone is unacceptable. Courtney is all kinds of fucked up with the drinking and the issues behind the drinking.
Sharon approaches the girls, says she doesn’t want to do this, but for ratings, she has to. She calls Courtney forward and says Charm School isn’t the place for her. Courtney melts down and begs for another chance, and it’s sad because damn, this girl is a mess and in need of an intervention (possibly her next reality gig??). Sharon gives her tough love and sends her to rehab. Good on you, Sharon. Courtney leaves in tears and Sharon turns to Lacey and Dallas and calls them gremlins. She says they’re on notice, but that they’re safe for the time being.
Lacey talking heads us out with “… I am officially a part of Charm School. I’ve got my pin and I’m ready to run this school.”