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The Secret Life of the American Teenager – a recap

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Okay, so last year I made Jack watch the first show with me because… well… I like to hurt him, but that aside I thought it would be good for him to learn about The Secret Life of the American Teenager since we have girls who will one day be teenagers.  Well. Apparently teenagers are secretly having sex and then getting pregnant and their families and friends are all awful. Awful Christians, awful 13 year olds, awful best friends, awful parents, awful guidance counselors that would totally lose their jobs in the real world. Just… awful.

Annnnyway… I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  I also hated 7Th Heaven, and that’s not a non-sequiter, that’s totally related because Brenda Hampton developed 7th Heaven and she developed this. What kind of monster is she?

So… season one of this crap fest dealt with virginal Amy giving it up at band camp to Ricky only to find out that she’s pregnant some weeks/months later.  Ricky and Amy totally didn’t get together after that and in fact, avoided each other until Amy told her friends she was pregnant. A whole bunch of stuff happened, her friends were stupid, and Grandma Mimsy has alzheimers, and Molly Ringworm and Some bald guy who’s the dad are splitting up, and robot baby sister Ashley hasn’t learned to act yet. Then she meets Ben the *ahem* sausage prince and they fall in love and then he finds out that she’s pregnant and he doesn’t care and he’s all, “Marry me. I know we’re like 15 and you’re pregnant with Ricky’s baby and your parents want you to give it up for adoption, but I’m a motherless turd. Getting married will solve your problems! Plus, my best friends are asian!!”

I know, right?  Throw in a lame storyline about Grace the Christian and her son of a preacher man boyfriend who are trying to be pure, but one of them is failing miserably with Ricky’s new girlfriend Adrienne. AND add Josie Bisset, Jon Schneider, and boy with downs who can’t act. Why aren’t you watching this???

So this season? Well, I’ve missed all of it except this last episode.  Wait, I saw the part where Ben and Amy got married and all their teenage friends showed up because of some comedy of errors at the fake id kiosk set up somewhere in the high school, but I don’t think it took because … well, because I’m not stupid. BUT, from this past episode might have made me that way.

Have I mentioned that these people are awful, horrible, hateful people? Because they are.

To recap, Molly Ringwold’s emotionally abusive husband (and Amy and Ashley the emo robot’s father) had an affair with Adrienne’s (remember her? Ricky’s new girlfriend? The slut?) mother last season, and got kicked out of the family home – only to move back into the garage so he could continue to insult and undermine. He deserves to be hit by a bus again and again. Molly is busy interviewing for jobs to support herself  and Amy and Ashley since she’s in the process of divorcing Grant or Gil or who the heck ever this asstard is. Got it? Yeah. I know. Anyway, so the show opens with Molly being harrangued by her nearly ex (George. George is his name.) . He tells her that architect guy who not only hit on her at the hotdog stand but who is also inteviewing her that morning is gay and deaf in one ear due to a figure skating incident.  Nice one, Brenda.  Molly said that when she gets this job she’s using the first pay check to pay for the divorce.  George does this stupid victory dance then calls his gay assistant Donovan and tells him not to take Ann’s (Molly’s) calls. Because he’s a douche.

Next scene is Ben the sausage prince being bugged by his dad the sausage king. This is the only thing that confuses me, because in season one the sausage king was all about his 15 year old son marrying the soiled and impure Amy. I wonder what happened, but not enough to rewatch season one.  Anyway, King tells Ben that his money isn’t Ben’s money and that if he wants to support Amy and the baby then he (Ben) needs to get a job and whoo hoo, he just has the one for him.  Also, Ben’s trust fun? No longer tappable at age 21. King’s moving it to 30.  “Don’t mess with the king,” King calls after his confused son.  King’s cell rings and it’s George calling to ask how it went. King (whose name is Leo I find out) says that one’s down and there’s one more to go.  George is all, “this needs to work because we’re talking about my grandson,” and Leo is all, “Someonewill step up to take care of this baby.”  Something tells me Ricky might be getting a job with Leo, too. I don’t know why George and Leo are in cahootz, but whatever. I still hate George.

