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Rock of Love Charm School – Episode three

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Thou Shalt Rock it With Styleis the theme of this week’s ho-fest. We are treated to fresh from sleep Lackey (aaargh!) talking with Megan and the rest of her vagina posse about how it wasn’t right that Angelique was expelled the night before. I agree wholeheartedly because it should have been one of them. Megan and Lacey are still interesting, so I would have tossed Brandi C. out on her pogo-stick iud.  However, I do agree with Sharon that Angelique had absolutely no interest in improving herself. Sheez all about zee sex and zee streeping and she makes no apologeez for eet. I can respect that. At least she had a heart which is more than I can say about these three mean crazy girls. Megan and Lacey are gunning for my girl Brandi M.

A note from Headmistress Sharon tells the ladies to dress to the nines and meet her in the great hall in an hour. Montage of stripper outfits, sad little Chihuahua’s in ski gear, Brandi M. calling Lilly the hua sad (and it really is the cutest sad puppy dressed in snow gear that I’ve ever seen. Especially with that little pink tongue hanging out. I want it to be made into a poster.) and Jessica looking stunned. She accurately interviews that maybe they got a different note because most of them either look like they’re ready to turn tricks on Hollywood Blvd.  (Heather, Brandi C.) or to go to the county fair (Rodeo). 

Daniella introduces the week’s theme (Thou Shalt Rock it with Style) and introduces them to top stylist Melissa Meister who is absolutely gorgeous and professional looking. She’s also looking a little stunned at some of the ensembles these women have come up with. Melissa tells them that their personal style is the first way they tell someone who they are on the inside and calls Brandi C. up. Brandi C. interviews that her most favorite outfit (ever) is a leopard print lingerie type skirt and bra.  I think Bret bought it for her last season – either that or she stole it from Daisy’s luggage the night Bret sent her packing. She loves it and feels like a tiger in it and is all grrrr. It’s trashy y’all. She’s worn it out and Brandi M. speaks what we’re all thinkingwhen she says, “Who the fuck where’s that out?!” Melissa explains that lingerie is not an “outfit” you either wear it under clothing or in the bedroom. There’s no need to take it to the Wal*mart for a toilet paper run.

Next she calls up Rodeo who is wearing a black short unitard thing that is waaayto tight, most especially for her boobs, which are basically on display.  She wants the girls to write down their first impression and I cringe inside for Rodeo because to mean girls like Megan and Lacey and myself, this is a gift straight from the Gods. “Country Bumpkin,” Lacey says and Megan calls her a “Crocodile Hunter,” and while I’m glad that’s as bad as it got for Rodeo, really girls? That’s the best you could come up with?  I don’t think Melissa has that much of an issue withRodeo’s outfit, but more with the way her boobs are falling out of it. She suggests Rodeo zip it up a little more and Rodeo tells her that she can’t because the zipper’s broken and then she breaks into her laugh.

Melissa then tries to explain the difference between Sunset Chic and Sunset Stripper and most of the girls just don’t get it. Then she calls Heather up. Now, I like Heather’s hair straightened and I like her whole early 80’s Bonnie Tyler vibe. Her dress is… just… well… it’s W(*)(*)w. It’s red and tight and short and shiny and has this neck that drapes down to her belly button, and practically has flashing neon arrows directed at her fake boobs.  Heather tells Melissa that this dress tells men that she’s “sexy.” Inna agrees that the dress is sexy. Megan says, “like has-been. Skanky.” There it is, there’s what I was expecting. “Ultimately Heather is an old stripper,” Megan interviews. “She can either look old, or she can look like a stripper, but she can never look any better.” And ouch!

Megan is called up for critiquing.  Megan is wearing a silver, 2 piece bikini, heels, and a pendant. She looks great for a day on South Beach, but it’s a swimsuit, NOT an outfit. She tells Melissa that her “outfit” sends out the message that she is sporty. Daniella gets involved and says it’s a bikini and seriously, where does she wear it besides the beach? Megan tells her that she wears it shopping or when she goes to a nice lunch.  And it’s Megan, so she’s probably fucking with her, but I can kind of see how maybe yeah, she would wear it to Chez Don’s. Brandi M. nails it again when she interviews that “that shit shouldn’t be near open food.” Daniella mom’s that of course men are going to notice and like it and “tap it,” but then you become a toy and once they’re done playing with you, they’re going to put you away. True dat, Daniella. True dat.  Cut to adorable shot of miserable Lily hua in her tennis shoes and snow hat.

