Meet Sabrena and Blair. Blair works in the septic business, and he and Sabrena are going to host a Wild West wedding. Complete with guns. This should be fun, if not deadly. Cue the steel g-tars!!
Welcome to Amish Country Columbus, Pennsylvania! Jack’s aunt lives near there and I watched the screen closely for her to show up. She did not, but if she had I would have been soooo excited! Hi, Aunt Linda!!! Can’t wait until Grandma’s birthday when you and Uncle R come to town!! Anyway, after a few obligatory shots of those who shun technology and are abused by ice cream wielding ass hats, we are driven into some sort of truck lot where Blair in his sandals are blowing the horn of his newest addition to his truck collection: an awesome red fire truck!! Unfortunately he keeps sounding the sirens at those who drive by and I’m sure at least one of them must’ve wet his or her pants. I’m not even sure that’s legal, but it sure does look like fun! “There’s Blair,” Sabrena tells us. “Messin’ with the traffic. Everybody goin’ by. He likes to scare ‘em.” It should be noted that Sabrena has great hair – thick and chestnut brown and long. Unfortunately, she’s wearing camouflage. *sigh*
We find out that Blair owns and operates a vac truck service. His life is shit, but thanks for asking. I like them. They seem to have a real good sense of humor, and that is so important in this world. They met in the woods, hunting. It’s sweet how Blair remembers exactly where Sabrena stood, exactly what she was wearing, and exactly what kind of gun she was holding. I can hear the romantic music swell as he describes how he came upon her. His camo goddess. Blair tells us he was married once before when he was 19, and just the way he says it tells me that he realizes it was a young mistake. Hey, it happens. That’s why typically I worry when anyone younger than 24 or 25 gets married. There’s a lot of world out there, even if it’s still just your little corner of Bug Tussle, you know? Take some time to explore it. Anyway, Sabrena self-effacingly tells us that she marries everyone she dates and then she gives us the best laugh! She’s just kidding and this will be marriage number four for her. And her last one she promises us all. Let’s hope so Sabrena. Blair seems like a real nice guy. Plus, as he says, “there’s guns involved.”
When they first got together they came up with this crazy idea of an old Wild West wedding. I’ve definitely seen worse ideas (Star Wars fans? Star Trek fans? Lord of the Rings/Anarchronistic Society members? I’m lookin’ at you.) so when they got engaged they took one of those old west pictures that you can get at your local amusement park and put an ad/invite in the paper. Blair secures his place in my heart as he shrugs, “Whoever wants to show up to it can, and whoever doesn’t, there’s gotta be a reason.” Sabrena laughs again and it’s cute.
We’re in their home discussing the wedding and Sabrena says they need a party favor. She suggests a coupon, and Blair one ups her with the idea of a “poopon” to his business. Heh! Beats the hell out of all those crystal-like candle holder center pieces I’ve either stolen or been sent home with. They decide they’ll need a slogan and Blair is prepared!! “Your shit is our bread and butter.” Heh. It’s funny, but he and Sabrena decide that maybe the word shit shouldn’t be used in the wedding stuff. Blair tries again. (“We’re number one in a number two business”) and finally they agree on the rather tame, “We’re proud to carry your load.” Poop jokes are awesome. Especially in advertising.
Sabrena and her girlz meet at the seamstress for a fitting. We’re told by someone with rally cute short brown hair that I might have to copy that Sabrena drew up the plans for their wedding outfits and ARRGGH!!!! I paused the show to type and just looked up and saw what appears to be the girl from The Ring on the corner of the screen. Feckin’ creepy, man!!! Mannequins in general freak my shit out, but ones with long dark hair? DAAAH!!! Anyway, we’re treated to a glimpse of the drawings Sabrena made which are very Wild West/ Bonanza hooker with a big heart and even bigger feather in her hair and I totally get where she’s going with it. She exits the dressing room in a red Wild West gown that Miss Kitty herself would covet. It’s definitely Wild West. It’s definitely red. And it’s definitely designed to show off her assests per Blair’s request.
Blair is at a store called The Stagecoach West. He tells the sales lady that he and his boyz are lookin’ to get all “cowboyed up” like Tim McGraw. He tries on a bunch of hats until he finds THE ONE and I have flashbacks of my college boyfriend trying on identical pairs of snakeskin(esque) cowboy boots until he found THE PAIR. Anyway he knows it when he finds it, and so does one of his boyz. “Awww, yeah!” Blair says. “There she is,” his boy agrees. “That’s the ticket, boy!” Meanwhile, the saleslady has fallen in love with Blair. I can tell by her smile and I’m pretty sure if Sabrena saw it she’d totally kick her ass. Now it’s time for the rest of the ensemble (pronounced on’samb). Blair wants to look like a sophisticated outlaw and he thinks he’s found it. All it needs is a huge belt buckle and a gun. One of his boyz suggest they get the posse together and head out and that all they need now is more whisky and fresh horses. Normally I’d make fun of that, but 1) his accent is too close to mine and 2) the way he says it tells me that he totally gets it.