We’re off to the theme song… birds do it, bees do it… sumpin, sumpin,  let’s get to it… let’s fall in love…. Is this Molly singing? She sings you know. Her dad’s also a blind jazz musician. She also sang on the Micky Mouse Christmas album my mother got me in the early 80’s.

Next scene Horrible George is in the kitchen being horrible  and Robo Ashely comes in looking way older and lusher than any “13” year old I’ve ever seen.  George announces to RoboAshley that her mother has a new boyfriend who will hire her. He calls him “the architect of our demise” since he’s an architect.  Um, George? YOU’RE the architect of your failed marriage. Also, I hate you. RoboAshley’s all, “bummer” and then he offers her a chocolate waffle. She offers to kill the architect for George. George smiles proudly down at her and calls her pumpkin. Gross. Amy comes in and starts bossing everyone around and telling Ashley that her breakfast is unhealthy. RoboAshley says, “Well, until and unless I’m living in your stomach, leave my health to me.” Rosie says, “That’d be uterus.”  Gross George greets Amy and the baby. Amy leaves, and George instructs RoboAshley to not stop talking about the baby until she’s out of the car.

Next Scene. We’re finally at school and Prince Ben saunters over to Ricky and tells him that they’re both broke and need jobs and that they can work for his dad so that they both can take care of the baby.  Ben… you’re admirable, but so very, very, very stupid. Ben wants Ricky to say no, “You don’t have to say yes. He’s not really a king.” His dad informs him that he’s not a prince. Ricky is delighted and accepts the job. Then, after King Leo leaves, Ricky tells Ben that he’s going to have Amy, the baby, Ben’s dad, and everyone else on his side before Ben can say porkchop.  Ben looks miserable.

Next scene is Amy in the hallway. Ricky tells her he got a job. She’s confused. She’s still looking for a couple to adopt the baby, and besides, he didn’t want to work. But now that he has a job Ricky tells her everything’s better. He’s going to be able to help her. She doesn’t have to give up the baby. Amy tells him that it’s not a matter of what she wants, it’s a matter of what’s best for the baby (who’s a boy). Ricky leaves, Ben approaches and explains the situation. Amy is surprised that Ben isn’t going to be Ricky’s boss, but Ben explains that he was just shown that his dad isn’t Santa and when you treat a privilege like a right you lose your privilege. Blah, blah, blah.  I hate this show. And George.  But he assures Amy that she has not one, but two sources of support now so she can quit her job at the hotdog stand. She looks happy about that. I kind of hate Amy, too. She’s that seemingly sweet girl who manipulates others. Ben’s asian best friends come up and demand to know why they didn’t get jobs, too. We learn again that Ben doesn’t want the baby to be adopted either. Like he has a say, and why is it okay for him to get her to do what he wants when he keeps saying that it’s her choice.

Next scene. Y’all? Molly Ringwald is about as far from The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink as she can get with the material given to her in this show.  It’s interview time. Awkwardness ensues as Molly assumes that this guy is totally gay and deaf and starts talking about how much she luuuuuuuvs gays. And deaf people. It’s how you think it would be. “Gays are here. They’re queer. And I’m cool with it!”  The interview doesn’t go well.

Speaking of gays, apparently George forgot to pick up Amy, so she’s on the phone with Donovan George’s gay assistant at the furniture store and girl is giving him some attitude. Ooohh… Donovan and his partner backed out of adopting Amy’s baby. It’s made her pissy and she doesn’t care that they did it to foster parent a family of children that would have otherwise have been split up. See? See what I mean about Amy? Amy wants to know where her father is, blah blah blah, waves off Donovan’s concern over her well-being and hangs up on him.

