Shawna and Vince. I’ve always liked the name Vince. Not so much Vinnie or Vincent, but Vince is pretty hot. Except for now. Let’s get this party started. Shawna works in fast food and Vince – well, I’m not sure what he does, but it looks like he made an impromptu hot tube out of coals, a livestock watering pool, and a folding chair so he can’t be all bad.
Boyfriend Tom welcomes us to Sprague, Washington. Proof that rednecks aren’t just a southern phenomena. The hero of our story, the aforementioned Vince, is blocking the drive through of Shawna’s place of employment asking to speak to the complaint department. For a moment Shawna is thrown, but then starts being a smart ass right back to him. Eventually she pulls out that old drive-thru joke of wanting a number one or a number two, and Vince giggles as he and his trusty pick up drive away. I hope she at least slipped him a free Coke. When I worked in food service at our local amusement park I used to slip my boyfriend free Swiss on a Stick, and that’s not even a euphanism.
Moving on. Shawna and Vince met through his little brother. She wasn’t attracted to him or to his “Too hot 4 U” t-shirt at first, but now describes him as very supportive and loving. “Like a jockstrap,” Vincent self-effaces and Boyfriend Tom and I aren’t sure if that’s the best comparison, but it’s a little funny so we’ll take it. Shawna almost tears up when she tells us that Vince is her best friend, and it’s obvious that Vince is touched by the sentiment. Then, like most people uncomfortable with public displays of emotion they both make a joke out of it and go, “Awwwwwwwww.” We learn that Vincent loves Shawna’s loving, onery, cocky, playful attitude, and it’s sweet. “I know what you really love about me,” she purrs. He looks uncertain and embarrassed but asks, “Whuut?” anyway. “That I’m a dirty bitch,” she says and smacks his arm. Vince honest to God blushes and I LOVE it, and Shawna finishes up with, “I like to go out and play in the mud.” I will mention just because I couldn’t stop looking that throughout this interview Shawna is sitting criss-cross apple sauce and the focus is on her apple if you know what I’m sayin’ and I think you do. Hey, I’m all about the comfort but when I’m being filmed for television I generally like to keep my legs closed.
I am not surprised to find out that the theme of their wedding is mud and bring your own food and beer. I think they’re planning to tailgate and I think that is all kinds of awesome as long as they respect the sanctity of the wedding cake.
Shawna is at her lesbian best friend’s (LBFF) trailer later where we find out that the wedding was planned for last year but an unexpected pregnancy postponed it and now we’re not even sure if the dress still fits. She tries it on while her best friend cleans a pistol out on the front porch. The dress is a pretty, traditional wedding dress with puffy shoulders, beadwork and lace – something you’d definitely see 100 times over at David’s Bridal. Shawna was right to worry because the dress doesn’t fit. Hey, motherhood will do that to you. Even when you get back to your pre-pregnancy weight don’t expect your clothes to fit you like they used to. Growing a baby means that hips have to widen and usually? That’s pretty permanent. Anyway, LBFF abandons her gun and grabs the duct tape and 12 gauge wire, and voila! The dress is secure. She also uses her knife to cut the lace sleeves off the dress. And yeah, I did call her a lesbian and if after watching it yourself you don’t think I’m right then you can email me.
The next night or so Vince and Shawna go to the local karaoke bar to talk to their priest/karaoke singer with AWESOME Jesus hair. Seriously. This guy has the prettiest hair I’ve ever seen on a man and I pretty much and breaking that thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s hair commandment right now. Father Awesome asks them what kind of ceremony they want and Shawna’s all, “I don’t know. Whatever.” Dudes, officiates LOVE that. Like the time that Jack and I were planning our wedding and Father Harvey asked me what gospel we were going with and I was all, “I don’t care. Whatever. Pick your favorite,” and Father Awesome just stared at me until I realized that I should care and that I sucked as a bride and as a member of the church. Back to Father Awesome and his hair: we learn that his first wedding he officiated as Jesus. Wow. I hope he’s lying and from Shawna’s expression I’m pretty sure she does, too. Father Awesome tries to talk them through the plans and it really solidifies that these people have no plans. He laughs. “So basically the situation is we’ve got no caterer, you’re going to be given away by….” “Nobody,” Shawna fills in for him. And they still haven’t figured out the vows. He laughs and I like him because he might be a redneck, but he’s a redneck with a plan and a need for order. These people are totally fucking with him. “I do. I do. Let’s get drunk!” Shawna says. “You guys are killing me,” Father Awesome says.
In the next scene we’re treated to a redneck weenie roast. This time it involves a rake, a package of weenies, and a propane torch. Oh, and possible remnants of the doggie poo that she raked up a. Vince doesn’t seem bothered by it, but Boyfriend Tom and I are. We’re totally bothered by it. I’m even more bothered by it when they call the kids to dinner and 5 cute kids come racing over to eat. “We’re having corndogs,” the oldest boy says. “Sweet!” That’s not all your having, son. They must have starved these kids because I have never seen children outside a Sally Field commercial so happy for their doo-doo dogs. In order to get through this I’m choosing to believe that Shawna’s admission of raking poo was just her ornery personality poking through.
