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Rock of Love Charm School – Episode Four

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Last week (yesterday at the Charm School) Rodeo went home. The next morning Lacey and Heather are having some sort of conversation about doughnuts and sluttiness.  Lacey says she doesn’t call girls slutty because that would be like the pot calling the kettle black. Jessica meanders in and finds a note from Sharon while Lacey interviews that last night Sharon came down on her and Megan pretty hard. Lacey says that Sharon can make or break someone’s career. She can also feast on your flesh if you piss her off. Please, Lacey, piss her off. Lacey tells us that $100,000 is at stake and that it’s time to get serious.

The Sharongram tells them that in an hour they’re going to give them a firsthand look inside the world of the rock and roll biz. Destiney is looking forward to the day’s lesson. 

As the girls enter the classroom Sharon voiceovers that the commandment of the day is Thou Shalt Be Takin’ Care of Business. And she means business. Her goal is to teach these “ladies” the fundamentals of to earn credibility in the business of rock and roll without opening their legs. God, I love her!  In class Sharon tells them that the music industry is more than about partying and having fun. It’s a serious, serious business and to show them that she’s invited Miles Fucking Copeland to be their professor emeritus. Miles has managed every successful band ever. I hope they listen to him.  As Miles gives his spiel Dallas interviews that everyone wants to bang a rock star, but that Sharon didn’t just bang him. She married him and managed him too, and that’s the smart thing to do. Word to your mutha!

Miles tells everyone that the secret to being a manager is to trust your gut. He passionately tells them that image is important. Lesson two is that they need to be leaders and lesson three is that they need to take it to the market. Um, excuse me Mr. Copeland, but I believe that the reason most of these girls are in Charm School is because they’ve been to market a little too much. That’s it. No go do it. Brandi C. interviews that Miles has managed to make the world of business very simple and that’s a good thing, because she needs simple. Oh boy, do you ever.

Sharon tells them that their challenge is going to be to manage a band and bring them to a performance in 24 hours. She’s taken the liberty of dividing the girls into two teams. Team one is Brandi C., Inna, Heather, Megan, and Jessica.  This has awesome potential. Megan is not pleased. Team two is Dallas, Lacey, Brandi M. Kristy Jo, and Destiney. Each team needs a band manager, a musical director, a stylist, and two creative directors. The band manager will be the only safe one if her team wins. If her team loses, she’s automatically called down to the carpet. Heather interviews that it sounds crazy, but it’s also exciting and she’s looking forward to it. Personally, I think Heather would be a great manager as long as she didn’t sleep with the band, and I’m not trying to be mean. I think she’d be awesome as long as she kept her life compartmentalized.

Team two make Destiney band manager because she was such a great emcee at their last challenge. I’d be happy for her, but I think Lacey will intentionally try to undermine her. I’m not sure Destiney is removed enough to be a manager. I think she could do it, but not in 24 hours.

Team one makes Brandi C. the manager and right away I see an opportunity for the rest of the girls to get her expelled, but since 3/5 of team one actually have a conscience I don’t think they’ll do it. *sigh* Brandi C. Makes Dallas the stylist, Jessica the musical director, and Megan and Inna the creative directors.  They’re all psyched, then Brandi C. interviews that she had to be manager because she’s the only competent one in the group. According to her Inna’s only going to smoke, Jessica’s an idiot, and Heather’s a lost cause. I add that Megan’s a waste of conceptus, but Brandi doesn’t say anything.

It’s time to audition for their bands and in walks some tattooed circus reject looking guy. Even Sharon looks concerned. It’s Jester from Detroit, and he can sort of sing in this throaty garbled way, and I might like him if he didn’t look like the Court Jester from every bad renaissance faire you’ve ever been to. Destiney likes him.  Next is Orrin who Megan calls a Kenny G.. He plays the drums.  She doesn’t like him, but Lacey does.  Next is a chubby drummer. “Where are the hot people,” Megan interwhines.

Cue sexy guy in jeans, black t-shirt, sunglasses, and holding a guitar. The girls sit up. His name is Cole and he plays the hell out of his guitar and Jessica interviews that they have to have him. Inna asks him to take his shirt off but he declines since he doesn’t know them that well. Brandi C. interviews some sort of bullshit and shut up, Brandi C. Another cute guy who kicks guitar ass. He will take off his shirt.  Black guy, ex-stripper, takes his shirt off. Lacey gives one interview that I agree with: Hot body does not equal talent. Dumbasses.