Next dumb scene is with Amy’s bff’s. They’re having a malt down at the malt shoppe or somethine equally as virginal.  Apparently the red head is dating the black guy. Ooooh Brenda Hampton. Soooo progressive. He also has boundary issues and blah blah blah *ring*ring* it’s Amy and she needs a ride. However, when they insist they go hang out at the mall with them and buy clothes for the baby, she coldly reminds them that she’s not keeping the baby, and oh hey, her dad just showed. Except he didn’t. Instead it was Mary the Virgin and Mary the Magdalene on the way to the Dairy Shoppe. Grace offers Adrienne’s car to drive them home.  Amy declines and walks away. Grace and Adrienne follow and talk. Grace feels bad that Amy has to give up the baby. Adrienne doesn’t. She and Grace both have the hawts for Ricky. Do they really want Amy to keep his baby? How very daytime drama, Adrienne. Grace says that they have to help her.  Really? Do they?

It seems that when they closed down the mall in Cleveland Mimi came to Stupidville to work for the King of Sausage. She’s ill-tempered and no-nonsense and the boss of Ricky and Ben.  It goes like you’d think it would. Ben and Ricky are in charge of creating custom orders of sausage or whatever. No cell phones allowed, even if you have a pregnant ex-girlfriend who’s dating the ultimate bosses daughter.

Next scene. We’re still at the Dairy Shoppe, this time with some bulky athlete and the other black guy who lives in Stupidville. Apparently someone got his truck stolen and returned and let’s call him a racist because that’s where this scene is going.  We learn that even though the white bulky athlete is dating this black guy’s sister he’s still prejudiced against black men. Allegedly. We also learn that they guy who stole his truck is the guy sitting across from him. Or something. I don’t know. I don’t care.

Horrible George dances into his office thrilled to bits with himself because he lowballed a couple who were trying to avoid foreclosure. Where is that bus? George calls RoboAshley, who reminds him that he didn’t pick up Amy. Horrible George accuses RoboAshley of not reminding him. Shut up, George. George says he forgot Amy because he was at the bank dancing on the dreams of others. “They still have banks?” RoboAshley asks.  She thought banks were now ATM machines. “You can’t get a loan from an ATM machine,” George tells her.  George calls Amy who is wandering around some high end baby boutique looking at high end baby stuff. She passive aggressives him, telling him she’ll get a ride with friends then the owner of the boutique hurries over to her.  Amy tells her she’s 21 and married and had a baby shower and because the owner is so nice she gives Amy the outfit she’s looking at.  “Just promise me you’ll bring your baby in wearing it so I can see him,” the kindly store owner says giving Amy much food for thought. See, she really wants to keep her son. Did you get that?

Back at the sausage shoppe Ricky has finished all his orders. Ben has not. Ben is detailed oriented. Ricky, not so much, but he got the job done. Ricky flaunts it, then blah blah blah realizes that he and Ben must work together to take care of Amy and the baby. He extends a peace branch or whatever. Ben doesn’t buy it.

Back at the office of “I’m Not Gay” Molly returns and embarrasses herself further. Then her boss / boyfriend to be kisses her and they decide to go out for a drink? huh. I’m not doing something right. I’m guessing Molly gets the job or has the grounds for one awesome sexual harassment suit.

Back at la maison d’horrible, Horrible George and RoboAshley are watching a video Amy made her unborn baby. A video that RoboAshley stole from Amy’s jewelry box.  RoboAshley tells Horrible George that this is Amy and Molly conspiring to get the child adopted. “Yeah, well, this is me and you conspiring to not adopt, so we can’t say anything,” Horrible George tells RoboAshley. Enter Amy looking very betrayed.  Then RoboAshley does the best. impersonation. ever. It isn’t until she’s finished with her awesome impersonation of her sister that George tells her to knock it off, and then uh-oh!! There’s Amy. Betrayed Amy. Betrayed Amy goes to her room. There will be a confrontation. Oh yes.

