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My Big Redneck Wedding – Lynne and Graeme

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Sorry about the lull. It’s been a busy few weeks here at chez Rosie. Amelia’s soccer season ended (third place! Didn’t have to spend forever in tournaments!!!) and right away her basketball season started with a tournament against select teams. We are not a select team, but we held our own. For a bunch of 4th graders, these girls are GUUUUD. Plus Jack’s E*bay is kicking into high gear so we’ve spent most of this week taking over 1000 pictures of items, editing the pictures, writing the auctions, and getting them posted by 8 p.m. last night. Busy. But not too busy for Tom Arnold. C’mere, Tom and give momma some sugah.

Meet Graema our redneck inventor groom. He likes to make toilet fountains and chase animals.  Lynnee’s a baker and it looks like she’s working on a camouflage cake. I hope it’s for a little boy’s John Deere birthday party and NOT for her wedding. Don’t mess with the sanctity of the cake, people.

Boyfriend Tom welcomes us to Lake Wales, Florida. The Crowned Jewel of the Ridge. Ahem. Jack’s other favorite aunt lives in Deltona and my uncle lives in Pensacola. I don’t know how close either of these cities are to each other or to Lake Wales, but I’m keeping an eye out for family! Anyway, we’re fastfowarded in to someone’s home set off what looks to be a gravel/country road, and it’s obvious from the signs that there is a garage sale in progress. Correction, it’s a “Previous Marriage Garage Sale” and that’s kind of awesome and totally something I would do in theory. I’d be all, you have 1 week to get your shit, after that, I’m selling it for a nickle. Unless I like it. If I like it I’m going to hide it and tell you it’s “lost.” Anyway, I like the way they think so far because what better way to make money for your new marriage than to sell crap from your old one?

Lynnee finds candy in the bottom of a granny bag/pretty flowered tote and right away I’m leary. My mammaw has had the same dish of candy sitting on her coffee table since I was five and I’m not even joking. If the elderly offer you some hard candy you should say no. No, thank you, if you’re so inclined. Graeme ignores my advice and tastes the candy to see if it’s still good. Apparently it still tastes like lemon, but Lynnee and I will have to take his word for it.

Graeme interviews that he’s “15 going on 32.” Lynnee is 38. They met online and then went to breakfast and then the beach and apparently have been together ever since.  We’re treated to a few shots of horseplay without actual horses. Lynnee squirts him with clean water from a garden hose and then he throws a bucket full of what doesn’t look so clean water on her in retaliation. It seems they’re in their bird coupe-thingy while they’re doing this and I have to stop recapping now. I hate birds. They scare me. Especially birds in cages and MOST ESPECIALLY birds that will carry the bird flu and bring about the end of man. AND HE’S THROWING BIRD FLU TAINTED WATER ON HER IN RETALIATION and I’m just not gonna be able to function today.

They’re having their wedding in their backyard and the theme is very laid back. I’m fine with laid back weddings. “We’ll camo it out or somethin’,” Graeme says. You know, with the old candy eating, chickens and the reference to camouflage I’m wondering if maybe Graeme might have it in for me. Next up Graeme is “surfing” or “skiing” behind a riding lawn mower and lands in a shallow pond. I simply do not understand why people (rednecks) do things like this.  They play with guns and drive dune buggies into the sides of buildings and willing allow themselves to be drug behind some pretty dangerous equipment in activities that most likely will render them motionless and fed from a tube. Why? Someone let me know ’cause it’s truly a mystery I’d like cleaned up before 2012. Lynnee walks out and says something I couldn’t quite make out about turning the blades to the lawnmower on and leaving him for dead (?) and then production loses points because they pause for a Tom pop-up, but the angle on Lynnee is not so flattering because it highlights her camel toe.

In the next scene Graeme is standing by his dogs and immediately I’m on guard.  My experience with this show is that nothing good happens when a man goes to his dogs. Especially when he’s holding a vat of butter. Boyfriend Tom looks worried, too.  Graeme tells us that they’re going to chase a greased pig at the wedding so he needs to practice. On his dog.

I’m not a big pet person – I don’t know breeds aside from your very basic beagle and obvious poodle. I do know when dogs look dangerous and capable of ripping your throat out because sometimes we’ll watch Animal Cops. The dog Graeme chose to butter up looks like one of those that would be able to rip your throat out. Not at that moment, because for whatever reason he trusts his master, but I wouldn’t want to get him riled by say… greasing him up and then chasing him around the yard. Which is exactly what Graeme does.  There are geese involved, and a swimming pool, and suffice it to say Graeme wins, but much like the lawn mowere surf/skiing, there is a bit of danger and potential scarring involved.