The next shot puts us at what I think is the County Fair because there are shots of people in cut offs and tank tops milling around, a truck pull, people goin’ muddin’ in a school bus, and then a jeep racing over a hill. Then I remember what show I’m watching and I realize that this must be the wedding day. But then I realize that I’m wrong and it is kind of a county fair and that Blair and Sabrena are going there for a specific reason: to see The General Lee (oh I wish I wa-as in the land o’ cotton!) in person. Before I go on I have to tell you that my little brother Shipwreck was a HUGE fan of The Dukes of Hazard. My mother bought him five DOH t-shirts when he was little because he wouldn’t wear anything else. If you saw him in a mini-kid tux, you could safely bet that under that cute little powder blue dress shirt was a silk-screen of either Bo, Luke, or The General Lee. My mother also had a student who drove a General Lee replica so whenever he needed extra-credit he’d let my brother blow the horn (Oh I wish I wa-as in the land o’ cotton). What I’m sayin’ is that Blair looks to be my brother’s age and I get the General Lee love and I think it’s cute that Blair is so excited. What they want, Blair and Sabrena tell the man in a dirty orange t-shirt and General Lee baseball hat, is to drive The General Lee as their going away car. The orange shirt guy agrees to it and then throws in Roscoe P. Coltrain’s car to chase them off. Blair nearly has a heart attack and I make a mental note to call my brother and tell him that his stretch limo was NOTHING compared to what Sabrena and Blair are doing.
Okay, here’s the thing. The reason I like Sabrena and Blair so much and am not finding much “fault” with their wedding is because I believe very much that a wedding and the reception should celebrate the two people being married. It should pull in aspects of their personalities and special interests. Personally, Jack and I took a more subtle approach, and yes, the Wild West theme is over the top and not a choice I would make, but they don’t seem to be doing it just to be “redneck” as some other couples have. They’re having fun, not thinking “what can we do to shock people?!” Jack and I met on our school bus and very seriously considered having our old bus driver and our old bus be the “get away” car for our bridal party and us. We thought it would have been a neat way to bring things full circle. Unfortunately it didn’t work out since our old bus driver was retired and no longer had access to the busses, not to mention the whole inconvenience of our bridal party not being able to get home after the reception, but we think it would have been neat, so I’m definitely grooving with this General Lee decision!
Moving on and OMG we’re only 7 minutes into this episode. We’re on some lake in a party barge with Blair and Sabrena and Sabrena’s parents. The four of them look like they get along pretty well. Blair and Sabrena tell them about securing The General Lee and then ask her dad if he’ll chase them in the cop car. Sabrena’s dad smiles and agrees. Then Blair calls him “dad” and says that seein’ as he’s the father of the bride, he’s got to pay for this wedding. Sabrena and her mom laugh, but I’m pretty sure that considering it’s her 4th they might opt out of investing. I know my parents would.
It’s a new day and Blair tells us that he and his buddy are off to pick up a miniature jackass called Doc Holiday. Please, insert your own Vern Troyer being a jackass joke here. The mini-jack’s owner wants to know their plans with the mini-jack and my bespectacled boyfriend Tom Arnold pops up with what has to be his best line of the episode – and he’s had several: “Rule number 1: Never ask a guy buying a miniature jackass what he’s going to do with him. Some things should never be said out loud.” This is one of those things. Blair and Sabrena (and I hesitate to include Sabrena here) plan to feed Doc Holiday a laxative and play lawn bingo with the results. The current owner is not surprised. A few minutes later we find out that Blair does a killer imitation of a jackass “hee haw.”
Next up is the picking out of the wedding cake. The cake lady says she saw their announcement/invitation in the paper so she knows that they’re going with a western theme. Sabrena has come prepared with a miniature black cowboy hat and says that all she needs are some miniature boots. Blair sincerely offers up the cowboy boots he wore as a toddler. Sabrena and I think it’s sweet and all –and I can’t speak for Sabrena, but think it’s doubly adorable that he’s kept his first pair, but we both nix putting worn cowboy boots on something people are going to eat. I’m proud of us both for drawing a line that so often needs to be drawn, but isn’t. Blair then suggests that maybe the cake should look like the ass end of a jackass, and Sabrena very quickly tells him no, they have to keep things classy. She knows that to stay on my good side one must never mess with the sanctity of the wedding cake.
After picking out their cake Blair takes his buddy Lonnie or Bonnie or Donnie to the used gun store to find a wedding present for Sabrena. “Nothing says I love you like a Glock,” the gun store owner agrees and Tom pops up to assure us that he said “glock” and not cock. Eventually the gun store owner shows him a pearl-handled Derringer (one of those cute, tiny ones that Wild West prostitutes kept in their garters) and Blair falls in love.