Except it’s between George and Ashley. Horrible George tells RoboAshley that they blew it. Now she’ll never keep the baby.  “Well she shouldn’t have snuck up on us like that,” RoboAshley exclaims exactly as her horrible father has taught her. But suddenly George is all about giving Amy a soft place to land blah blah blah so he sends RoboAshley to fix it. Ashley says that she and George should fix it together, but Horrible George says that it’s all Ashley’s fault since she stole the video and impersonated her sister.  Bus, meet George.  Molly calls George to say that she’s going to head straight to the weenie stand because she didn’t get the job.  “What?!” George demands. “Gay men love you.”  It’s true. Gay men love Molly Ringwald. They banter some, then Ashley comes running in to say that blah blah blah, and Horrible George tells Molly blah blah blah and leads her to believe he’s got something terrible like cancer. Yeah, cancer of the SOUL, George. Only he doesn’t say cancer, but you know, it’s in his tone. They hang up.

In Amy’s room George tries to tell Amy that she shouldn’t be upset that her sister mocked her. It’s what he and RoboAshley do. They mock. Amy tells him that it does affect her, then she asks if RoboAshley really feels she doesn’t care about her baby.  RoboAshley tells her that she cares too much, and not enough. Oh, RoboAshley, you’re deep. “You care enough to take care of the baby before he’s born, but not enough to take care of him after?” Oh, please.  Brenda Hampton, what kind of bullshit is this? Why are you telling teenage girls that putting a child that they’re not prepared to raise up for adoption is a bad thing?  You make me scowl, Brenda.  Amy says she’s not ready to be a mother at 15. She can’t do it. RoboAshley asks what if everyone they knew all chipped in? Would she do it then?

Amy shows a rare moment of selflessness and tearfully tells her sister that she has to do what’s best for the baby, that’s this isn’t some freaky group project.  Thank you, Amy. Listen, I’m not against teen mothers keeping their babies. As a child of a teen mother I know a few things about this topic. What I’m against is this show sending out the message that there’s something wrong with putting a child up for adoption.  Do some research, Brenda.

RoboAshley is wise beyond her years and tells Amy that she can do this. It’s possible that this baby is a good thing for all of us it’s possible that it’s a good thing it’s happening, Amy so mom and dad are getting divorced and mimsy has alzheimers this could be the best thing that’s happened to us. She says it just like that.  Horrible, manipulative George says humbly that he wasn’t going to say anything, but if Amy wants to keep the baby he’s all for it.

Next scene Molly and I’mNotGay are drinking wine and discussing money. Then they kiss again. Blah blah blah, I like her boyfriend. He’s the one character I don’t want to eat.  He tells her to take some time for herself, turn her cell phone off, and let her girls fight it out. He also promises to never talk to her the way Horrible George talks to her.

Back at casa des poor choices, Horrible George knocks on Amy’s door and says that “that stupid cheerleader. Daughter of wife number one” is here to see Amy. (Did I mention that George was once married to Grace “Virgin Mary” ‘s mom?) Also, “stupid cheerleader?” Really? What a tool.

Amy waddles out to the meet Grace and hulking I’m not racist because I’m dating a black girl, then Adrienne knocks on the door. She only stopped in because she saw Grace and Grace’s ex (also the guy she totally blew in season one) there and got curious. Next into the room Ben and Ricky. Crazy. Ricky and Adrienne taunt each other a little. They’re all there to help Amy decide to keep the baby.  Grace’s ex’s father (the priest at the local church) is offering amy a position teaching music at day care at the church  blah blah blah health insurance, a place to keep the baby while Amy finishes schooling, money blah blah blah. Because this is totally how it works out for teen mothers. I see it happening all the time.  Then the entire teen cast minus the downs actor shows up and they’re all excited that she’s keeping the baby. ’cause that’s how it works.

Final scene: Amy and Molly have a heart to heart. Amy’s going to keep the baby and Molly’s cool with it.  She just has to remember to water it and feed it and change its litter box every day. Amy knows that she can be a good mom because she has the best mom in the world. Huh. Outside in the hall, Horrible George and RoboAshley are congratulating themselves for convincing Amy to keep the baby. Bah.

They’re all horrible.


About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

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