We’re only four minutes in and I’ve been scared by chickens and dogs and the threat of bones protruding through flesh. I’m tired and I just want this over.

In the next scene we’re treated to Graeme making a sweet tea fountain. In a perfect world, all the fountains would be sweet tea fountains. I love sweet tea. I don’t drink it anymore because of Project Fat Ass, but I used to. My mom makes great sweet tea because she’s a soft-spoken southern belle and whenever I think of sweet tea I think of hot summer days and working in our garden as a kid and just looking forward to that break when we could sit in the shade and drink syrup by the glassful. Also, I think of mai thais. Which are equally as awesome. Anyway, I’m impressed by people who can look at something and make it into something workable – like taking a motor, a drill, some tubing, and a 5 gallon bucket and turning it into a sweet tea fountain – so I’m impressed with Graeme at the moment. I like capable people. I myself am not a capable person when it comes to building things or rigging things or solving mechanical problems or unsticking zippers.

Now it’s time to get the flowers and Graeme and his buddy are driving along a local road. They make an illegal Uey and pull over and steal flowers out of someone’s yard. This has got to be staged. I hope it’s staged. Can you imagine? You’d be on the phone with your best friend and notice to guys making off with your astilbe and be all, “I gotta go! Someone’s digging my astilbe out of my flower bed!!”  Also? I don’t know plants either, so it may or may not be an astilbe. I just like saying it. Astilbe.  Pop up Tom says some amazing things about their crime being documented for the owners, cops, judge and jury.  Graeme breathlessly calls their felon (or is it a misdemeanor?) a “good score” and encourages his friend who’s driving the getaway 4×4 to hurry up and get out of there.

Graeme later decides to train some of your typical farm/redneck/country animals to walk in a straight line for the processional I guess. It’s pretty funny watching a man walk a chicken because the chicken’s all “WTH?!” and “Fuck Aff! Bagaw!!” and refuses to be tamed. Graeme and his boyz give up on the chicken, but I think the others are in. Then one of his men decides to cook the chicken for dinner and the chicken hears him and spears him with that ninja claw chickens have on the back of their feet or legs. Or maybe only roosters. I don’t know, but he got ‘im. He got ‘im good.

Meanwhile Lynne and some cute blonde girl who may be either her daughter or her younger bff are baking the wedding cake.  You know, I know that production picks and chooses a lot of questionable stuff, but I’m starting to doubt if Lynne really is a baker like Boyfriend Tom said she was.  She makes a vanilla sheet cake and then tops it with a chocolate bundt cake, and then she instructs her BFF possible daughter to camouflage it up real good and *sigh*.  Why must they always mess with the sanctity of the cake? BFF possible daughter finds one of Lynne’s hair in the icing which is proof that Lynne’s hair is NOT camouflage. Camouflage cakes with a stray hair in them make me sad, y’all.

Because true rednecks like their greased pigs the next scene is Graeme and his son or young BFF going to some sort of pig farm and choosing a pig to grease and chase… and possibly eat later.  We’re told that the best way to carry a pig is to lift it up under his belly. All I know is that you want to keep anything edible and covered with flesh away from a pig’s mouth because they will eat you dead.  Ga-aa-aah! Someone says to give the pig a bear hug and the pig squeals like a pig until she’s in her cage and then Graeme wins me over again when he shows us Lynne’s wedding present – a little black and white piglet. Cutest. Wedding. Present. Ever. Also most practical in a long, cold, hard winter.

Meanwhile Lynne and her BFF are hunting for wedding gifts themselves.  Graeme wants a pair of Tony Lama cowboy boots. I don’t know what those are, but I have to give Graeme props for knowing what he likes. Jack sends me off with instructions to buy “shoes that don’t look gay” or “shirts that don’t look gay” or “pants that – say it with me – don’t look gay” so he wears a lot of teamster wear so he doesn’t look gay. He also, until 80 days ago wore a lot of shoes that didn’t fit because I thought he was a 12 wide when in fact he’s a 13. ANYWAY – while at the boot store we talk about how the pair she’s buying is made of Ostrich skin and then BFF Probable Daughter says they should all be made of leather. The sales associate lady person informs her that leather is cows and it’s cut to make BFF Probably Daughter appear a little not bright because duh! First camel toe and now intentionally making someone look addled. Production is not making me happy, but Boyfriend Tom is when he pops up and says kindly, “That’s a lot of information to take in in one day.”