Now it’s time for the assignment. They must pick three girls who most need a make-over. Jessica doesn’t think she can narrow it down. I’m with ya girlfrien! Megan and Brandi C. both vote for themselves because they think it means a day at the salon. The votes are tallied and it winds up being Brandi C, Megan, and Heather who make-over bound. Of the three Heather looks the most insulted, but really, I hope she plays her cards right and actually learns from this. The chosen girls then choose their teammates schoolyard style. Heather chooses Destiney, Dallas, and Jessica. Not bad choices at all all things considered.  Megan naturally chooses Lacey, and then surprise move, Rodeo, and then passes Inna onto Brandi C. who is less than thrilled to have “a Russian man, a trailer park trainwreck (Brandi M.), and someone who doesn’t even speak (Kristy Jo)” on her team. Just deserts, baby. Just deserts.

They have to put together a look for a job interview at a rock and roll magazine, an outfit for a rock and roll cocktail party, and something to meetyour rock and roll boyfriend’s parents for the first time in, and are given $300 and an hour time limit at a used clothing store called “It’s a Wrap.”  Brandi C. says her team sucks, but withher beauty they just might win. I hate her more and more and hope her hair dye seeps more deeply into her brains. Cue montage of women shopping and trying on clothes. Brandi M. is stunned to learn that when Brandi C. is away from Lacey that she’s normal and likeable. I don’t know why you’re stunned. It’s been my experience that most toadies are normal when away from their dom. Lacey is shocked that Megan is a picky pain in the ass and again, I’m not sure how that’s a surprise. Has she never met the girl? There’s not much drama to report on Heather’s team.

Brandi. C’s team comes in just over budget and returns a necklace to make it work. Heather’s team is $30 under budget and psyched. Megan’s team hasn’t even decided what they’re going to buy, much less pick out accessories. That of course means they have to cheat. So Megan pulls Rodeo’s bracelet off her wrist and puts in in their bag – then she notices that Brandi M. was watching so she takes it back out of the bag and gives it back to Rodeo, “no harm no foul” which is precisely the reason I hate Megan and people like Megan. They honestly believe the rules don’t apply to them and the truth is, they’re so very rarely caught or called on their bullshit that it’s true, the rules DON’T apply to them. EVEN THOUGH THEY SHOULD. Bitches like that get away with things that I would never consider doing and they are totally oblivious and unsympathetic to the pain they cause other people.

Back at the house Brandi M. is talking to Rodeo about the incident. I feel sorry for Rodeo. She seems like a big-hearted, honest enough, decent human, who just can’t quite reach that brass ring, you know?  I had a friend in high school who very much reminds me of Rodeo. Kind, a little rough around the edges, just couldn’t catch a break. Anyway, Rodeo is upset about it and decides to confront her teammates. That is just not a wise move. If they were two normal girls, then maybe, yeah, tell them you didn’t appreciate their attempt to cheat. But these bitches are not sane and unless you’re holding the weapon to their throats they are going to taunt you and tease you until you cry and lose your shit – which is exactly what they do to poor Rodeo with sadistic little gleams in their small, too close together, glassy eyes. 

The day of the fashion show arrives and the ladies all bring their clothes downstairs where Sharon, Riki, and Daniella are waiting. Team Heather is confident, and I’m feelinggood for them. I want them to win. Sharon tells them that everything looks great and organized, but when you’re on the road shit happens. Jessica and I agree that this can’t be good. The next thing you know, the Deans are throwingall the outfits to the floor and cutting at them with scissors and weed whackers and pouring all kinds of stuff on them. We’re all horrified. Sharon tells them that so many times she’s been backstage and been jostled and had wine spilled on her or whatever, but that she’s always managed to pull her shit together and look fabulous. Yeah, that’s great and all, but I doubt anyone’s ever taken a weed wacker to her. Aside from Ozzy. Anyway, she points out a recovery table and tells the girls they have an hour to get their stuff back together. Kristy Jo tells Inna (Team Brandi C.) that she needs to get to work revamping her notes for the fashion show seeingas what once was is no longer. Inna grabs a glass of champagne and plops herself down on a lounge chair and totally doesn’t do anything except get tipsy.

FINALLY it’s time for the fashion show. Destiney (Team Heather) is feelingconfident. They’re ready to rock it… with style! Sharon introduces the guest judge Ringo Starr… oh…. wait. It’s Jeffrey Sebelia from Project Runway’s season 3. Oh yeah. I remember being vaguely disappointed when he won. I kind of remembering thinking, “what a tool.” Anyway, he toolishly wishes the girls good luck. Sharon reminds them it’s about teamwork, group effort, and being appropriate at all times even down to their emcee (focus on tipsy Inna), and tells them Team Heather is up first. 

As an excited and nearly professional Destiney tells us about Heather’s look, Heather walks the runway and looks pretty and sophsticated in her black skirt/blazer ensemble. She really does look good with the understated (for her) make up, hair, and outfit. Sexy, but without that hint of “old stripper” she usually carries around.