Black woman screeching. More guitar guys. Asian stringy haired guy. Woman putting her own spin on America, The Beautiful. Jessica likes her voice and will fight for her. And suddenly, in walks Daisy de la Hoya’s old roommate/boyfriend/father of her aborted child Charles. Heather tells us that he’s not her biggest fan. Megan hates him.   The audition is over and they get to pick the bands they’d have if no one else was there to choose.  Lacey pulls her usual “I’m the only one who knows what’s going on so we’re going to do it my way” bullshit. 

Miles flips a coin and heads wins so Team Two goes first. Their first choice is ugly Kenny G. Team One chooses Maura and her amazing pipes. Team Two chooses Jester. Brandi C. wonders if Team Two’s creating a science project with their choices, and if it weren’t scripted, it’d be funny. Team One picks cute Cole. Team Two chooses Charles. Team One chooses ex-stripper Marcus. Team One chooses Chris another cute guy, and finally Team Two chooses Tim, a normal looking cutie. So, to recap, Team One: Maura, Cole, Marcus, and Tim. Team Two: Oren, Jester, Charles, and Chris. Sharon wishes the loser the best of luck with their careers then tells the teams they have from now until midnight to rehearse.

The stylists are going shopping (Heather’s the stylist for her team). Destiney is worried about the time. Lacey is a douchebag and tells everyone how experienced she is. Then she tells them she wants them to sing Mexican Radio. It’s actually a good choice and I can see it being made heavy metal. Destiney is somehow shocked that Lacey took over. Have you even met her?! So Destiney tells the band that Lacey’s a control freak, but that she’s the manager. The band looks uncomfortable as they should.

Jessica interviews that even though she has no experience in the musical industry she feels really empowered to step up and do something she’s never done before.  She and the band decide to go with Maura’s suggestion of America, the Beautiful. Heather says she’ll put them in camouflage and I die. (See here and here and here and here) Brandi C. is stoked that her group is doing so well and making her life easy.

We’re back to Lacey rehearsing with the band. She keeps interrupting them and Oren the drummer is getting annoyed. Destiney is ineffective because she doesn’t know how to deal with Lacey’s strong personality.

Meanwhile, back with Brandi C.’s band Chosen we see Inna working on their brand. Megan interviews that it sucks, but since it’s Inna’s idea it’ll be Inna on the carpet. Meanwhile she acknowledges that she’s not doing anything but trying to look busy by drinking. Maybe she’ll drown.

The stylists return, and Brandi C. interviews that she’s so happy with her band and they’re awesome and they’re going to win and it’s all because of her. Can she please join Megan in the drowning? Anyway, stylist Heather shows them their outfits and… um… well, I’ve seen them on My Big Redneck Wedding.  Jeans and patriotic t-shirt wife beater (heheh… is that an oxymoron?), sleeveless camouflage shirt and jeans, and Maura’s air force green uni-shorts thing that Rodeo wore to the county fair yesterday. She plans to wear it with a red pushup bra and black boots. It gives her camel toe y’all.  Heather is thrilled by her choices.

Chosen is being difficult with Dallas’s choices and I kind of don’t blame them since one of her outfits makes the drummer Oren look like he’s from Cheap Trick. Lacey announces the checkered hat  terrible (it is) and throws it to the floor where she abuses it. Destiney, in an effort to avoid a brawl between Lacey and Dallas tell her that it’s inappropriate and Kristy Jo in an effort to get screen time tells them that there are too many people in the room.  Destiney is in tears and Lacey interviews (correctly) that this is what happens when you put a follower in the position of a leader. It’s true. I hate that she’s right, but she is. Kristy Jo tells Destiney not to freak and tries to talk her down, but Destiney realizes that she’s not cut out for this.  In a rare moment of clarity Kristy Jo interviews that she’s had it with Lacey and that if things go wrong they’re definitely putting Lacey on the chopping block. Yeah, and my kid thinks she’s getting a hamster for her birthday. Good luck with that.

It’s tomorrow and Brandi C. interviews that she’s got a lot on her plate what with making sure everyone’s ready. I feel your pain. I live it every morning Monday thru Friday. Brandi C. stresses out when Maura doesn’t answer the phone and we find out that last night Maura mentioned something about her brother being in the hospital. Brandi tells us that if Maura doesn’t show Heather is putting on the camel-toe jumpsuit and performing.  In the courtyard Destiney is trying to write the intro to her band.  She’s not feeling very confident about it.