Halfway through and Lynne and Graeme are in bed talking about their impending wedding day (tomorrow). Lynne’s nervous that the sweet tea fountain is going to break and they’re going to be drinkless. I’m not worried about that at all, Lynne. I saw him build it and the man has mad electrical/duct taping skillz!! You’re good to go. Graeme assures her all will be well, and if not then it’s a good laugh. They say they love each other and then use The Clapper to turn off the lights. Boyfriend Tom and I are impressed. I’m going to skip the voice over on the next scene where Lynne asks Graeme if he thinks he’s really going to catch that greased pig tomorrow and where he answers that he’s gonna get some practice tonight and then Lynne goes, “oink, oink, oink, oink” because it takes me to a disturbing place visually and spiritually and I don’t want you to have to go there too.

The wedding day has arrived and we fade in to Lynne calling her mom on her rebel flag cell phone. Mom wants to know if they’re nervous. I think Lynne is a little, but she doesn’t think Graeme will be until it’s time to say “I do.” Graeme on the other hand is outside with a buddy building a ramp that he and Lynne can flip their get away car. WHAT THE HELL? Remember how you paralyzed me right after the wedding, honey? That was soooo sweeeeet. I just don’t get it. Why would you roll your car on purpose?

For her part Lynne has Ashley (BFF and Probable Daughter) helping her put weeds in paint cans for the center pieces. Ashley pronounces the finished product “not pretty.” I kind of dig her, but I also kind of like the idea of wild flowers in a bucket for centerpieces.

While Lynne and Ashley contend with weeds Graeme and his boyz are setting up the seating in the backyard. The seats include folding chairs, toilets, and benches and buckets. And yes, the toilets have been hosed down. Then Graeme makes the most awesome fountain/bidet ever out of a bathroom appliance. He should have been at Sabrena and Blair’s wedding. It would have fit in well with their septic coupons. Around the fountain/bidet he replants the astilbe he and his son/young bff stole a few paragraphs up.  Redneck friends sit around and cackle and drink beer while Graeme does all the heavy lifting. Chicken breasts are marinated and grilled and my mouth waters.

We get a shot of Lynne and her dirty feet getting dressed in her bridal gown, and I think I really like her bridal gown – except for the camouflage ribbon.  It’s straight and simple (except for the camo ribbon).


What I don’t particularly care for are the shirts the groom and groomzmen are wearing. Graeme’s has camo everything but sleeves (which are white) and his men have variations on that theme. I think it’s clear how I feel about camouflage. The bridesmaids dresses are pretty but clingy and not what I’d choose for my fuller figured friends, but it looks like the ladies are willing to rock them and no one looks bad. I like the color and the fact that they’re a NOD to camo, but NOT camo. Well done, Lynne.

The procession starts with Lynne (in cowboy hat and sunglasses) and preacher man in a button down short sleeve shirt and old blue jeans. They’re followed by the groomsmen each carrying/walking an animal (a bunny and a few dogs). Then it’s the ladies’ turn and we are fast forwarded through them. Then everyone starts clapping and a lovely looking Lynne and I’m assuming her father and young daughter start down the aisle. Lynne really does look pretty, but I’m distracted when I notice that Graeme has a parakeet or some other exotic type bird creature on his shoulder. Boyfriend Tom takes the words out of my mouth with, “Seriously. The birds the best man?” The vows are recited with the bird chiming in and they are now legal and they both look very happy, and that little girl is adorable!

Okay, this part was cool and I’ve never seen anything like it before. You know how you’re always looking for ways to keep things cool at buffet? You should do it redneck style! Someone made a long buffet table out of wood and installed sinks in it. Ice is poured in the sink and the bowl is placed in the ice.  I want one. Cool.  Their reception is one kick ass backyard bar-b-cue – complete with swimming and a sweet tea fountain that didn’t work.  Really, it looks like a lot of fun!  I’m all for casual and fun. But what I’m NOT for is the cake fight the kids have with the camo wedding cake. Despite its appearance Lynne worked hard on that. But, if she’s fine with it, then I guess it’s okay. You know what else I’m NOT okay with? Chasing greased pigs. And flipping your getaway car. Both of which are done. I just can’t imagine why you’d even take that risk. Broken necks and bones aside, just being in a fender bender makes you sore. Can you imagine? Yes, your penis is very stiff. Know what else is stiff? My NECK. BECAUSE YOU ROLLED OUR CAR. ON PURPOSE.

It’s gift time and he likes his ostrich boots and she loves her baby pig and wants to name his porkchop. Lynne nixes it and they decide to name it Tom Arnold, but then change it to TJ. I’m totally naming my next pet Tom Arnold and we’re going to call him by his full name all the time.  Thanks for sharing your special day with us Lynne and Graeme!




About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

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