It’s the wedding day and we’re rushing to get things ready. Cakes (traditional), jackass (miniature), tropical bird, Nascar sign, folding chairs, big tent – all of them put where they need to be. Women getting beautified, men getting dressed… outdoors?… guns being loaded, whiskey being drunk from a bottle, an American flag, and groomsmen loaded onto the back of Blair’s fire truck, all of that leads us to the ceremony proper where some guy in a wife beater has what looks to be blue beer cans attached to his head. I hope that’s not the preacher. The congregation cheers and whistles are the groom and his men roar up in humongo trucks held about 20 feet off the ground with their humongo tires. Okay, since I feel it is my moral obligation to pick on something and we’re not to Jackass shite bingo yet, what is the deal with the monster trucks? Blair, you know I like you, but they did not have monster trucks in the Wild West. In the words of my gay fantasy uncle Tim Gunn, that worries me.
Fast forward people cheering, the bridesmaids (all in Wild West wear) being escorted down the aisle, and then the wedding emcee announces the “prettiest girl around,” and we cut to a smiling Sabrena in red complete with the black feather she’d included in her original sketch and her father. Their officiate (a woman) tells us to object now or shut up forever (my words, not hers) and much to the delight of their guests Blair pulls out his gun and threatens them like a true man of the west would. I don’t approve of gun play, but I can see how those who are more comfortable around guns might. No one protests and Blair recites his vows to Sabrena, telling her that the garden they’re in is all about them and that he’s the red maple and she’s the pine tree, and it’s sweet and a little confusing, but technically, the pine tree doesn’t need any other tree to be happy because it has both male pine cones and female pinecones when it’s time to reproduce he just drops his stuff on her and voila! Pinecones. I think. Anyway, he very sincerely ends it with her being the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid his eyes on and assures her and us that he’s more than happy to be her man. Sabrena skips the analogies and metaphors but tells him he’s awesome and assures him and us that she loves him very much. They are pronounced man and wife and kisses and gunshots ensue.
Cue The General Lee and a “high speed” chase by Roscoe P. Coltrain! It’s awesome and Blair looks tha-rilled!! Good on you, Blair! Good on you!! They both chase us to the reception where we’re treated to shots of food, an older lady who lifts her red party dress to show us her Wild West bloomers. Tom and I are stunned. A shootout is announced, and then it’s donkey patty bingo. Unfortunately, the miniature jackass isn’t pooping. A suddenly shirtless, but vest wearing Blair (also? I think maybe a little drunk, too) is assuring the anxious crowd that he fed the jackass a laxative and he looks about ready to “git r done.” Tom and I both hope it was a mild laxative. But if it wasn’t, then everyone will win. The crowd goes wild as the laxative kicks in. It appears that beer can head man won. After the donkey bingo Blair and Sabrena pass out their poopons which entitle the bearer to $20 off a septic pump. See? Way more practical than a crystal-like candle holder. I like how they think.
It’s toss the garter/flower time and I don’t know why, but I’m shocked to see that one of their guests is wearing a bandana tank top. And what a lucky, small bandana tank top it is because she totally caught the bouquet. Blair cuts the cake (with his awesome chainsaw impression), they feed it to each other without too much mess (minus the chainsaw impression), and then it’s time for Blair to address the crowd. It’s been the best day of his life, and now he’s ready to take Sabrena and The General Lee to the top of the hill, and he’s going to see if he can’t get her pregnant. I’m pretty sure he means Sabrena, but if you saw how in awe of most little boys of the late 70’s were of The General Lee, you’d be confused, too. Sabrena laughs and the crowd cheers.
It’s dark now, and Blair looks pleased, so I don’t know if he completed his mission or not, but there are fireworks (literal, not metaphoric) and he and Sabrena walk hand and hand through the crowd waving goodbye. The sign on the back of The General Lee reads “Got R Done,” and they’re off to open presents. And suddenly it’s daylight again. Blair makes another speech about how much they do together (fish, scuba dive, throw mud, hike, hunt – they do a lot, y’all) and now he’s got her something she’s going to be able to hold for the rest of her life. Then he stands up, reaches inside his pants and says, “Look what I got right here.” I kind of don’t want to, but Sabrena seems interested. Instead of his cock, he pulls out his glock (ba dumdum). Sabrena likes it, but says he’s gonna like her present better and that it’s under her skirt. Oh you two crazy kids with your sexual innuendos. From under her skirt she pulls this large blue case and damn! If she could carry that, there’s no limit to the number of babies he might have impregnated her with!! Large sets of multiples? This is the womb to have!! Blair knows right away that it’s a case for a Smith and Wesson. He’s nearly reverent when he opens the case. He sincerely tells her that it’s the best present he’s ever received in his entire life. Sabrena is delighted and laughing. He asks if there are any bullets. “In the house,” she tells him, and I’d worry, but these two never seem to be in a bad mood so I don’t think they’re in danger of having an actual shoot out over late video fees. Blair and his Smith and Wesson hurry off to become deadly.