Next on the runway in her interview outfit is Megan.  Rodeo in her going to the fair ensemble woodenly stumbles over her words as she reads her cards while Megan does her bit on the catwalk. I hate to admit it, but Megan’s look is fabu. It’s your basic black  pinstripe dress pants, but they’ve paired it with a white tank top, and then wrapped some scarf thing around her. It’s hip, office friendly, and yet it doesn’t hide that she’s still *sigh* sexy.  It pains me to admit that I like her interview at a rock and roll magazine outfit better than I do Heather’s. Dammit!!

Finally Team Brandi takes the stage. For whatever reason, Inna is still the emcee and I’m a little worried for a few reasons. She’s not at all dressed for the part. At least Rodeo and Destiney dressed up a little. Another strike against her in my opinion is that she’s obviously ill-prepared. Very few people can wing presentations successfully. Inna included. Brandi’s outfit is a tight black straight skirt paired witha tight black blouse. She has some scarf thing knotted like a big, sloppy tie and some pretty cool shoes. It kind of feels a little bit like a stripper’s outfit, but it could be the way she’s working the runway. Much like a stripper would.

We’re on to our second look with Heather. Once again Destiney’s presentation is flawless as she presents Heather in her elite rock and roll cocktail outfit.  I love it. I love her frilly, conservative sleeveless blouse. I love the leather pants, and the peep-toe shoes. I love her hair straight and down. Granted, I’ve never been to an elite rock and roll cocktail party, but I think it’s terrific.

Soon it’s Megan’s turn and I hate her outfit and I hate Rodeo’s delivery. Megan also hates her outfit (a silver/grey mini with several chocolate sauce stains), but according to her she’s “trying” to make the best of it.  Jeffrey points out the stains and Sharon asks Megan if she chose the dress, and Rodeo for whatever reason says that she loved it. Megan denies it and Rodeo reiterates that she did indeed choose the dress. I’m still not sure why this is important, but conflict is drama and drama equals ratings, so… whatever. Next up is Brandi C.

Again Brandi C is in all black, this time with pants that… oh no… have music notes bedazzled on them.  Oh no.  And, again, Inna is blowing the emcee-ing. Brandi correctly interviews that she can’t possibly rock the outfit with Inna sucking so badly.

It’s not time for Destiney to introduce Team Heather’s final look – meetthe parents.  Again, I like the outfit. It’s a brown straight skirt and a frilly, conservative blouse that would work well if we were meeting Mr. and Mrs. Michaelsin church or at brunch on the golf course. I might have gone a tad more casual, but it’s still a great outfit. Daniella wants to know if Heather would really wear it and Heather says she’s definitely likingthe conservative thing. The deans and Sgt. Pepper look skeptical.

Rodeo says something about Megan transforming herself from “what she used to be” and Megan comes to the stage in a lace cocktail dress. It’s pretty and sweet looking, but it’s on Megan and since I don’t like Megan and I don’t associate the word sweet with her I automatically think of it as a costume. Like it’s something someone like Megan or Lacey would deliberately pick out in an attempt to fool Bret’s mother into believing she truly did enjoy spending time at Shady Crest with her granny. For whatever reason Megan tells the judges that this is the dress she picked out and because Rodeo can’t stand lies and obviously doesn’t realize that she’s in danger of being thrown into the wood chipper, she basically calls Megan a liar. Which she is. Still, not in the middle of your presentation, Rodeo.  Daniella picks up on the lack of teamwork and Sharon says it’s something to discuss after the fashion show and it reminds me of the time back in high school when our french teacher took the French 4 students to this fancy french restaurant down town. My friend Jen and I thought we had time to hit a store before we had to be at the restaurant. Turns out we didn’t. Also turns out that we parked a lot farther away from the restaurant than we realized. We showed up nearly 1/2 an hour late to a 5 star restaurant. Because we were raised right. Madame handled it very well, much like Sharon Osbourne in this instance. She told us she was glad that we were safe and to take our seats and enjoy our meal. Which we did. The next day she nearly decapitated us with her wrath. Much like Sharon Osbourne.

Inna makes a fool of herself at the microphone as Brandi C. struts her stuff in dark denim jeans and a demure dove gray shirt thing. It’s cute and casual, but Inna’s lack of preparation totally steals its thunder and Daniella calls her on it. Inna interviews that suddenly she’s not feeling so happy and tells Daniella that her notes were from before Riki destroyed their outfits with cigarettes and chocolate sauce, but she doesn’t do it very convincingly and I’m worried for her.

The fashion show ends. Team Heather is called up to the stage for their interviews. They look pleased with themselves and agree that they worked well as a team. Team Megan is called up. Sharon wants to know what. the hell. is going on. Rodeo tells on the cheaters. Lacey sees this for the opportunity that it is and starts baiting her. Rodeo starts crying and chaos ensues.  Lacey tells the judges that Rodeo framed them to get in trouble. Sharon rolls her eyes and Jeffrey is amazed that they’re as stupid as they are. Sharon assures them they’ll take all this into consideratio and then calls Team Brandi C. up to the stage.