Elsewhere we all celebrate when Maura shows up!! Yay!! No Heather-toe!! It turns out that “elsewhere” is backstage at SIR studios.  It also turns out that the bathroom is in the other team’s greenroom and while Maura is waiting to pee Brandi M. brings up Maura’s sick brother which totally makes Maura cry.  I don’t know if it was a calculated move on Brandi M’s part, but I smell impending drama. Back in her own dressing room the girls (Megan and Brandi C.) make a big “they’re totally fucking with you” deal out of it.  Totally upsetting Maura more than Brandi M. did.  See? Drama. Megan and Brandi C. get their team riled up so of course Heather and Inna go to confront the other team.  As an aside, Inna took Sharon’s words to heart and she definitely took some time with her appearance. Brandi M. starts crying and storms into Chosen’s room and apologizes to Maura, then is verbally attacked by Megan and Brandi C.  and basically chased out of the dressing room.

An amused Sharon welcomes the “ladies” to the gigs. All the girls are smiling and professional except Brandi M. is having a breakdown. Sharon loses her shit over the cat fight and promises that they will deal with it later at the house. Angry Sharon =’s scary as hell!

Addiction is up first. Destiney’s intro is great, but the song is… not as professional as it should bit. It’s good, but not wonderful.  And I really wanted it to be wonderful for this team.  The judges like the song however, and they like how the band meshed given the time constraints.

Now it’s Chosen’s turn and Maura’s got the pipes and the camel-toe. Kristy Jo has a hilarious interview about not being able to hear anything but camel-toe. Looks like Heather is going to be called on the carpet for being a suck stylist for Maura. The judges agree. Also, they didn’t like the song choice. Setting something to heavy metal doesn’t make it innovative.

Miles would sign Maura, but he’s gotta go with Addiction (Jester, Orrin,  Charles, and Marcus?). Kristy Jo thanks Heather for winning it for them (camel-toecamel-toecamel-toe) and it’s the funniest I’ve ever seen from her.  Sharon would agree with Miles.

The girls of the losing team minus Heather convene to figure out how to throw Heather under the bus. Brandi M. listens in and Megan basically gets in her face and then totally KICKS Megan in the leg. Megan is thrilled and instantly writes a note to Head Mistress Sharon.  Heh.  I love it, but this might not turn out well for her.

It’s elimination time and the girls file in to stand in front of Sharon and the Deans.  Sharon congratulates Destiney on a job well done and then tells Brandi C. that as the manager of the losing band she would be on the chopping block except she got Brandi M.’s note. Therefore would Brandi M. and Megan come to the carpet?  Immediately Megan starts with the lies saying that she was simply defending herself when Brandi M. pushed her against the wall. Are you kidding me? She has to realize she’s filmed all the time, right? Heather instantly calls bullshit, which is noble, but remember the camel-toe debacle Heather. Remember the camel-toe. Sharon asks if there were any witnesses and Lacey and Brandi C. totally back up Megan’s lies. I think the three of them should be expelled for their general fish smell and collective lack of conscience.  Brandi M. tells her side of the story and says the old Brandi M. would have kicked Megan’s ass, but the new and improved one walked away.

Meanwhile, Brandi C. is a total wreck and tells everyone that if Megan leaves that she’s leaving too. There’s just no way she can tolerate the rest of these bitches without her BFF there. Lacey tries to pull her back to the podium, basically begging her to once in her life not to be stupid. It doesn’t work.  Brandi’s makeup is totally ruined and hysterically smeared. I love it! Sharon snaps at her not to be such a drama queen and to get her ass back with the other girls. Then she practically begs Brandi C. to not be stupid and to at least sleep on it. Brandi C. is a mess. One big, pathetic mess. Kristy Jo and I are delighted. I’m really digging Kristy this show.

Sharon once again addresses Megan and Rikki interrupts saying that he remembers Megan having no greater aspiration than to be a trophy wife. What happens when she’s no longer pretty? Actually, Megan has been thinking about that and thinks it’ll be fun to be a dentist.  Rikki and I both think it’s because she likes inflicting pain.  Sharon has a strict no violence policy and therefore Megan is expelled. Thank you Brandi M. if you baited her it was brilliant and I love you.  Sharon admits that since Megan has no soul that she can’t be taught.

One of two psychopaths: gone!

Next week: royalty. Kind of.

Courtney

Raven

Angelique

Rodeo

Megan

Kristy Jo

Brandi M.

Heather

Dallas

Destiney

Inna

Lacey

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About Sassy

Absolutely average in every way.

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