It’s vow writing time. Shawna wants to see what Vince is writing, but he covers his paper with his arm. She grabs it and shakes it, telling us and him that it’s not a test. Boyfriend Tom assures Vince that it is a test and he’d better get an A on it. Vince reads us his rough draft. It goes a little sumpin’ like this: “Hey woman, on this special day in question, as I watch my bachelorhood go down the drain.” And that’s as far as he’s gotten. I think he might want to try again. It’s Shawna’s turn and she starts off strong with: “Through the last four years we’ve been through a lot. Today you’ll finally make me an honest woman.” And then goes south. “You said you’d never get married and yet here you are standing here with me. So, who’s the (what? Bitch? I couldn’t decipher it.) now?” Boyfriend Tom suggests that maybe they skip this part. And then, like most ADDs, Shawna lost her focus and her vows turned into a grocery list.
It’s wedding gift shopping time aannnnddd she buys him a tool box. Nothing says forever love like a Craftsman. Meanwhile Vincent’s making the hot tub I told you about earlier. He says that since they can’t take a honeymoon that he wants to give her something nice to relax in. It’s sweet until he gets in it and hollers out for her to bring him a drink.
Back at LBFF’s trailer they’re making shotgun shell bouquets. Note to Emily and Eric – consider branching out! Is there nothing crafty her best friend can’t do? Boyfriend Tom says that normally chicks with guns would be kind of sexy but here it’s kind of scary. I hear you, boyfriend.
The wedding day dawns bright and early and it’s time to wake up. We’re treated to shots of cute kids waking up and one particularly adorable and muy edible baby playing in the bath tub. Over at the Trailer of Lesbos we’re treated to Shawna’s best friend presenting her with her bouquet of shotgun shells. I have to say that she did an excellent job making them look like those artificial flowers you buy at Hobby Lobby or Michaels.
It’s wedding time in the dust bowl. I know this because not only are people racing their wacky monster trucks and dirt bikes, they’re pulling couches out of the bed of their pick ups. A guest tells Father Awesome that it’s one crazy idea for a wedding and Father Awesome agrees and then tells us that they still haven’t decided on their vows. You can tell he’s totally bugged by this but that he’s trying to play it off.
LBFF announces that whoever wants to see the wedding should head for the hole. Boyfriend Tom and I explode with the possibilities but then decide that nothing more needs to be said.
Father Awesome suits up in his best Come on Eileen/Dexy’s Midnight Riders apparel, Vince changes his t-shirt, and Shawna slips into her gown and then plops herself down in the back of a dried mud encrusted pick up. And then holy crap! The 2nd best part of the entire episode happens when Father Awesome drives Vince to the ceremony in a monster Volkswagon. It. Is. Amazing. Down the hill comes a monster truck carrying our blushing bride who happens to be wearing sunglasses and a haphazard ponytail. Father Awesome does his dearly beloved thing and Vince reads his vows. “I know that you’re the one for me,” he says. “My soul mate, my best friend, and my love. It’s time to take our two families and make them one big family.” Nicely done, Vince. Way better than your first attempt. Not to be outdone, Shawna reads: “Contrary to popular belief, deep down in this emotionally detached heart of mine, I love you with all of my heart.” Production cuts to a shot of LBFF and some other woman doing that old lady, no teeth, frown, nodding thing. I personally think LBFF is heartbroken. “You are the water to my dirt that creates the mud in our lives.” Father Awesome nods. “Good deal.” He then pronounces them man and wife and sends us off to the byobandfood reception. Camouflage abounds. I give up. I’m not going to win the camo battle, am I?
LBFF gives the required funny best man/maid of honor toast: “Through the four years I’ve known Vince and Shawna, I have to say… they may make it… another 2.” Badumm dum. Bruce Dern goes short and Irish with the classic, “May your lives improve with every passing day,” and I’m totally stealing that because it is that good. Also, the way Bruce Dern has his hand around LBFF’s shoulder I’m wondering if maybe – nah. She totally is. People toast and then pass out on the lawn and then it’s cake cutting time and while it’s obviously a homemade cake it’s not CAMO! so they get a PASS on it J. But they lose points for the Matchbox cars cake topper. As they’re feeding the cake to each other LBFF comes running up and smashes cake into Vince’s mouth with barely concealed rage. After the garter toss (caught by a confused looking man wearing a Michael’s bag on his head) and the bouquet toss (caught by a cute pre-teen – Hey don’t rush things! She’ll be 16 and starting a family of her own soon enough!)
It’s time for the gift exchange. He loves his tool box and she loves his family heirloom shotgun. Thanks for sharing your special day with us!