Brandi, Brandi, Kristy, and Inna hold hands and smile on stage. They had great teamwork. Brandi C. interviews that she hates Brandi M., but she’s willing to put that aside for the win. That’s a good strategy. Keep your enemies closer Brandi C.

I’m stunned when Sharon says that Team Megan had the best looks. I totally don’t agree. Did she see that nasty, hooker cocktail dress? Does she not realize that the third look was a total costume? Granted, they were miles above Brandi C’s looks, but in my opinion Team Heather blew everyone’s asses out of the water. Except maybe for that last look.  I’m not stunned when Sharon informs them that their disasterous teamwork has knocked them out of the competition. Megan is pissed at Rodeo and blames her for not being able to keep her mouth shut. I can see her sociopathic point, but I’m thinking they might have won if maybe she hadn’t violated Rodeo’s code of conduct i.e. attempting to cheat.

Next up is Team Brandi and Sharon totally calls Inna out on showing up in flipflops and with dirty hair as well as coming unprepared. Brandi C. now hates Inna even more. Inna has the grace to look embarrassed.

Sharon compliments Destiney’spreparation and says that Team Heather and Team Brandi were neck and neck, but ultimately Inna screwed the pooch and cost her team the title. Win, Team Heather. I think they totally deserved the win! Go Team Heather. They’re safe and Team Megan is on the chopping block.

Later that night Rodeo is in Sharon’s office getting emotional and trying to explain how she was wronged by her teammates.  I completely feel for her. She wants so badly to be vindicated. Sharon says she’s a lovely woman with a big heart but dyamn, does she let her emotions get the better of her. Sharon sends a sobbing Rodeo away and asks to see Megan.

Sharon asks Megan if she tried to cheat yesterday and Megan lies that she didn’t. Sharon smiles and dismisses her. I’d be afraid if I were Megan. Also, she is aware that their every moment is videoed, right?

Elimination time! Lacey interviews that she’s not too concerned because mostly it’s Megan and Rodeo causing the drama. Megan’s a little nervous and so is Rodeo. Sharon tells them that most of them should be very proud of themselves and I like their pleased smiles. Except for yours, Lacey. Stop it. You should be ashamed. Riki interrupts Sharon to tell us that he thought Brandi C looked HAWT today and that she should learn from the day’s fashion lessons. Sharon then invites Inna down to the carpet. Inna’s not surprised because she totally blew it. Next Sharon calls Team Megan down to stand with Inna. Lacey is frightened.

Daniella was disappointed in Inna. Rikki calls Rodeo out on the drama she caused by disagreeingwith Megan during the fashion show. Daniella isn’t sure if this is for Rodeo. Daniella thinks that Megan looked great, but was a total bitch to her teammates what with the attempted cheating and all. Rikki calls Lacey out for inserting herself into the middle of the drama and basically being the shit-stirrer that she is. Lacey starts to defend herself and Sharon quiets her. Daniella tells her she’s a good stylist, but has a big mouth. Dallas is about to do backflips of joy. Sharon calls her Evil Lacey and then tells her she’s about ready to send her packing, only she says it in such a way that even Lacey is almost subdued. Don’t fuck with Sharon. Heather is loving it. “But I have not finished with you,” Sharon says and there are hilarious reaction cuts to Kristy Jo and Dallas. It’s a total, “Why won’t you die?!” moment on their part.  Sharon’s advice to Lacey is to shut her fucking mouth and go stand with the safe girls.

Sharon then sets her sites on Megan telling her that she’s a conniving, back-stabbing little bitch. Sharon. Is. So. Fucking. AWESOME!!! She tells Megan she’s totally out of her league when it comes to dealing with La Sharon. Heather is about to orgasm right on the spot.  Sharon says she might have changed her clothes today, but the Megan inside was still a bitch. A real fucking bitch. Huh. Maybe she did see through the costume. Megan is afraid, but since she’s good for ratings, she’s safe. *sigh*

Sharon tells Inna she let everyone down and then tells Rodeo that she absolutely blew it by letting her emotions rule her. Then she sends Rodeo home, but she’s not worried about Rodeo finding her way in the world.  Rodeo is devastated because she stood up for herself and was made out to look like a fool.

Lacey says something about people not fucking with her a la Rodeo because basically she will get her revenge and shut up you psycho bitch. I can’t wait until Sharon eats you.

Inna was “bloody lucky” and she takes a moment to apologize to her team for letting them down. Sharon tells her to take pride in herself and Inna vows to work harder. I totally believe her.

Next week: Daisy’s ex Charles makes an appearance, and I’m afraid for Brandi M. and Destiney!!!

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About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

One response »

  1. You are talking about Tora right – wonder if we will see her tomorrow night.

    Reply

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